Hi there,

Your experience with your 19-yr-old is similar to what happened with my older son. Once they meet someone, they're out the door without much notice. What I wrote to SnifSnif helped me through it. Just making that list of things that I love to do (it can't have anything to do with your kids - haha). Just as mommer said in SnifSnif's post, feed your inner child. You've done a good job raising him and you should reward yourself even though it might feel strange at first.

You are not alone in your feelings by the way. :)

God bless you.

its after 2:30am , I woke up to my sons room empty again....I couldnt help but cry. I shouldnt feel this way, but I almost feel abandoned by him of sorts. We have been such a close family all these years. I know he is not doing this purposely, but just enjoying his freedom. Why do I have to have these feelings? Why cant I just get a grip, Im mad at myself for feeling this way....emotional rollercoaster right now! I know I should be grateful to at least see him for the 2minutes he blows thru the house to get clean clothes and off again. But im not, I feel resentful towards his girlfriends parents for letting him stay there so much. Could be worse, he could have his own apartment already or have moved far away. But right now this feels bad enough. Im angry at my husband for telling our son when he was 17 soon to be 18 " When you turn 18, you dont have to answer to anybody anymore" (WHAT WAS HE THINKING?) My husband has always been a rebel.....without a cause! Idk, all I know is that I miss/love my son terribly. Thanks for listening.

Is this your first child to leave? I know it's miserable but it will get easier. When my first child left abruptly at 19 I had reenrolled in college and retook a class that I failed in my 20s because I missed too many classes. It felt good to fix that wrong that had bothered me for years. Not sure if you have something like that in the back of your mind that you've wanted to do but haven't had the time. Just an idea.

yes, this is my 1st child to leave. I guess thats why is so hard. Last night was very difficult, after I wrote out my feelings I could finally get some sleep. Today he came home, but went up to his room and played video games for awhile...I went up to see him and said I looked forward to spending time with him today for dinner, because I know he will be leaving again shortly. Things feel a little wierd..almost like were strangers...why??? Thanks for listening

I understand how you feel. The first one leaving is like getting punched in the stomach, right?

One thing I can say is a lot happens after 19. My son ended up moving back home a couple of years later and most recently moved out again. We've both kind of grown up, yah know? Last year, I actually got to go to American Idol tryouts with him because his girlfriend couldn't go. You'll still have plenty of good times with your son... he still needs you but in different ways.

Happy New Year to you!

Mirenda,
I also have a 19 yr old son who is away at college. We are very close and he texts an calls me almost daily. He has a girlfriend at school and we occasionally take them both to dinner when we visit. I like her very much and am actually happy that he has her, because it keeps him from drinking and carousing with the other boys. He came home for 10 days at Xmas and asked me if she could come to stay for xmas weekend. I allow them to share a room even though I had always thought I wouldn't. I am not religious and I could not really find a good reason to say they cant. We had a lovely xmas dinner together and I made them breakfast a few times, but other then that, they kind of kept to themselves. The nice part was, they were content to stay home together watching movies with my son's 2 best male friends. Everyone has to do what they are comfortable with and act according to to their beliefs. Personally, I know that I will alienate my son if I impose these restrictions and I want him in my life as long as possible. I want to have the house where they spend time. I do have terrible nostalgia for the days when his total focus was on the family. You know the old adage"your son is your son till he takes a wife"- it starts with the girlfriend. My compromise is to let them sleep together. I want my house to be the place where my son spends his free time. Fortunately, she lives on the West Coast and their school is on the East coast, so I have that advantage as well.

@ hockeymom, thank you for your words of encouragement. Unfortunately I cannot let them sleep together because I am still raising his 14yr old brother and setting a example for him. If I didnt have any other children at home i might have given in. Thank you for sharing your story with me. I have alot to learn from my new friends on here.

@pattymum, yes, it does feel like a punch in stomach...just not intentional... thank you so much, I am realizing that old saying " If you love something set it free..etc " Sometimes, its just hard to put in motion...but I have to do this....in order to continue a good, healthy relationship...I must

@mirenda77 I understand about the younger boy. I don't think I would allow it either in that situation. At least you still have a 14yr old at home. Perhaps you could compromise by inviting her to dinner more frequently? Even if he leaves afterwards to sleep at her house, he will at least be spending time with his family. On the bright side-they are very young so it might not last!

Yes, I really like her...and have invited her over for many things...she is a very, very picky eater and doesnt care for homemade food..she likes to eat out fast foods mostly like any teen. So i bought those mozzarella sticks she likes, but she said they weren't the right kind...ugggh But , I bought my son a huge ping pong table for christmas to try and promote more fun times here. He loves it, but it doesnt keep him here..lol

I guess you could always invite her for pizza....

Mirenda,
I understand exactly how you feel. My son, who is my only child, moved out several months ago. He is 21. We have been so very close, had a really tight bond with him. He is now engaged to be married and has very little time for me anymore. I know that's how is supposed to be, he's growing up and moving on but it hurts so bad. I feel like I've lost my best friend. I do text him and occasionally have lunch with him. His fiance doesn't really care to come over to my house and my son is always at her house. She still lives at home. It kinda feels like he's been stolen away from me. He was my joy and my focus for 21 years. It's been 8 months since he's moved out and it is getting easier for me. I still cry but not quite as much as I used to. He's a very sweet young man. I don't think he's ready to get married in April. He is definitely not ready financially but he's going to do it anyway. I worry about that. Anyway, stay strong. I'm sure he know it's hard on you and that you miss him but he is wanting to spread his wings and become a man. I think it will get easier as time goes by. I wish I had other children, maybe that doesn't make the pain any less. I feel like my motherhood just went by way too fast. Hugs to you.

@ mpw416,
Oh, I can't imagine how hard it must be for you as your only child. That must magnify 100x's. I hope after the new-ness wears off, our boys remember where they came from. Sad fact is , in most cases the women call the shots unfortunately. So we are kind of at their mercy. If we fight it, it will only push them away. I know it feels horrible, being that we are the ones who nurtured and raised them only to have some chick-a-dee start calling the shots for them. ugggh.. Just remind your son that you will always be there for him no matter what. And try to find ways to incorporate them coming to see you or you going there. We will get through this, it will be damn hard...but all of us on here will do it together. Im here if you need to talk. I have one other son who is 14yrs, so I need to learn this now, because before I know it , I will be going through this again

Hi mirenda77,

Your story is similar to mine. My son lives with his girlfriend and her mother and I cannot believe she tollerates this. To my knowledge, although he does have a full time job, he isn't paying rent etc. I told him this was wrong, but he won't listen to me. He happens in from time to time, sometimes leaving her in the car. She has a baby but not by him that my son wants to raise as his own child. He will not tell me where they live.

@sallyjane42,
Why wouldn't he tell you where they live? That must be painful, Im sorry to hear that.

I don't know the answer to that. I think he feels his parent's disapproval and doesn't want either of us driving over there or checking up on him in any way.
Thanks so much for your concern. It's getting easier but it is still quite hard as you probably already know having him gone.