Empty Nests Support Group
Empty nest syndrome is a general feeling of depression and loneliness that parents/other guardian relatives feel when one or more of their children leave home. Empty nest syndrome has become more prevalent in modern times, as the extended family is becoming less common than in past generations, and the elderly are left living by themselves.
Fellow members:
This past week I was talking with a co-worker about my unhappiness with my relationship with my son. I guess it is pretty good (better than some but not what I totally want) and perhaps my son does feel that things are ok. Currently he is working in my office so we do see each other every day. Sometimes we don't have much interaction because he is busy and I am busy. But we do see each other and my sister says that he probalby thinks I am ok because of that. And he does now go out to dinner with us one night every week and we always see him on Sunday at church, lunch on Sunday and sometimes time spent at our house on Sunday afternoon. Anyway, my co-worker has never had kids but was sympathetic and listened. Then the next day I went in and said "you know, sometimes I think I am like a dog with separation anxiety". Since then I have found that there is an actual diagnosis of adult separation anxiety. Some of the symptoms seem to fit me pretty well. And it can be brought on by loss of a loved one. For me perhaps I think my onset of this is tied back 38 years to my father's death by suicide the day after I got married. Sudden separation, no warning that it would happen, just that he was here one day and gone the next. My son's exit from our home was almost that -- I found out via a credit check on him one evening and 3 weeks later he moved out. So, I fear he will walk out of my life forever like my father did. I don't think my son means to hurt me. He is excited to be on his own, living his life the way he wants it. Were we really any different (I like to think I was but perhaps I wasn't as different as I feel I was)? Can we begrudge them starting their own lives? I am trying to wrestle with this thought of just being anxious because of our new found separation. I hope that with time and once he has settled into his own life that things will get better. That when he gets married and has a home and family of his own that we will be included in school events, sporting events, church events, etc. That what now seems like a loss of our family will change. I guess I shouldn't get my hopes up but that is what I pray and hope the Lord will provide for me.
I also watched the beginning of War Room again. Even though it focuses on a couple, I find ties to my relationshp with my son. At one point the wife writes down 3 pages of things her husband does wrong. The older lady asks her if her husband deserves grace to which she answers yes. She also asks if God loves her husband and the wife says yes. From that I took these lessons: my son needs to be loved by me, my son needs my respect (something covered but I forgot to mention) and my son deserves grace from me. So, I am also praying that God gives me the strength to give these things to my son.
Jeremiah 29:11 -- "For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not h arm you, plans to give you a hope and a future".
Ephesians 3:20 - "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us."
As I go forward I am going to try and pass my anxiousness on to God and pray for a relationship that makes both me and my son happy. I hope some of you will do some searching on adult separation anxiety and see what you thnk. It has made me see that perhaps this is more my problem than my son's issue. Since coming to these revelations I have had more peace in my heart. I am not saying that I will not continue to miss my son and his presence in my house. I don't think I will ever get over that but hopefully I can find a peace within me and an acceptance of this change. It's only been 5-1/2 days so I could easily slip back into old habits of being discouraged with him but I hope not. God is our answer, we just have to find out what he is saying to us.
God, prayer and learning who we are as people, accepting and working for a relationship are our answers. Hugs to all.
This past week I was talking with a co-worker about my unhappiness with my relationship with my son. I guess it is pretty good (better than some but not what I totally want) and perhaps my son does feel that things are ok. Currently he is working in my office so we do see each other every day. Sometimes we don't have much interaction because he is busy and I am busy. But we do see each other and my sister says that he probalby thinks I am ok because of that. And he does now go out to dinner with us one night every week and we always see him on Sunday at church, lunch on Sunday and sometimes time spent at our house on Sunday afternoon. Anyway, my co-worker has never had kids but was sympathetic and listened. Then the next day I went in and said "you know, sometimes I think I am like a dog with separation anxiety". Since then I have found that there is an actual diagnosis of adult separation anxiety. Some of the symptoms seem to fit me pretty well. And it can be brought on by loss of a loved one. For me perhaps I think my onset of this is tied back 38 years to my father's death by suicide the day after I got married. Sudden separation, no warning that it would happen, just that he was here one day and gone the next. My son's exit from our home was almost that -- I found out via a credit check on him one evening and 3 weeks later he moved out. So, I fear he will walk out of my life forever like my father did. I don't think my son means to hurt me. He is excited to be on his own, living his life the way he wants it. Were we really any different (I like to think I was but perhaps I wasn't as different as I feel I was)? Can we begrudge them starting their own lives? I am trying to wrestle with this thought of just being anxious because of our new found separation. I hope that with time and once he has settled into his own life that things will get better. That when he gets married and has a home and family of his own that we will be included in school events, sporting events, church events, etc. That what now seems like a loss of our family will change. I guess I shouldn't get my hopes up but that is what I pray and hope the Lord will provide for me.
I also watched the beginning of War Room again. Even though it focuses on a couple, I find ties to my relationshp with my son. At one point the wife writes down 3 pages of things her husband does wrong. The older lady asks her if her husband deserves grace to which she answers yes. She also asks if God loves her husband and the wife says yes. From that I took these lessons: my son needs to be loved by me, my son needs my respect (something covered but I forgot to mention) and my son deserves grace from me. So, I am also praying that God gives me the strength to give these things to my son.
Jeremiah 29:11 -- "For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not h arm you, plans to give you a hope and a future".
Ephesians 3:20 - "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us."
As I go forward I am going to try and pass my anxiousness on to God and pray for a relationship that makes both me and my son happy. I hope some of you will do some searching on adult separation anxiety and see what you thnk. It has made me see that perhaps this is more my problem than my son's issue. Since coming to these revelations I have had more peace in my heart. I am not saying that I will not continue to miss my son and his presence in my house. I don't think I will ever get over that but hopefully I can find a peace within me and an acceptance of this change. It's only been 5-1/2 days so I could easily slip back into old habits of being discouraged with him but I hope not. God is our answer, we just have to find out what he is saying to us.
God, prayer and learning who we are as people, accepting and working for a relationship are our answers. Hugs to all.
When I married a stranger in my 20's, desperate for some stability, I no doubt had separation anxiety with him, as I made him quit his job to stay home with me! I also never coped with my son being at school - I was so anxious about what might happen to him, I was always critical of the teachers, and ended up home educating him for 7 years. Although I've always encouraged him to be outgoing and sociable, I have overcompensated by being interfering and controlling with it. I think separation anxiety makes you want to control, and if you can't control, you end up almost in a panic, like a child having a meltdown. My only alternative behaviour to that is 'shutdown' - I just close myself off emotionally and put up a wall of 'rules' to be OCD about, because following rules is reassuring.
So as soon as we found out about TCK and all the relational and emotional problems caused by associated 'unresolved grief', my attitude made sense to both my son and myself, and explained why I am so insufferably 'me'. We both had to accept the fact that I am a very damaged person, and not easy to relate to as a result. It's not my fault, and it's certainly not my son's fault - we are BOTH victims of circumstances beyond our control. We had to stop blaming each other, and try to heal our wounds, starting by acknowledging their existence decades after the events which caused them.
I asked him if he could please forgive and forget the past, and make a fresh start, based on what we now know, and luckily he agreed, which I'll always be grateful for - getting a second chance at our relationship. Although obviously I slip back into my old ways sometimes through habit, I've asked him to pull me up about it and be honest with me when I do. Accepting that I'm weak and fallible instead of trying to convince the world and myself that I'm strong and perfect, has changed the way I relate to everyone else too - hopefully for the better!