Empty Nests Support Group

Empty nest syndrome is a general feeling of depression and loneliness that parents/other guardian relatives feel when one or more of their children leave home. Empty nest syndrome has become more prevalent in modern times, as the extended family is becoming less common than in past generations, and the elderly are left living by themselves.

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JeanneA 07/10/2013

Hi I'm Jeanne from the UK. I have 3 children, son 27, daughter 25, and a son of 19. None of my kids live with me, my youngest Glen 19 is severely autistic. He went into a care home 2 years ago as he had become very aggressive and would hit himself and me regularly and I had to make the painful decision for his and my own safety and have him placed in a care home.

I still miss not having him at home, I miss looking after him, you would think after 2 years I would have gotten used to it but I still can't. I feel lost. My husband who is my son's step-dad does his best to understand how I feel but I know he really doesn't. He hasn't have any children of his own so it's not easy for him to know what I am going through.

I have no-one I can talk to even my other children don't really understand they just feel I should move on with my life, which I know is what I should be doing but I just seem 'stuck'.

I couldn't believe it when I found this forum, I never realise that an Empty Nest Forum ever existed before.

deleted_user 07/20/2013

Hey Jeanne,

I just found this forum and seems like a lot of people are in the same boat! I guess you are right we just have to find some things to do to fill up our lives again. How often to you get to visit your son? I know that one thing I look forward to doing when my daughter goes off to college is sending her care packages. That way I will feel like I am still "taking care" of her even if I don't see her everyday. Maybe we should start a thread in this forum... how to get "unstuck" and move on. You seem like such a nice lady, hang in there and I look forward to chatting with you again.

JeanneA 07/20/2013

Hi Lisa thanks for your reply. My son Glen has only been in his current care home just over 8 weeks, this is only a 40 minute drive, whereas previously he lived in a care home a long way away, about a 3 hour drive. I am aiming to see him about once a fortnight. I have been 3 times so far as initially they didn't want visitors until he had settled in which is understandable.

I do take snack/toiletry packages when I visit Glen. Yes it sounds a good idea regarding starting a thread on how to get 'unstuck'. It is very hard to move, I thought it would get easier as time went on but it hasn't. My son has been away altogether now for 2 years and I still can't move on.

You also seem a very nice person who like me is finding it difficult to 'let go'. I would like to keep in touch with you, it would be nice to support each other. It is hard to try and think of things to fill up our lives, I don't have any hobbies as such and don't really know what I would like to do, so not easy.

Please email me soon. Take care x

Gabrielle48 07/21/2013

Hi Jeanne, I think we have a lot in common, Lol. We are on the verge of getting my son, Nathan, diagnosed as Autistic. We talked with a professional recently who seems to totally agree. He will be tested next month. We were thinking high functioning Autistic, but he is leaning towards Aspergers although he said based on the things we were saying and his interractions with him it was unclear which it is without further testing.

We are empty nest....technically. We were empty for a few months but then my youngest son came home from college for the summer. We will be empty nesting again when he goes back until Nathan finishes culinary academy (about an hour away) and then likely he will be back. At that point the goal will be for him to achieve independence here by finding a job and a small apartment. It will be nice to have him back in town. I really don't like him being an hour away.

Empty nest has it's benefits, as long as we get to stay close and involved in our kids lives. Our daughter is 27 and lives 11 hrs away with her H and our 2 grandkids :-( We stay as close as we can through the occasional visit and multi media.

JeanneA 07/21/2013

Hi Gabrielle it does sound like we have a lot in common with our sons I hope all goes well with your son's assessment. I will send you a P.M.

deleted_user 07/27/2013

JeanneA,

Moving on is so much easier said than done, isn't it? In fact, I believe using the term "move on" is a bit of a misnomer. I do not think we move away from our children we just change positions. Over the past couple of years, I have moved from being in front of them to coming alongside - as a friend, confidant, and an encourager at times.

Why not begin to redefine your relationships with them now - where they are? For me, getting to know my children in their most recent spaces has helped me tremendously as they are transitioning into adulthood.

JeanneA 07/28/2013

Hi Alicia, it makes perfect sense what you have said, I thank you so much for that. You are right in what you said about changing positions with our children that is exactly what happens. I guess in my way I am trying to do that with my eldest 2, who are 25 & 27, but my youngest is 19 and severely autistic and lives in a care home so guess I feel a bit different regarding him. However I am trying to treat him more 'grown up' which isn't easy as he has a mental age of about a 5 year old in a adult's body. He is very happy though in the care home he is in, I couldn't wish for better for him.

Thanks again for your very valuable words.

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