Yes, you should be scared about the pain you have when you purge, you may be straining your heart when you do that. I don't know what your weight should be as I don't know how tall or short you are, but that's not the point. ED always says," it's nice to be lower than "normal", but wouldn't it be nice if it could be just a bit lower than that? "Try not to listen to that voice. At my worst, I wanted to be clear down in the 80's, I bet if I had gotten there, I would've wanted the 70's til I just disappeared. But if someone hadn't butted their nose into my life, I just might have done that and not been here to talk about it now. [Was 17, had to have gallbladder out 'cuz full of stones. Didn't quite weigh enough for surgery it was almost postponed for nutritional intervention. Surgeon went ahead and did surgery as my pancreas was being effected. A week after surgery, I lost more weight, he threatened me again with hospitalization if my labs had gotten any lower, I got pissed at him decided that there was no way in hell he was going to put me in the hospital, decided that maybe I better cooperate and start eating more. It was hard, but I did eat more and got to a healthy weight. After that, it wasn't an issue til 2002]. But I can talk more about that when it's not storming outside in my journal or something. I don't want to trigger anyone more than necessary, either.
Getting someone to talk to about ED is important. I would say that right now you could try talking to a social worker. Sometimes they can be really helpful. That's what I'm talking to right now, based on first impression, I think she'll actually be able to help me, perhaps more than my licensed therapists did. So if you can't find someone who specializes in ED, I'd start there. I hope this helped, didn't trigger, if it did, I apologize in advance.

Again, I wish I hadn't posted, wish there was a delete button, no one needs to know how I'm struggling. And I really hope I didn't trigger others. I'm really sorry if I did.

Electropro thanks for sharing your experience. I have been at an extremely low weight too, and hospitalized for a long time but I was lucky I didn't cause any permanent damage. I don't want my organs to be affected.

I think I need help. I engaged in my ED again tonight. I am sick of living this way. And I know I am the only one who can help myself.

I feel really alone with this, hiding it from my family, because they just tell me to eat. Then I do, for them, I try to act normal, eat normal around them and I can't tolerate it.

I feel like I need more structure, to regulate food, and hold me accountable but the ED says hell no.

I'll just keep at it. One day at a time, right?

Actually I think its a good thing you post here and share your struggles. The only problem is that while a lot of us can relate to your feelings no-one has a magic wand to wave to make everything all right.
My story from a long, long time ago has aspects in common with Electropros - including the fact that its a long-term process to get back to a healthy weight, especially for your psyche. But it is possible. I dont any more want to be 5 kg lighter - I know Id be underweight and I wouldt have the energy I need for rowing, climbing and other such important activities! Id also be unattractively skinny.
Purging is dangerous for your health whatever you weigh. Can your psychiatrist suggest a therapist (or other professional) with whom you can have more regular contact and support? I know roughly what its like to be where you are and it really is much better to have a non-food/eating and wieght-centred life.

I don't want you to feel you shouldn't post, this is what we are here for. you sound to be in a very bad place and I think getting professional help will help nyoun find the tools and coping skills to get ed under control. it isn't easy but your body is already giving you signs it needs food and help. if I understood correctly you are 20 pounds under weight, that is a lot, I am just now maintening a weight just at the low end of range, it is hard, and yes the thoughts are still there, but I want to live. many hugss

I know how you feel,..I got down to a very,very unhealthy weight about a year ago. Very quickly too. I still felt terrible about myself even at that weight and I would have kept going if I hadn't got pregnant with my daughter. I didn't have a problem eating when it wasn't for me. But now,..here I am after the fact and am off the deep end b/c I gained so much weight. I see the healthy weight range my doctor shows me,..but I don't care..it feels like it doesn't apply to me. It's easy to say you will stop when you get to a ceirtain point..but very easy to lose perspective along the way. I am struggling too,..and am reaching out for help b/c I see myself going down that road. You aren't alone. I think it is a symptom of the illness. :.( Hugs!!

I know I see it as a perfection thing. The lower I go the more in control of myself I am. Not sure if that helps at all :/.

I am struggling too. And I am angry when people comment on my weight and tell me to get help (while also grateful for their concern) -- my anger stems from my belief that other people are "skinny" too and they are comparing me solely to my former weight. Perhaps other people can be healthier at this weight but it also is not right for me and my body. You need to remember what is best for your body -- you probably will actually look more attractive AND feel better at a higher weight.

I say this to you, as I try to say this to myself.

Thinking of you and I'm sorry you are in so much pain with the ED. Don't give up; keep fighting that battle. We are here for you and care about you.

((( Huggie )))

Kim x

Thanks sweet friends. I ate a small meal and a snack today, nowhere near what I should be doing, but again I'm waiting for my stomach to stop hurting. I need to go to Costco to get the protein shakes to replace food for a while, so I haven't started those yet. Anyhow, a few of you said you were struggling too. Please reach out to me if you need someone to listen who understands. If you're struggling I promise not to share weight, or behaviors that would trigger. And please keep posting here, this group seems quite small, but there are amazing people here doing their best to recover, maybe we can fight this with each other. It helps me a lot to know I'm not alone, and that recovery is possible. Thanks again for caring.

Well first off I'm glad you have a therapist. That's how I started with my anorexia. But he didn't really have a clue about it. I'm hoping you have a doctor? A Doc will tell you if you should be scared. My tx called my doc and they teamed up, turned out I was on the brink of death. An EKG showed heart failure. I had options.. Continue with therapy or go to a facility for eating disorders to be tube fed. In hindsight I feel like that was irresponsible to see a girl on the brink of suicide by ED, but whatever. It scared the shit out of me. I drove myself to an eating disorder clinic the next day. I told them I was going to die. They took me in. That was in 2007. It was horrible! And expensive. But hey, I'm here, alive, and get the picture. I'm not cured. I only have a daily reprieve. The struggles in my mind are OK. It doesn't matter as much as my life does. We can get through mental problems and obsessions, but our heart won't wait for that. I mess up all the time, but I live to tell about it.

Peanuttz, I'm grateful you were willing and able to get help, and recover from life-threatening anorexia. I hope I didn't trigger you from my post. I see the potential risk, but I guess my denial prevents me from taking it seriously. I just went to the ER for a panic attack, thinking it was a heart attack, so much chest pain, but my heart looks good. My ED wants that to be an excuse to continue what I'm doing, its relentless and stubborn. It was extremely scary for a friend of mine who knows about my ED however. She was with me and I think it pushed her away from me. Too painful to watch someone self-destruct. Even though that's not what it was, it could have been. Sucks! I don't want to lose people I love. I am really struggling, but I have good days and bad. I am more afraid of dying by suicide than I am anorexia, but I don't want to die. If there is hope of living again, that is. Thanks for sharing your story. I hope you continue to find life worth living.

eshaw,
I have just gotten out of a residential disorder facility and after 8 weeks of intensive therapy and personal work i can say i want to live again Before my life was complete misery caught up in the eating disorder rules and control. I still struggle with eating what im supposed to and also the "numbers" game the eating disorder tells you to follow with weight and calories. I still have 20lbs to gain before im at my healthy weight so i still have a ways to go but here's what i can tell you. The number will NEVER be good enough. It will get lower and lower till something horrible happens to your health. The number is never good enough for ED. It wants more and more and will not give in till you damage your health severely or god forbid something terrible happens. ED's have the highest mortality rates of all mental illness so don't think it cant happen because it CAN at any second. Your health is already being affected because you have been to the ER and damage is being done whether you think/know of. Believe me I was where you were at. My "labs" and EKG were still normal but i was weeks from dying. I could've went into cardiac arrest at any moment. Dying by anorexia is NOT what you want. You don't want suicide either by any means because whether you realize it or not you are WORTH LIVING for. I didn't think i was prior to treatment but now I know everyone has a purpose or meaning in life but you will never find it in the throws of your ED. Your body will shut down 1 organ at a time and will be a slow and painful death. It was happening to me. BOTTOM LINE: Honestly is this the life you want to keep living? A slave to your ED? Shutting others out of your life? Feeling hopeless and unable to move on to what really matters in life like friends, family,enjoyment.....? You ultimately have the choice: continue the way you are and live a life i guess is pretty miserable right now by listening to Ed OR choose to get help and give up your ED even if it is 1 piece at a time. Once you do you will experience a freedom you would never have imagined possible. Believe me life with ED will prevent you from living any sort of productive life at all and from a life worth living. Give recovery a chance. You will never reject it , I can promise you that. My prayers are with you that you make the right decision, not your ED.

SammyDS, I really appreciate your sincere advice and sharing your story of recovery. I know you are right, I know the number will never be low enough. I almost died myself 3 years ago. Somehow the power of the ED has taken over my thoughts once again. I am fighting back and eating what I think I can from day to day, but after thinking about this a long time I realized I have truly given up. I am choosing the ED because it feels like the only way out of this misery. I failed at outpatient treatment, and considering inpatient/residential but I don't have the money. I know this obsession about food and control and self-destructive behavior is my way of saying I give up, the only comfort I feel is in ridding the world of me, even if its slowly through ED. I don't know what to do. I want freedom, but its the only thing that brings me comfort. And I know I am the only one who can help me. I must choose to live or choose this ED. I don't know why its so difficult to choose life, I guess cuz I feel so hopeless. I want recovery, more than anything but I have little hope that I will ever amount to anything, ever achieve my dreams, ever, just be comfortable in my own skin, ever love and be loved. Sorry if this is rambling. I have been in this ambivalence for years. Wanting to fight for my daughter, but truly not wanting to live another day. So all that matters here and now is that I feel happy, satisfied with watching the pounds drop. It really makes no sense, except maybe to others with ED's like mine. Like you said, I don't feel like I'm in danger since my labs and EKG's are normal. But I know things could change so drastically. So easily, in no time. You must know what I'm talking about because you nailed it, I don't feel worth living for, and I'm exhausted of trying to prove that I'm worthy, and failing miserably. I'm not saying I give up. I fight for my daughter. That's what it comes down to for me, but I'm not doing well. I want to heal this shame, become a better, healthier, more confident person but I don't know how. I've struggled with self-hatred and shame my entire life. Is this how you felt before treatment? Sorry so long, I'll stop. Thanks for helping me realize whats at the root of some of my symptoms.

I hope you are doing better and still fighting. As i write this "Fight Song" by Rachel Platten is playing on Pandora. How fitting huh? I must admit i'm still struggling just like you in trying to find a way to keep fighting this illness. I got out of residential not because they wanted me to but because insurance wouldn't pay for it anymore and was following up with their day treatment program but got in a car wreck and could only attend 2 weeks because of transportation issues. Now Im trying to do the best I can with outpatient but am struggling. ED has been so much a part of my identity and a coping mechanism for so long that im having a hard time dealing with life.Plus i have no support system that is helpful. I keep telling myself I will never be able to build a life worth living and enjoying till i finally let the ed behaviors go. They always told me that the behaviors change 1st then the thoughts. Boy is that the case! The ed thoughts are strong as ever and this the behaviors are returning. I've been losing weight and don't want to. Yet i keep giving into the ed voice.But in time the voice will lessen. You will find it easier to ignore it and live life. I don't believe you have given up. Your still posting on here. Your reaching out. There still is hope. We both can do this! I think we naturally want to conquer the world and don't view our achievements in our everyday life as significant. You can accomplish anything you want to do it just takes time and patience, which I think you know all too well the ED doesn't tolerate.It provides immediate gratification yet is destroying us in every aspect in our lives. So let's take this one day at a time, living in this moment right now, and keep going. In time things will get better. The voice will get quieter and have less impact on our lives. It just might not seem like it now but we have to keep choosing life one meal, one day at a time :)