Eating Disorders Support Group
Eating disorders are marked by an obsessive need to control the intake and/or purging of food. This community is dedicated to those struggling on the road to recovery. Join to discuss your experience with others and find support. Get advice, ask questions, and meet others who are going through similar struggles.
Weather I'm skinny, normal, overweight, or obese, I have never been able to see what others see. There have been times when I was losing weight and I thought I had gained weight. One time in particular, back in 2007, I was a normal weight and a bit toned up, but I lost enough weight within 1 month for people around me to notice it, so I had to have lost 10 pounds or so, but I truly thought, up until someone told me I lost a lot of weight, that I was gaining weight. I was still a normal weight, but I thought I had gotten overweight. I don't understand why I always see myself bigger than I really am? Even when I'm doing fine and am not struggling so much with ED, I still see myself bigger.....why is this? And will it ever change? Will there ever come a day when I can look in the mirror and see myself the way others see me? This is something I've been curious about for a while, but have never asked anyone.
I've also found that I can never see what others say they see. I've come to the place of accepting that this will probably be the case long term, but I can make healthy choices inspite of this.
Body dysmorphia is a big part of the ED mentality/behaviours etc. I know I definitely have this. Google it and read up on it if you want to know more. Basically in a nutshell it is an inability to see what is really there, and what others see when they look at us.
It's like your brain and your eyes or self-perception is warped and not very accurate. I've found that deep shame, self-hatred and self-destructiveness is strongly related and tied into this.
So you are not weird or alone... others have experienced this too.
It takes time to challenge these thought patterns etc and make small changes. Be kind to yourself and try to take small, manageable baby steps. Congrats on reaching a normal weight. I too have found that at a "normal weight" I feel like I'm over, but it's my warped radar! LOL...
Kim.
I actually have EDNOS, and I never truly went underweight - though I was headed that direction once or twice....and then at one point a few years ago, my life really got out of control and I started developing bulimic habits, like starve a while, then binge, and everything in me wanted to purge! Sometimes, my binging was barely a normal calorie intake, but it was way more than what I was eating at the time. I even did the laxative purge a few times, but I never threw up. And so I actually ended up gaining weight. It was so hard because even though I really was overweight, I saw myself as morbidly obese. I struggled with losing in a healthy way, and I never truly started getting help until I started losing weight, because how can a fat person have anorexia? I'm closer to my normal weight, but am still overweight....but the closer I get to "looking good" the more I want to go back to old habits. People say I'm not as big as I think, and I'm sure I'm not, but it doesn't change what I see at all...
And sorry for the lengthy vent :) I still struggle with thoughts and I want so badly to give in....if I starved and worked out, I could lose the rest of what I need to, and more, in about a month or so...but I'm trying to be healthy...but I want to be skinny again.....it's so hard....then once I get back to normal, will I still think I'm fat? Will I still want to be skinnier? I always do.....but how skinny will I have to be to be good enough? Idk.....it's a struggle :\