Eating Disorders Support Group

Eating disorders are marked by an obsessive need to control the intake and/or purging of food. This community is dedicated to those struggling on the road to recovery. Join to discuss your experience with others and find support. Get advice, ask questions, and meet others who are going through similar struggles.

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ann54 04/19/2015

I had regained the 10 pounds lost from surgery and it took me a long time. I am still on the low side of weightbut okay. when I ask my friends to be honest with me how I look they will say, well 1 did, she was honest, said I looked haggard and gaunt and not healthy. I used to have a beautiful thick head of hair, now it is thin. I am constantly thinking about my weight and not eating much at all during the day but eat to much at night. I can not just rest in the evening until a certain time, I am working on this, to worried about the calories and being lazy. I don't have a scale but when I go to my sisters I weigh myself. last night I had lost a pound and I was thrilled!!! I shouldn't be, I have had this disease for far to long and I know what I need to do and think, I just cant seem to. I don't want this to trigger me into a slip again, I cant afford it. on another post I said I was using money to not buy foods I will eat like nuts, well I bought a bag and I am already finished with it, disgusting. today I will be burning calries, planning on doing tons of yard work and it is exhausting. sorry for rambling

kpsurfersfan 04/19/2015

I'm sorry you are in such an inner battle right now, it's a horrid and tormenting place to be. It is good that you realise you are still obsessed with what your weight is, and as long as this is present, it will (in my experience) keep driving you to restrict and possibly to binge or comfort eat, etc. Then one either purges or like I used to exercises madly for hours to "get rid of it" and so the cycle continues on and on..... until you step out of it. This is not easy but necessary.

All I can say is you are NOT disgusting because you ate all those calories; for so long your poor body has been starved.... so when it sees calories, it takes advantage of them. "Disgusting" is also an old self-lie and also a feeling. There's something deeper driving this behaviour and in my experience I found I couldn't heal until I bit by bit let go of the self-hatred and inner shame, and the will to self-harm.

Try to not overdo the yard work if you can, pull back before you are exhausted; this in itself would be a great step towards recovery. Don't give up! You can do it... Kim x

uniquorn 04/19/2015

Sorry to hear you are in a bad place. I am sort of in that place too...I have gained some weight and I think if I lost a pound I would also be happy...I know I would. It's tough. I don't like how I feel but I do think I look better with a fuller face now. I don't like how I feel though. I am with you in this sort of battle and you know this will pass we just need to be strong and eat healthy and you did eat healthy by eating nuts! Healthy fat, full of protein, good stuff for your body! Don't feel bad at all!

RPro 04/19/2015

I am also experiencing all of these feelings... Kim is right, we need to "step out of it" somehow...

ann54 04/20/2015

I used to exercise for hours for a few years then I slowly stopped that and exercise more moderately. I am always more active in the spring and summer. I have many inner demons, not sure what they all are, I have worked on them for years but haven't gotten totally rid of them and boy they do feul my mind. I do have distorted thinking or I look in the mirror to see if I look the same. I still don't get when people I trust tell me how I look to them I don't want to get better. why don't I truly want to step out of it? I am letting all my personal and financial situations keep ED in my minds and behaviors, I need to get a grip. thanks all hugsss

ann54 04/20/2015

forgot, I did do the back yard which in retrospect was silly as my dog goes out there so how will grass grow in? I did it purely for exercise, not thinking that at the time. day 6 of eating breakfast!

kpsurfersfan 04/20/2015

You're doing the best you can Ann and you are doing some great inner work. Try not to be so hard on yourself if you can, just little by little.

Well done on the breakfast front!! Way to go!! :)

Kim x

eshaw 04/20/2015

Hi Ann,
I can relate, unfortunately, to restricting then eating unhealthy food and feeling guilty. My weight goes up and down like crazy. I know if I'd just eat more often I wouldn't struggle so much, but the ED tells me I'm doing well and to keep it up. But then I fight back and end up over eating and the same thing happens over and over again. The good news, I'm fighting back, as are you. Eating breakfast definitely helps improve my eating throughout the day. Keep it up and don't give up when the feelings become overwhelming.

ann54 04/21/2015

eshaw I am sorry you are battling so much, it is difficult and it sounds like you are fighting hard. I feel like I am fighting but days I feel I couldn't care less. to many things going on in my life that are not in my control and this is a feeding ground for ED thoughts. I just cant give in. however, I haven't eaten breakfast yet and I don't know if I will
;

( thanks so much everybody!!!

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