Eating Disorders Support Group

Eating disorders are marked by an obsessive need to control the intake and/or purging of food. This community is dedicated to those struggling on the road to recovery. Join to discuss your experience with others and find support. Get advice, ask questions, and meet others who are going through similar struggles.

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Warning- depressing! That's me!

eshaw
eshaw
I have been in a constant state of hopelessness, lack of energy, lack of motivation, lack of desire, no livelihood, and no desire to give all it takes to really live. Ever since a relationship ended, I lost my house, and dropped out of school, and was locked up for re-feeding for 3 months. Its like I gave up my will to live, and I've put on pounds, but I can't regain my strength, or happiness or anything else really. And all I want to do is lose weight until it takes my life, but I can't. And I think I'm angry and resentful that I can't, that I have to stay healthy to continue living for other people.

For the past 3 years my depression hasn't been the lowest of lows, like in the past, but its never been quite this perseverant. Never ending bad dream, not quite a nightmare like times in the past, but nothing worthy of living for. I don't know whats wrong with me, why I can't snap out of it. I've taken meds regularly, and tried so many. I want to die and end this nightmare. I feel like my spirit has vanished, years ago, and I can't get it back so I hide in my room terrified of everyone and everything, especially food.

I caved and bought a scale this weekend because I can't tolerate not knowing my weight anymore. I was with my mom all weekend so I ate no matter how much I didn't want to. I'm terrified of living everyday the rest of my life like this, I guess I figure if I can get the weight under control that is one less thing to worry about. Even get me closer to my goal of dying of natural causes. Sorry this is depressing. Can anyone relate?
kathywonders
kathywonders
I sure know the how it is to wish for enough money to get proper treatment or to get to the root of the pains and problems. I used to dream like that when it seemed I was a total mess and never going to get over my eating disorder or the depression. However, most of us just cant afford these kinds of treatment and care. Im not saying you shouldt go into residential therapy if you get the opportunity, but even without it life can, usually with some sort of support or inspiration, somehow sort itself out. By all means do try to get all the medical and psychotherapeutic treatment you can but remember that time is also a factor in healing. At some stages of life we are most receptive to treatment, ideas and all sorts of things. Im not sure that intensive residential treatment would really have helped when I was young because I was just too immature on many levels. I dont mean to imply that you are immature but I do believe that better times for you may well be ahead. I certainly hope you can hang on and find something - perhaps a person, change in life situation or source of inspiration that will lighten the burden you bear. I know you deserve it.
kpsurfersfan
kpsurfersfan
Eshaw... I can so relate to "shutting off the feelings"... that's how I survived. I know had I not done so throughout my childhood and into my early adult life, I would NOT be here now.

I have DID which is a fairly severe form of dissociation, and it's basically a survival mechanism that sufferers of extreme abuse etc (in my case incest and physical torture as a kid) use to survive the horrors. So I really understand the whole "blocking it all out" thing!

But little by little, as I've allowed myself (in a safe professional place) over the years to look at the pain one cupful at a time, I've gained reintegration and healing. My "splits" are less frequent these days and for this I'm very very thankful.

Don't stress about the fact that you have not yet been able to connect with the feelings under all the trauma. At the right time, when you are strong enough and healed enough, you may find (as I did) they began to slowly peak up. And because the time was right, it didn't "take me out" as I'd always feared. At times it did "feel" like it would, but my therapist would wisely and gently tell me these feelings could NOT hurt me - they were just "emotional echoes" from the dark, horrendous past... they were not my reality now. Hope this makes sense...
Take care, Kim x
eshaw
eshaw
Kim, thank you for sharing such a painful part of your life. I think its a miracle you survived, and an even bigger miracle that you have recovered as well as you have. Its so difficult to hear these stories and not lose faith in human kind. I'm so sorry you were tortured and mistreated.

I watched some kids today, who I'd never met because they are friends of my brothers kids. Their dad just knocked on the door and asked me if I'd watch them for a few hours, ages 8 & 6. He stated otherwise he could just leave them home alone for the night but since they were playing with my kiddos he thought he'd ask. I don't understand parents that don't put their children as top priority. I even more don't understand how someone could be so cruel as to hurt a child. I can understand most things, but not that. I hope you've come to gain trust in a better world, in better people.
Thanks for sharing your journey in learning to address and cope with emotion. It really gives me hope that if you can get better so can I. I sure hope so! I am not a very strong person, in my mind at least.
I pray your life becomes less stressful soon, once you finish your studies. And that you never come to know someone who causes you harm again.