Eating Disorders Support Group

Eating disorders are marked by an obsessive need to control the intake and/or purging of food. This community is dedicated to those struggling on the road to recovery. Join to discuss your experience with others and find support. Get advice, ask questions, and meet others who are going through similar struggles.

3,896 Members
20,112 Posts
0 Online
Mental Health
/ Eating Disorders Support Group

Warning- depressing! That's me!

eshaw
eshaw
I have been in a constant state of hopelessness, lack of energy, lack of motivation, lack of desire, no livelihood, and no desire to give all it takes to really live. Ever since a relationship ended, I lost my house, and dropped out of school, and was locked up for re-feeding for 3 months. Its like I gave up my will to live, and I've put on pounds, but I can't regain my strength, or happiness or anything else really. And all I want to do is lose weight until it takes my life, but I can't. And I think I'm angry and resentful that I can't, that I have to stay healthy to continue living for other people.

For the past 3 years my depression hasn't been the lowest of lows, like in the past, but its never been quite this perseverant. Never ending bad dream, not quite a nightmare like times in the past, but nothing worthy of living for. I don't know whats wrong with me, why I can't snap out of it. I've taken meds regularly, and tried so many. I want to die and end this nightmare. I feel like my spirit has vanished, years ago, and I can't get it back so I hide in my room terrified of everyone and everything, especially food.

I caved and bought a scale this weekend because I can't tolerate not knowing my weight anymore. I was with my mom all weekend so I ate no matter how much I didn't want to. I'm terrified of living everyday the rest of my life like this, I guess I figure if I can get the weight under control that is one less thing to worry about. Even get me closer to my goal of dying of natural causes. Sorry this is depressing. Can anyone relate?
ebrady87
ebrady87
Hi eshaw, I can relate to your situation. I'm sorry that your depression has been so bad, have you mentioned this to your doc? Maybe it might be time to switch things up. My friend got a lot of relief from a combination of medications and herbal remedies. I too, have been having a lot of motivational problems and on Friday, my PCP told me that I'm considered "overweight" now. So that was great for my dormant ED. I know what you mean about wanting to disappear but having to stick around... I am in the same position. Try to stay positive and really try to focus on the small good things that happen. No matter how minuscule they may seem. Things will get better, even if they seem like they wont. I know that is the most cliche of the cliche things to say, but I honestly do believe that and have seen it happen! All these bad things that have happened to you are just making room for new positive changes. You just have to try to see the light at the end of the tunnel, small steps and just take it day by day. If you ever need any support or someone to talk to, feel free. I hope that tomorrow is a better day for you.
eshaw
eshaw
Thank you ebrady87. I think you're right. I think I need to see a doctor again and try changing meds for my depression, and maybe consider counselling again if my ED feelings/behaviors don't improve. I keep saying this, but I'm resistant to see someone new, and my tx team gave up on me a long time ago.

I'm sorry your PCP told you you're overweight. Unless it was a health concern I don't see why a doctor would see any good coming from that. Maybe you need to tell him/her you have a history of an ED if they don't know already. I hope you are able to keep your ED dormant.

I'll try harder to stay positive, some days I can and others I'm a total basket case.
eshaw
eshaw
I gave up on tx is the reason my tx team gave up on me. Forgot to add that so it sounds like I'm a victim. I'm not. I just found it too hard and booked.
AnnaB12
AnnaB12
I'm so sorry you're struggling like this right now. I think counseling and considering different med options is a great idea. Is there anything you enjoy doing, or that makes you happy? Even in a small way. I've started to feel better after very dark periods by finding out what I love to do, and go from there. Hugs to you.
eshaw
eshaw
Thanks Anna. I enjoy children for short periods, as they exhaust me quickly, but I've started watching my brothers kids twice a week. They make me smile, as does my daughter and my mom. I know that's enough and I should be happy, but I'm not. I'll try to focus on the little things like you suggest, and try to stop judging my life as one big failure that I can't fix so I attempt to control with my ED. Things could be worse, but some days it doesn't feel that way.
kathywonders
kathywonders
Depression is an awful long-term, but not necessarily permanent illness. In a way I can relate to how you feel - Ive felt that way in the past, but the good news is that I dont feel like that anymore. I wish I could give a recipe for change but everyone is so different in this regard. Have you been in analytical psychotherapy (or any psychotherapy)? That too is hard going but possibly could gradually help you figure out what need to change to get back to health. As Anna B12 says you could try doing something that you like doing, however small and mundane, and concentrate for a moment on the enjoyment it gives.
eshaw
eshaw
Thanks Kathy. I haven't tried analytical psychotherapy. Actually I've never heard of it. I tried psychotherapy a long time ago with a male therapist but I was terrified so it never got anywhere but increased my anxiety. I appreciate your reply, and as for things I like, I like my kids, but besides that I've never found a talent, or hobby that I've pursued because I never felt good enough at anything, or really found anything that made me happy. I will keep looking for something positive to focus my attention on. Besides being a mom of course. It means a lot to be heard and understood. Thank you.
kathywonders
kathywonders
It is so important to feel comfortable with your psychotherapist. I "shopped around" four people before deciding. All were women but as I remember it the first I saw was "strict, formal, matronly" and she gave me the creeps. Number two was just somehow on a different wavelength - not my type of person. Numbers three and four were both OK but it was fairly easy to choose number four - she was maybe slightly less kind but a little more unconventional in her dress and that somehow signalled that shed work for me. Of course in practice shopping around isnt necessarily always possible. Think about psychotherapy again if you can find a woman therapist with whom you feel you can communicate.

Im sorry you havent found a talent or hobby you enjoy. Its true that a lot of hobbies demand talent and theres pressure to get better all the time. Dont put pressure on yourself. When youre depressed its so much harder to enjoy anything or start something new.

Im glad you find it worthwhile being a mom. I hope you find something positive, however small to appreciate today!
kpsurfersfan
kpsurfersfan
I too found that when my ED was full-on and active, depression and very low mood/energy and motivation went "hand in glove" with it.
I believe, based on my own experience as I've recovered from the ED slowly over the years, that an ED severely depletes the serotonin levels in one's brain. This is as a result of the malnutrition etc.

As I've learnt to eat well step by step and not over-exercise, my brain chemistry has stabilised. Please hang in there; this dark time will pass and we are here for you.

Kim.
eshaw
eshaw
Thank you Kim. I'm not sure whether my depression or ED is leading the way towards self-destruction. But either way, I need to make changes. When I got healthy my depression and anxiety never improved, I was hoping it was the cure all. But maybe it takes time, years, like you said. Only recently have I really slipped big time into ED behaviors, but it is such an obsession and I know I have to force myself to eat through the nausea, the discomfort, the guilt. I am struggling and turning to alcohol to replace food and its no good. I know this and yet the drive to continue to restrict is so strong. I'm sorry I'm being so honest and I hope I don't trigger anyone. I have to change so I don't seriously harm my daughter through my example. I want to do this alone, but I don't feel strong enough to fight it alone right now. Thank you for the hugs and support everyone. It helps to just have somewhere/someone to talk to.
eshaw
eshaw
I sound pathetic. I'm sure I'll get my appetite back and pull myself out of this. No worries, I'll be ok. If not, I'll seek help. Just needed to be real with someone because I lie to everyone around me every single day. :0(
kpsurfersfan
kpsurfersfan
Sorry you are still struggling.... but the good thing now is that you can clearly see the behaviours and coping mechanisms you are using, e.g. substituting alcohol for the food. What is the pain you are trying to numb from? Can you put it into words here?

You have had losses in your life, and I suspect deep down there is unexpressed grief and sadness around lost relationship, a lost home and having to give up your education. Would I be right?

These are all painful events. It's okay to feel grief over them. If you can and as much as you can, let yourself grieve them externally (i.e. cry aloud in private about them, put them into verbal words etc e.g. "I am sad because I lost...." or "I am sad and angry because this happened and I had NO control over it..." etc etc. Whatever feels right for you. Just a suggestion.... putting feelings into oral language moves it OUT of the sub-conscious mind where it just sits and stews, and it then moves into the conscious mind where you can process it and release it bit by bit.

Hope this helps some. You are accepted and loved here....

Kim x
eshaw
eshaw
What is the pain you are trying to numb from? Can you put it into words here?

Oye, that is a tuff one. I guess I've had a lot of painful experiences in my life that I haven't allowed myself to feel or grieve. Crying was not allowed, nor was speaking so I learned early on how to shut down emotions. Since age 13 I've basically numbed myself with my ED, cutting, alcohol, or drugs.

I know how to shut myself, emotions, off and I do whatever it takes to avoid feelings. In fact, most the time I can't connect to them anymore, and even if I want to cry it is rare the tears come. Instead I get sick or physical pain, or my anxiety and depression take over.
For some reason fear is the only emotion too intense for me to escape, probably why I have anxiety so bad.

I've tried to connect to feelings in therapy but never have been able to, I can tell the stories, but I can't connect at that level, probably a serious defense mechanism I've developed. Who knows.
So to answer your question, I think its an accumulation because I can't peg it down to one thing, or several. Its like the pain has always been there and I've been running from it ever since I can remember, getting bigger over time, a heavy load to carry I guess. Maybe I have a personality disorder, I hope not! :0(

Thanks for listening, I definitely think the losses you mentioned Kim, were what pushed me over the limit and made me check out of life to this degree. I hope I can find happiness soon, I'm really feeling hopeless. Thank you for your acceptance and love.
kathywonders
kathywonders
Something rings a bell when I read your latest response. I think in terms of connection to feelings I am very like you. To me the depression and despair were my feelings. Then in psychotherapy the therapist seemed to be obsessed about digging out "real" feelings. I was totally lost. I too was able to tell the stories (some of them at least) in a matter of fact way and it was my therapist who was moved - even to tears a couple of time. Her mission to help me find my feelings made some sort of an impression on me but didnt exactly bear the fruit shed been hoping for. My therapist seemed to be hoping for some kind of breakthrough that would lead to actions and change my life for the better. In the end she concluded that working towards the breakthrough she envisaged was too much for me. I couldt take the pressure. So, Eshaw, dont blame yourself for not getting into therapy. Some people can get into it and make progress: others stumble and perhaps feel like "therapy failures!. In the end I wouldt say my therapy was successful nor unsuccessful but it certainly wasnt a waste of time and effort. I maybe cant very easily define it, but I did get something out of it.
You certainly have self-awareness even if you cant connect all the feelings. Getting over pains, losses and the destructive coping habits is very long-term but Little by little things can improve. My life has improved. Your life can improve. Please dont give up.
eshaw
eshaw
Hi Kathy. Yes, I too have been completely disconnected but brought a therapist to tears. I wanted to feel what she felt so badly, I want to gain some compassion for myself but instead I felt nothing except a little laughter come on, and looked at her like she was crazy. I guess we learn to be strong in different ways. I think it would be awesome if I could ever learn to trust anyone enough to be that vulnerable if they did try to make me deal with all the pain I've avoided all my life, or attempted to anyway through neg coping strategies. It would be crazy difficult but maybe possible, maybe not. Maybe I need residential tx to get my life functioning again. Maybe that would be a waste? IDk. If we had the money wouldn't we all just take a few months and try to restore ourselves and our lives? lol. I know I'm not alone there. Thanks for your support, I will not give up, today.