Well, I can't say I directly know how that feels, but I do really miss how I was in my teens. I'm not overweight, but I'm certainly nowhere near as fit as I was back then. I have seen pictures of myself back then, and thought that back then I'd never have thought I'd had gone so far downhill.

But for you, I'll tell you something I really mean. The media, women, and lots of men portray being thin as something that is so much more important than anything else. To me, I never see someone's weight, I see personality. I know that sounds cheesy, but it's true. I haven't dated in over a decade, but when I did, my first girlfriend was 10 inches taller than I was and about 80lbs heavier. Despite that, I still cared about her more than any of the girls at the job I had (bunch of skinny girls who were inferior in terms of character).

Just don't let it get you down. I suffer from feelings like "men must be really muscular to be worth anything" myself, but deep down I know better. Both men and women need to fight the way we are portrayed as "perfect" on TV, the internet, and such.

SilentTears, I can totally relate to u. I too feel like I would give almost anything to go back to my E.D. I too miss being that little thin lady in control of everything that made me so thin. I've been and am struggling w/this big time. I'm now over weight and I hardly eat that much cuz I just don't have much of an appetite. I won't weigh myself and only take measurements when I need to find out what size of clothing to order on line. I want to try being anorexic but at the same time,I don't want to start all over again. And at the same time I want to be that skinny lady and now w/the knowledge I have, I know a lot more now and I would just get down to a size I'm comfortable with and ever so slowly gain a small amount of weight. No need 4 apologies. U definitely r not alone. Hugs to u!!! And prayers too!!!

I think we all struggle at times on the recovery journey. It's so easy to slip back into what feels "normal", or gives us a sense of power and control. It's probably the way we have dealt with things most of our lives. However, often times those things are not healthy for us.
If it was me, I would have to ask what is going on in my life right now that is forcing me to want to take control and spiral downward again? What is appealing about this? Is it going to send me back to a dark hole that I may be in for a very long time again? I've come so far, is it worth it? I think with an eating disorder, the "urge" is going to always be there, but we don't have to allow it to control us, and ultimately destroy us. I know we picture that thin girl in our minds and believe that if I just looked like that all would be well. I would have peace and joy in my life. Unfortunately, that is a lie that we believe that simply is not true. In a lot of cases, we get to that point and it still isn't good enough so we keep striving for "skinnier" and "better." Our self-worth does not come from our clothes size or a number on a scale. You are so much more then that. You are valuable for who you are and what you have to offer this world! Don't get caught up in the lies in your head! If you aren't already, I would highly recommend seeing a therapist. Healing from this is possible. Often times, we just need to learn different ways to cope with the feelings and thoughts that drive us to binge/purge/restrict. I've been where you are. I understand. Wishing you the best.

Yeah I get those thoughts a lot and it's hard!

It's hard not to miss it, me with the control part mostly especially in times I feel out of control. I think its part of the recovery process though. Relapsing is tempting for different reasons, but just remember, "you've come too far to only come this far"

Sometimes yes, because I actually felt more control. I have not completely recovered by I sought help a couple of months back and it's VERY hard trying not to count calories or weigh myself. I threw out the scale and everything and don't technically know my weight. But let's be honest, being SUPER thin isn't even attractive. 9/10 guys that I know say that a super thin girl isn't their first choice. I remember that when I feel like completely relapsing. Even my boyfriend tells me this all the time. Bottom line is -- you don't see yourself as others do regardless and you will never be happy with the image in the mirror especially if your vision of "attractive" is super thin. So stay strong and remember that you've come so far to go back. Tell yourself "just for today, I will fight this and meet my goals." Tell yourself that EVERY DAY and see how far you move towards your goals.

SilentTears, you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned "control." We all fear losing control and giving in to the unexpected. It's a very, very difficult thing to do. Our eating disorders are known to us we are familiar with them, and they've been with us when no one else was. That's why we hang onto them. It's extremely hard to let go and venture into the unknown. I really like sailorSweetheart's comment, and I echo what a lot of people are saying on here.