Eating Disorders Support Group
Eating disorders are marked by an obsessive need to control the intake and/or purging of food. This community is dedicated to those struggling on the road to recovery. Join to discuss your experience with others and find support. Get advice, ask questions, and meet others who are going through similar struggles.
Sorry this is a long post but I really need some advice and support.
Over the last week or so I've been doing everything in my power to lose weight. Restricting, purging daily and exercising. But tonight something inside just clicked. Like a light switch being turned on. In 3 months time (September) I am supposed to be playing a huge role in my best friends wedding. I'm a bridesmaid. Which means I will be expected to help organising it in the run up. It's a real honour as I'm the only friend who's been asked.
So what am I doing trying to lose weight!? I don't want to end up IP again which is where I've ended up 4 times now. I can't go through all that again and more importantly, I need to be there for my best friend's special day. It (should) only happen once and I'm going to ruin it!? I don't think so.
Problem is... I don't know how to get out of this cycle I've got myself into. I feel so selfish with what i'm doing right now but I feel like I can't stop. I really WANT to be able to stay healthy for September but I don't know if I can do it. Purging is a hard habit to break and now I feel I have to do it after every meal. I'm desperate to gain some control in my life at the moment. My Mum is drinking and there are arguments between her and her partner most nights. I don't know how else to cope. It brings back a lot of painful memories from my past. When my Mum is sober, which to be fair is most of the day. It's only at nights she drinks, she's very supportive and has always been there for me with understanding. Do I tell her what's been going on? So that maybe just for a little while she can 'supervise' my meal times with me and help me not purge afterwards by staying with me for an hour after meals? I really feel like this would help me but it's going to be so hard to ask for help. I've never been very good at admitting I need help. And part of me just REALLY wants to ignore everything and carry on losing weight. It's so hard. I feel so torn between doing the right thing and what my anorexia is telling me to do. It's so hard to go against it.
Any advice or support would be much appreciated.
Over the last week or so I've been doing everything in my power to lose weight. Restricting, purging daily and exercising. But tonight something inside just clicked. Like a light switch being turned on. In 3 months time (September) I am supposed to be playing a huge role in my best friends wedding. I'm a bridesmaid. Which means I will be expected to help organising it in the run up. It's a real honour as I'm the only friend who's been asked.
So what am I doing trying to lose weight!? I don't want to end up IP again which is where I've ended up 4 times now. I can't go through all that again and more importantly, I need to be there for my best friend's special day. It (should) only happen once and I'm going to ruin it!? I don't think so.
Problem is... I don't know how to get out of this cycle I've got myself into. I feel so selfish with what i'm doing right now but I feel like I can't stop. I really WANT to be able to stay healthy for September but I don't know if I can do it. Purging is a hard habit to break and now I feel I have to do it after every meal. I'm desperate to gain some control in my life at the moment. My Mum is drinking and there are arguments between her and her partner most nights. I don't know how else to cope. It brings back a lot of painful memories from my past. When my Mum is sober, which to be fair is most of the day. It's only at nights she drinks, she's very supportive and has always been there for me with understanding. Do I tell her what's been going on? So that maybe just for a little while she can 'supervise' my meal times with me and help me not purge afterwards by staying with me for an hour after meals? I really feel like this would help me but it's going to be so hard to ask for help. I've never been very good at admitting I need help. And part of me just REALLY wants to ignore everything and carry on losing weight. It's so hard. I feel so torn between doing the right thing and what my anorexia is telling me to do. It's so hard to go against it.
Any advice or support would be much appreciated.
I am seeing a therapist already, supposed to be seeing him tomorrow as it happens. But he doesn't really know how much of a struggle it is at the moment. He knows nothing about the purging, and I haven't had my bloods done for months because i've been maintaining a healthy weight. So there's no way of him finding out unless I tell him.
I guess that's one good thing. Even though I have lost weight. I am still reasonably close to my healthy weight I maintained. So it hasn't gone too far for me to be medically unstable...although having said that I am purging...but you know what I mean. I'm no where near a dangerous weight.
Logically I know what eating disorders do. And for other people I met whilst in hospital before. It's a very serious illness. But I just can't identify with the seriousness of it for me. I just feel like, "Oh it's ok it wont happen to me. I'm not that ill". That's why I find it difficult to accept help. 1. I don't think I deserve it. And 2. I'm not ill enough to need outside help. I want to be in control.
By the way, yes. My therapist is the same one i've had since I was admitted the first time. He's great in loads of ways but it's me that cant change. Me that's causing. I just hate myself so much that all I want to do is self-destruct. The worst part is though, it effects other people and I hate that. I hate myself for not being able to recover. For not always WANTING to recover. I'm so selfish.
Thank you for you reply.
My Mum told him that I've been purging. So now he knows.