I keep myself very private and I don't talk to people about my problems much. But my best friend and housemate knows I have always struggled with anorexia. She can be really insensitive sometimes...

Today she said that her boyfriend and our other housemate (both male, and I don't know either of them very well) were talking about me and my appearance. Then she said, smiling, 'they can be so mean. They both said yesterday that you've gained SOO much weight since you moved in here. And John (John's her boyfriend) said that when you used to go to the gym you had an ass, but it's gone now. Now all that muscle's just turned to fat."

I think I probably looked shocked. To which she replied with her usual "but they mean you're bigger in a good way."

The tragedy of it is that I was starting to do better... I'm teetering on the edge of my healthy weight range at the moment. I have actually LOST about 5 kilos since I moved in this house, because I started to relapse a bit. Before I moved in here I was actually the biggest I have ever been in my life, which was perfectly in the middle of my BMI. But of course that made me with all my problems feel obese... So when I moved in here I started skipping meals. Partially because of this sudden judgement from these men, neither of whom have ever attempted to have a conversation with me. I was doing really badly for a few months.

But I had JUST started to gain a bit of self esteem back. I started eating properly again only about a week ago. And wearing nice clothes and even doing my makeup from time to time. I've been feeling good again lately for the first time in ages.

My housemate said this to me earlier today and I haven't been able to eat. I haven't had lunch or dinner because I feel too sick. I just don't know why she'd say that to me, she knows how this sort of thing hurts me. She does this so often. She'll insult my weight or appearance or even my personality but do it by claiming someone else said it.

The thing is I've always been ridiculously sensitive. I remember when it all started when I was only 11. I was playing with two friends at one of their farms, I spent my teen years in a rural country town. I hit puberty before anyone else in my year. Suddenly I had wide hips and breasts and all the other girls seemed like dainty little elves to me. I was sick with envy of all of them, and felt like some huge troll. But on this particular day I was playing chasey with these two girls. I ran out of breath, and one of them said "Jeez no wonder you're so fat, you're so lazy."

That's one of the things that first set it off. Later the girl told me that she was only joking and that I'd already started starving myself, and she only said it to be ironic. I don't really remember if that happened before or after my eating disorder began, but I remember the pain that comment caused me, and how it drove me into starvation. How disgusting and fat and clumsy I felt.

I remember my step dad would tell me I was fat, and then later mock me and say he only said that to point out how ridiculous I was for starving myself. In retrospect it was pretty sick for so many people to 'mess with' a very young girl struggling with anorexia. But people still do it, even my best friend in the world. I shouldn't be so sensitive. People say cruel things about other people and that's just a fact of life... It's just that for some reason, when it's me, people feel the need to rub it in.

With logic and reason I know that my housemate is very insecure herself. I know that she is bored and lonely, and unhappy in her relationship. I know that she develops these weird little crushes on any man who pays attention to her, and whenever she does she loves telling me about how unattractive they find me. She got into a relationship very, very young and has never been with anyone else. She has told me before how much she regrets that. But now I think she's going through one of her 'schoolgirl crushes' on our other housemate. I overheard her Mum call her the other day and all she talked about was how great and amazing this guy is. Then it hit me and I had an epiphany. That's why she's been making so many snide remarks about me lately.

But it means constant little insults towards me every day. With logic and reason I know that I am not fat. With logic and reason I know that she fishes for men to point out my flaws. With logic and reason I'm even pretty sure one of them may have said that I look 'healthy' lately and she herself translated that into "you look much bigger." And with logic and reason I know that this is about her, not me.

But my dark self will still dig this up and torment me with it. To my dark self "you look much bigger lately" coming from anyone is a precious pearl of self hate.

Now I'm worried. Part of that is about my well being, but most of it is horror and disgust that maybe somehow, despite what the scales say, I do look bigger lately. I'm pretty seriously at risk at the moment.