hi guys-my friend jacqui suggested the book "the real me: being the girl god sees" by singer/songwriter natalie grant when i began to open up to my teamceline family about my eating disorder.the book is part autobiography and part journal. natalie intertwines her struggle with bulemia with stories of real women and young girls who have overcome obstacles. the most helpful aspect of the book for me has been the journal part i mentioned earlier.

in each chapter, she asks questions of the reader, then leaves space for them to be answered. this book is really forcing me to deal with a lot of the things that contribute to my BED.

in chapter two, natalie asks "if you could truly believe what god says about you, how would your life be different?"

i wrote "if i could truly believe what jesus says, i wiuld be happier. i wouldn't feel the need to eat to cover my pain, and then avoid food out of fear and guilt. i wiuldn't have to avoid mirrors and scales."

if any of you are interested, you can buy it here: http://search.barnesandnoble.com/T...

getting through this book has been wonderful, freeing, eye-opening, healing, and painful. but it is neccessary. i have surprised myself. when i first read that she had done this with the book, i thought i might lie to protect myself. you know, just in case someone in the house happened to run across the book. (my laptop, desk, and books are in the living room.) and snoop. but i have been refreshingly honest with myself and god. i won't share all my answers, but enough to give you an idea of how i feel and how this book is helping me recover.

while talking about her own natural tendancy to please people-often to the extent of exhausting herself, natalie grant asks readers to think about their own habits. are you a people pleaser or someone who's never satisfied? i wrote:

"i am the most hopeless people pleaser i know. i refuse to confront people who hurt me because i hate the very idea of someone being upset with me. i am the one who wants to fix all my loved ones problems. i hate anyone being mad at me-especially mom."

i suppose that part about loved ones' problems is kind of a good thing. after all, there must be reasons why my friends and family ask for my advice and want to talk to me, right? but i tend to take it to an emotional extreme. i feel HORRIBLE if i can't fix things for you guys. PLEASE don't feel like you can't come to me because i've said this. i want you guys to lean on me, but i'm trying to be honest.

natalie grant opens up about how her bulemia started (a college boyfriend who frequently commented on her weight/diet coupled with her own "need" to be perfect.) and she asks what lengths have readers gone to in order to impress guys.

"i have thrown myself at the male friends i have been attracted to through choir and class projects. all this to get shot down and fed the "just friends" line after bearing my soul. i did it because-like an idiot-i thought that maybe one of them would see past my chair to who i am."

later, she asks about fears:

i am afraid of being abused again. i am afraid my cp will keep me from working. i am afriad i will never be able to be completely independant. i am afraid i will never beat my eating disorder."

there were a million more i could have listed, but those are the big ones. obviously, fear is a huge mountain in my life. i don't know why, but i was never able to say any of these out loud. writing it down was painful. blogging about it scares me. again, i don't know why. it just does. fear is a reason for a lot of things. fear is why i won't tell mom about my ED. fear is why i don't want to go to therapy. fear is why i am hesitant to apply for the disney college program. although i'd be absolutely crazy happy over the prospect of WORKING AT DISNEY WORLD for a year, i'm unsure of the bus systems and things in orlando. so i have gotten invitations every semester since 2006 and haven't gone because i am scared. i have all these dreams of what that would be like, but it's all just in my head. i never get to see it because i am scared of being that far away from family and friends.

one of the most eye-opening parts of the book was when she talked about doing a word association list for the word "beauty" her list was:

1. long legs
2. tiny waist
3. flawless skin
4. toned all over
5. laughter

my list:

1. thin
2. clear complextion
3. long hair
4. straight teeth
5. good attitude

logically, i know "good attitude" should have been there first. i couldn't help but think after writing that, "where the hell did i get such a screwed up view of beautiful?" seriously. when did beautiful become all about looks in my head? keep in mind, i didn't think about what to put. these were just the first five things that popped in my head. my parents did their best to always tell me i could do whatever i wanted despite my cerebral palsy. my mom and/or dad have attended every concert, audition, and music competition i've performed in. they've been there every step of the way-whispering loving words in my ear seconds before the music puts my spirit in flight...

SO WHERE DID THIS COME FROM?!!!!!!!!!! this crazy, warped, view of not only me but beauty as a whole? i don't quite get it. guess me and god will have to do some digging till we find out.

so there you go. that's a glimpse of me...how i really am, not who i pretend to be.-fallon