Eating Disorders Support Group

Eating disorders are marked by an obsessive need to control the intake and/or purging of food. This community is dedicated to those struggling on the road to recovery. Join to discuss your experience with others and find support. Get advice, ask questions, and meet others who are going through similar struggles.

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forteri 11/26/2016

Up until this year, I thought that I was so rid of my bulimia/anorexia forever. I'd been good, had the girl, the awesome job, the financial stability...the health regimens...the health.

...until I moved back with my fiancé to the state where it all began. Idk...I guess it was the change? The fact that I now live about 4 hrs away by car instead of a day or so away by plane from the parents that started it. Idk. But i see this as an excuse now. And I've only been good for about a couple of weeks until last night. Idk what triggered it and I bloody HATE myself for it because I could have stopped...maybe...I would have needed like...to be tied up, drugged numb and like...idk...not be concscious of my body so idk if I could have stopped...what really sucks is that I had a deal with my fiancé that anytime this happened, I'd tell her. I'd wake her up. ...and I knew that I could have but I didn't. I know that she's at her limit of this...and I know that it really sucks for her to see me hurting like this...and I still did it. And so I'm battling with this thought right now...mentally, I may not have been able to stop but physically? I'm not decapitated. I have both my hands, arms, feet. I made it so that I binged even though I was satisfied with dinner. I binged with purging in mind right after, and I physically stuck my fingers into my mouth to make myself purge. I made it so that there wouldn't be noise to wake my fiancé up. ....so how can it possibly be okay that this happened, that today was a new day, and that I'm allowed to move forward? What I did was not okay. I hurt the love of my life and I've taken us both a step back from a future that we both deserve.

Idk. I'm so upset I lost my trail of thought. Any comments would be welcomed. ps- why aren't offices open on holidays here? They've got a suicide hotline that's free and available 24/7. Just saying. It might have been nice

forteri 11/28/2016

I can't allow her to do this

CeeCee4 11/28/2016

That's definitely a lot of stuff to work through relationships are hard in general my husband and I have a lot of difficulty but lately it's been better. I avoid my triggers. I have faced everything that I can possibly faced but I still have anxiety I think I have just general anxiety that comes from nowhere and how I handle it is through my eating disorder so my triggers I have to be careful or they cause me to jump into behaviors the last therapist that I saw told me that I still have a lot to work on because I have such a huge list of things I can't eat and I have to avoid they're not bad things I mean I can't eat fast food ice cream butter certain things but they're bad for you anyways so it's not that big of a deal at least I'm able to eat cheese now I never use be able to eat that

forteri 11/28/2016

I like cheese. Lolll. Confession. Don't tell anyone.

....I allow myself that sometimes. For thanksgiving, I made imitation mashed potatoes made of about 3 cauliflowers and about 2 table spoons of sour cream. I was pretty proud of myself because it tasted like crack and was completely okay with the cream. And I had some of her baked ziti with actual cheese.

...I thought she might have been proud of me. Smh.

I don't have insurance and no free places have ever contacted me back regardless of the number of times I reached out. She doesn't believe that. The night this happened I called them again and nothing. She thought it was for show. I don't even know whether she'd be up for couples therapy on this. Last time we went, it wasn't well received by her.

How do you keep him? Do you ever feel like he treats you like he's a doctor? How do you guys stick together?

LP0126 11/28/2016

While there are a million things I can relate to, I'll interject that my husband is so at his wits end with all of this. He doesn't see all he behaviors and just can't appreciate the severity of the disease or the impact it has on every moment of my life. He gets so frustrated that we can't go out to eat or go to parties or get together a or have trigger foods in the house or if we do go then I am anxious and panicked and sometimes he gets embarrassed by my Behavior.. I wish he understood how horribly exhausting it is to live my life with this ED. It's so hard on those around us that love us. It's not a disease that makes much sense to most people.

forteri 11/28/2016

Thank you for sharing. That's ...I don't know what to say except that it's a lot. I don't know that I'd. I don't even think ....Teri doesn't see me as a partner. Hasn't in a year. I was told this today. She's hurting herself...has silenced herself.....I can't stand for this.

Thank god im in public all day is all.

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