I understand the hating of what you putting your partner through hell. When I was at my worst I actually lost my boyfriend because of it. He felt helpless because he didn't know how to help me and felt if I loved him enough I should be able to stop. I knew I was hurting him and our relationship every time I did it but just couldn't stop. About two weeks before he left I started really trying to get better but he couldn't see it because the damage has already been done. Hopefully you can find your way back to recovery faster then I did.

I'm so sorry it is hard. Relapses happen all the time. I am currently having an issue I think understandingredients why you puget is best. For me it is a sense of control over what goes in and out a false sense of control
What are your tiggers? I made a list of trigger that way im.aware of what to.avoid and how I can function

Thank you for your well-wishes. I do pray that I can get my shit together before she tires of this. @CeeCee, I have loads of anxiety issues to list. I think what happened last night triggered something on my self-esteem. What's so stupid is that any other well-balanced human being (me before this year) wouldn't think twice of it. I even didn't think anything of it until I decided that I wanted some watermelon after dinner. It's water. I workout and need the nutrients. But I did it anyway. I don't know how to stop hating myself for my mistakes. I think that the fact that it was intentional kills me. I totally blocked out my reasons for fighting. I am not that kind of person, I hate this ED. It's taken so much of my life from me. And now my fiancé. ...my future family. And I let the asshole in with open arms last night and let it fuck me stupid. I'm so angry at myself

Hi- so glad you reached out and shared. I suck at this,, we all probably do, so please don't be offended by me saying this...but give yourself a break! This ED journey is long and tortuous and we will make so many mistakes and that is just part of the journey. No matter how far into recovery we are there will be slips to some degree. Some planned, some unintended, some a mixture of both. It's not like chemical sobriety that is more black and white. Living requires interacting w food on a daily basis and making recovery choices dozens and dozens of times a day. We can't be perfect. Living in our guilt and anger and regret just gives the ED power to fester and consume more. It sounds like you have come so far and have so much in your life. Don't let this slip define you. Don't let ED control you. Take a breath, forgive yourself, and start new tomorrow. Analyze what happened to try to prevent it from happening again. Use this as a learning tool. At least that's the pep talk I would give myself. Actually I have many times! ;) good luck! I hope your fiancé can feel compassion for the pain you are feeling. Let us know how it goes.

You don't suck at this LP.

Thank you.

I am sorry you are hurting so much right now. It does sound like you have been triggered by an old trauma - perhaps one with your parents.

EDs develop because we need a coping mechanism so we don't have to feel and it sounds like you are feeling a whole lot right now. My advice would be to allow yourself to feel what you can; cry, punch a pillow, scream into a pillow, rip up a carboard box if you jave one. It is in the release of the emotions that anxiety reduces and the need for a cooing mechanism redduces.

If you don't feel safe releasing your emotions in the ways I've listed you could try writing them out. Sometimes I would write angry letters to my mother and then I would burn them. It'svery therapeutic.

((Hugs))

Thank you for your words Lucky. Teri has been supporting me in my gym and health regimens. Working out and realeasing all my anxiety through that has practically saved my life. I'm more calm that way in dealing with my food battles. I've also gotten to a point where I know that I need it as fuel. On top of that, I fight my tendency to over think what I'm eating by cooking a lot or if at a restaurant, 'modifying the menu items. It's a shit load of work! But you guys are right. I'm still so angry about it all but if I want my future, I gotta stay focused and pay attention to what I have.

I love my baby. I don't wanna lose her. And that she's stuck by me throughout this means more to me than I can explain.

I gave ED my finances middle finger last night. Still anxious (we had an argument over the incident the night before) but I neither b/p. Kept my mind on her. And how much I want her here and how much I want our future.
Gonna have breakfast now and then gym followed by some shopping for my business trip tomorrow. Maybe I can figure out what went wrong while I workout or something.. Lots to do though.. ED will not keep me from moving forward. I just pray that she stands by me.

*that she keeps standing by me

working out had helped me out so much. I joined a muay thai gym and started training almost 5 years ago. I stopped behaviors for a whole 2 years while competing in amateur womens muay thai fights. Now that I am not fighting, Ii am having behaviors and a hard time. Gym time is important for me. I know that is my healthy outlet. I also go to the regular gym down the street if I cant make it to hit pads. It helps but not like muay thai. I have a list of foods I cannot eat because I will purge. So I know I at least try to be good.
I am glad you were able to not b/p. That is a good step in the right direction

CeeCee you're a woman after my own heart! Do you cook too? I might just post my recipes here. It really helps fuel my workouts. I hate not having energy when I go to the gym and love love seeing results. It just makes the rest of my day more calm and peaceful afterwards. Thank you for sharing. This regimen kept me away from ED for a good 6 years.

Lol I do cook but not stuff most will eat due to my rigid rules. What sucks is a day after b/p episodes I can't workout well I'm sluggish, My heartburn is so bad, and my heart goes into palpations. So when I workout it motivates me to stay good so I can hit the gym the next day. I guess when I was competing I knew I had to be good or really get my butt kicked in the ring.

If only we could prep for triggers that way....
But what happens when you're triggered by the very people you trust and love?

I should really explain what happened that night but I have a more pressing question.
Do you avoid triggers or do you face them head on?

Triggers are very difficult to confront because usually they are scary or, at the very least, uncomfortable. However, triggers are windows into what you need to heal. They are telling you the story of what happened and telling you the path you must take to heal them. For example: If a family member has always insulted you or put you down it may make you feel hurt, angry, betrayed and unloved. These feelings are very difficult to feel all the time so, in order to cope with them, we eat, drink, do drugs, smoke...etc. so we don't have to feel them. Now, whenever you feel someone is insulting you or putting you down it calls upon all those unexpressed difficult emotions and your autopilot kicks in and says "I must cope with this by eating and pushing the feelings aside". This particular trigger is giving you the opportunity to allow yourself to feel and allow yourself to express your feelings. The more feelings you express the better you will feel.

Imagine having an empty pitcher given to you the day you were born. Every time your emotions were felt and you pushed them aside rather than express them, you put a splash of water in the pitcher. Every day of your life when you pushed your feelings aside instead of expressing them you put a splash of water in the pitcher. By the time you were 10 (maybe even younger) you can imagine that pitcher was already overflowing. But you keep trying to add water to the pitcher. Until you release all the emotions trapped in the pitcher you can't add any more to it. So when you have something trigger you today it's essentially saying "Go back to the pitcher, work on the emotion you have trapped there, and then this trigger will go away".

All that said...I have avoided triggers because they were too difficult to deal with until I did more healing. I have also faced my triggers but only as I was able to. I found I had to work from the outside in...meaning I had to work on the 'not so scary' triggers before I could work on 'the very scary' triggers.

You're right. ...all of you. There is no 1 recovery method. Idk about you but I'm shit scared of hospital walls. The last time the parents admitted me, I literally spent the entire time planning on how I could kill myself with the stuff they allowed me to have in my room. This defo comes from all those other times that I was in the ICU for weeks-almost months on end. I know that prioritizing what will get me to be healthy right now is the only way it'll work. Good habits...communication...forgiveness and using fall backs as tools to figure myself out and face the situations that I am able to right now. That was my thinking in moving back to Cali. I believed that I was strong enough and even stronger now with my partner to face my demons. Looks like I've bit off more than I can chew. No pun intended.
Perhaps my biggest fear is in being alone in this. I mean, I know that I will recover. But I know that part of my recovery is in believing in myself and the one thing that brought me to it the first time was love. At the time before I met my fiancé, it was my faith...my love for it, the freedom of it. In coming here, it was that AND her. Love grew 10 times with Teri. If I lose her....

....sorry.

Note to self: ONE STEP AT A TIME bitch! Priority!

lol.....smh.

Teri's been hurting herself because of this. Starving herself. She feels uncomfortable putting anything into her mouth around me. She's silenced her own anxieties, fears because she thinks I can't handle anymore than this.

...she doesn't see me as her partner anymore...and here I was ...Willy Nilly flooring past this ED fucking crap hoping to run it down on our way to that future she said she was still in it for.

I don't think being with me is a good idea anymore. Said it in so many ways but couldn't bring myself to be direct. What's the point if she can't see me as anything but weak. What's the point if she can't treat me like I am equal. What's the fucking point if all of the focus is on failures and fall backs rather than progress.

Priority. She should be. But now she's making herself sick so....what's the point