I am so scared. When I was younger, I had anorexia. A few years later, I was restored back to a healthy weight. However, I did so through binge eating, and I continued to binge even after becoming weight restored. 

I remember those years of binging as the worst of my life. I was in such a dark and unhealthy place that I didn't want to live anymore. Somehow, I was able to reverse my binging behavior, but then I became obsessed in that respect as well, returning to anorexic habits. 

After 2 years of this, I finally entered recovery with a therapist and a family doctor. I became "weight restored" a few months ago, but, yet again, I did this through binge eating. And, like last time, I continued to binge eat. 

Now, I have found myself back into my old habits of binging. I sneak food into my room and am up almost all night because of binging. The next day I promise myself it won't happen again, but it does later that night. This has happened every night this week. 

I've reminded myself so much of how I was years ago, I am in tears every night. The worst part is, everything is a lie, to myself and parents. Of course, my mom found out because she went to have a certain dessert food and it was all gone because of me. Later she says, "should we talk about dessert tonight?" and I tell her a lie about how I ate a bit of the dessert and threw the rest away because it was too tempting (when really I ate the entire thing - very embarrassing). She gets upset, saying, "well I wanted that. You could have at least saved some for ME." I'm in tears I feel so badly and angry and the same time. She also said it's a good thing I didn't "eat ALL if that because that was huge" (when REALLY I ate all of that and so much more). 

I'm so sorry for this long, rambling post. Im just so scared I'm back in my old ways.