Hi lilduckie :)

I'm sorry that you're struggling....

It's great that you're eating your 3 meals. However, you seem to be aware that there is still some unconscious or sub-conscious restriction occurring.

When this happens to me, I need to ask myself "Why? Why has this behaviour popped up again?", and "What's going on inside that I'm not wanting to face or not aware of?", and "What's driving the restriction or obssession - is it self-hatred, shame, pain, fear, etc etc?" - you fill in the blank. I find journalling my feelings around all this really helps - it gets it out of my head and helps me move forward.

It's really good you have the support of a counsellor, as we cannot recover from an ED in isolation.

Don't quit. We all fall down but we can get back up again.

Bye for now, Kim :)

Kim,
Thank you for your advice, I am trying to ask myself what's going on. It is nice to know that I am not alone in this. I will try journaling. Thank you for your help.

Its good that youre seeing a counsellor. Are you also under the supervision of a doctor for your health problems?

If youre unsure about what your warning signs are Arielles Wednesday Warriors videos (youll find them on YouTube through google) might be helpful. Arielle looks at eating disorders at many angles - some might be strange but other might hit a note.

Keep up the basic meals and keep on reaching out for support!

My counselor is trying to help but she is concerned. She told me to keep a food diary and I am nervous to show her tomorrow. She understand since she is in recovery of a ED. I asked her how she does it and she said that she has turned food into a positive. Like eating healthy but eating lots of good things. I am not under doc supervision but I am suppose to go to the nutrionist soon. I will look online at that lady on youtube. Thank you for your advice. I am trying to stay strong but I am freaking out at the same time. Thank you for your guys help. Trying to keep my chin up.

Food diaries can seem so personal that theys hard to share but as you realise your counselor is there to not going to be judging you. Have you any idea if anything specific triggered this relapse such as some stressful life event?

I think the relapse may have happened with me applying to grad school, cleaning the apt because im trying to get a Guide Dog and the home inspection is in begging of Feb. I'm trying to stay on top of everything. im also on a new anti-depressent and it supresses my hunger too. I still make myself eat. People are starting to complement me on losing weight. I just have to becareful.

I agree with KathyWonders,

Food diaries can be very helpful. I write down my food each day, in a simple easy format with no judgement. That is to say, I don't measure food or count energy or portions etc. Nor do I "count days". I used to belong to OA and found it triggered me when I tried to follow their advice of "counting days of abstinence"...in the group I was in they were very legalistic and they held the belief if you had a "slip" you had to start back at day zero. I tried this over and over, and finally realised it was "doing my head in"... I felt like a failure and that triggered the bingeing. The fear of having to go back to "day zero" over and over actually was counter-productive for me!

Now I don't count days - days are days; they are neither good or bad, they just are where I'm at at that particular moment. I'm a "human BEING" not a "human doing"!! I find this approach much less destructive and less judgemental. As many may be able to relate to, I know don't need anymore judgement in my life now - I grew up with enough of that crud via abusive narcissitic parents who demanded perfection (which is NOT attainable) and set severe punishments if their exacting standards were not attained.

Now I practice love and compassion towards myself - my mind, my heart and spirit, and my body. Food is just energy and fuel for my life now which is rich and happy. This helps keep the obsession at bay - mostly. Keep going, lilduckie, and trust your counsellor to have your best interests at heart. She is a professional.

All the best, Kim.

When you tell whats going on in your life I see youre under quite a bit of stress. Having someone come into your home, especially inspecting it is a huge thing and then a big clean up is another major event (at least for some of us, me included). Applications are stressful too and with all these things the outcome is still uncertain. You need energy to cope with all of this so do keep eating.
I really hope you get a Guide Dog. As well as being a guide a dog can be such a great companion!

Thank you for your ladies support!! My doctor gave me that ok to count calories which has made my counselor really angry. My doctor knows I suffer from ED. So I have told myself that I can't count calories. It's better if I don't. I know I would become obsessed. The food journal seems to be helping and going well. Counselor is happy but wants me to eat a little more. I'm trying.
Yeah grad school, Guide Dogs has me frazzled but I know that it will go well I think. My partner has been supportive in trying to help me. My mom is my mom and doesn't realize what she says can hurt my feelings sometimes. She say "you look like you have lost weight. good job" then other times she says "you don't need to eat that. You need to watch what you eat and lose some weight". So I try hard to not discuss food or weight with her. You ladies are inspiration to me and I know I can try to be healthy and get out of this relapse. It does scare me and I don't want to die. I think I can make it over this hurdle. Thanks.

I agree. Parents sometimes just dont understand at all and can be very hurtful. Good for you in trying to distance yourself from that! Its OK to let it out here if your mom says something upsetting!

I've found over and over that unless you've struggled with or are currently walking with an ED, there is no way you can truly understand someone who has one. Family and friends will not understand the deep psychology of an ED nor the triggers.

I have a friend who is ALWAYS trying to get me to eat sugary or inappropriate food (like sweet processed crud) when I visit her. I do not eat this type of food because it triggers me hugely and ends up in a binge. I know clearly what food is good for me and heals my ED, and what foods are triggers or danger foods.

I sigh (internally) over and over everytime we go through this little "dance of wills" - her trying to shove crap down my throat, and me politely but firmly saying "No thanks I've just eaten" (if I have) or "No thanks I don't want any..."

She's "old school" and thanks you have to feed up visitors and do not do so is rude. But I'll just keep reinforcing my position politely and let it go. I know she is not trying to sabotage me or hurt me; it's just her upbringing.

I say to her I come to visit you and enjoy your company; that's enough.

She is very different from what I used to get with my mother when I was severely anorexic and deep into the ED. Mum would purposely "set me up" to fail, i.e. fill the house with my binge/trigger foods, then say "XYZ is in the pantry.... BUT you can't eat those can you, because you lack self-control!!!!" My mother was anorexic, narcissistic and cruel and delighted when I "relapsed" into the food and ate it anyways... I am now free of her toxic ways. I am sad that she was like this and died before she could get the help she needed mentally/emotionally, but there it is.

Hope some of this resonates with you....

Kim :)

Very true. My mom is heavy set and she is very outspoken and doesn't always know that what she says hurts my feelings. When I was in high school if I burped and she would say "here piggy piggy piggy". I told her I don't I didn't like it but she would still do it. So distancing myself from mom is good.
I had a weird moment last night where I almost passed out. I had to use the bathroom and then I got really dizzy and started to see colored lights so I ended up laying on the bathroom floor til I felt better. Then my partner found me and asked if I was ok. I was and I think I was dehydrated. So drinking lots of water.
You ladies ROCK!

I am happy you have opened up here and the 2 woman have given such excellent advice! you are taking it in, listening to your counselor, and trying ti distance yourself from mom. it is difficult when family doesn't get it, so it is so good you have someone to go to for support and guidance. I really have nothing to add that hasn't been said, just know I am here and I understand.

I am thankful for everyone who has been talking to me. It is defiantly helpful. I am still struggling but doing ok. Had a odd almost fainting spell the other night. I have been staying hydrated. Eating a little bit better. I am going to keep up with counseling and my counselor may up my counseling to twice a week for awhile. I do trust my counselor and you awesome ladies. Thank you for your support.

Im sure the fainting experience felt bad. It could have been due to stress and weakness from low blood sugar or, if you had eaten, from some form of food poisoning. It isnt necessarily very serious if its just the one time but needs to be taken very seriously if it happens again.
All the Best!