Eating Disorders Support Group
Eating disorders are marked by an obsessive need to control the intake and/or purging of food. This community is dedicated to those struggling on the road to recovery. Join to discuss your experience with others and find support. Get advice, ask questions, and meet others who are going through similar struggles.
The last few days have been rough. I thought I made a breakthrough over the weekend, but on Sunday I ended up bingeing after my family problems got worse. I hated myself for it. I hate that I use food as a means of control. I hate that I can't go out to eat with friends without constantly adding calories in my head. I hate that this has taken over my life. I hate the girl I see in the mirror and I hate that I can't see what others see in me. When I went to class on Monday, two of the girls told me that they were talking about me over the weekend and how I was "goals." Not just the way I look, but me as a person. I was blown away. I wanted to switch places with them just to see how others see me. So I can see myself for who I am. It kind of broke my heart a little because I've worked so hard to be this person and I can't even see it or appreciate it. I was trying to eat more, to heal so I can finally see myself. But every time I choose food, I pick the lowest calorie thing I can find and I've only managed to eat between 200-500 calories. I know I should be proud because it's a step forward, but I just keep seeing myself as a failure. I just want to heal. I want to stop hating myself and start giving myself the love I deserve.
You are so brave for coming on here and sharing your feelings. And you should be so proud because your level of awareness is so strong. You realize that something isn't right and you want to do something about it, and that is lovely.
I think everyone in this community needs a little more self-love. However, if maybe you don't feel ready for self-"love" quite yet, you could try self-acceptance. For example, maybe you look in the mirror, or look at yourself from an outside perspective and say, "I accept myself for who I am right now. I may not necessarily "like" where I'm at, but I accept that I am here and that I'm trying my best to work towards my goals."
And I agree with your friends, that you are a kind person. You always comment the nicest things on posts.
I wish you the best of luck moving forward. I'm here if you ever need anyone to talk to. Keep up the amazing work, I'll keep you in my prayers. Sending you love and hugs!