I have experienced all of the above, and I'm very sorry to hear you're going through this right now. Do you see a therapist, or have close friends or family that you share your struggle with? I am 31 now and have struggled with eating disorders since I was 13. I think the sooner you really truly address the problem, the less likely you are to continue relapsing like I have. You deserve to be happy and FREE, without ED thoughts tormenting you. Please feel free to talk to me anytime you need a friend.

Well I'm much older than you but I feel the same way often. I am currently up on my weight and I don't like it, but I think it's finally sinking in that I need to worry about being healthy not necessarily skinny. I think it takes time for that sink in as I gain. Part of me really gets worried, like anxious about getting "fat" but another part of me realizes that gaining 10-15 lbs will not be "fat." But yes, I experience the not wanting to get bigger, I swear I feel myself getting bigger and it scares, depresses and freaks me out. But I bet your like me, and 10-15 lbs would in no way make you fat. So remember that. Good luck!

I too understand and feel like you do and I am 58. I have slipped recently and lost whenni couldn't afford to and I was content when I was 10 pounds heavier, why I am having trouble regaining I don't know but I am trying as I don't want to end up IP. I urge you to seek nsomeone to talk to, a teacher you trust, your parents maybe, someone, it is nearly impossible to do on your own and it takes awhile to unearth the real problem underneath the ED. you want to be healthy and that is a great step, you want to keep doing track, if you don't get some help you may not be able to do it anymore. many hugs and keep posting

I can relate to your feelings and actions. When I was 16 I was pretty much in the same place. The need to stay in control led to other types of eating disorders in my twenties and basically all my youth was sacrificed to the obsession of weight control.

Recovery is both a mental and a physical process and its hard to keep the two in balance. Recovery also takes time but unfortunately you cant wait undernourished for the mental aspect to progress since the more undernourished and underweight you are the more your mental progress will be undermined. By mental progress Im not talking about intelligence. Im sure you are smart and talented. Im talking more about being able to accept yourself at a healthy weight where you dont have to be slave to weight, food and eating obsessions.

Please keep eating and if you feel you want to set yourself weight limits make them negative ones: My weight must not drop below X lb/kg. Once you get used to that weight and put on a pound that can then become your new minimum target.

Your sports make a lot of nutritional demands on your body. Do make sure you have recovery drinks or snacks and look after your skeletal health with calcium, magnesium and vitamin D. Best Wishes!

I totally can relate fore sure

this means that you are not ready to let go of your eating disorder because you are using it for comfort and relying on it to feel better.

but that is the part of eating disorders that are the most deadly...your eating disorder wants you to feed its thoughts and continue with behaviors

but

if you can get to the point where you can look past that and understand why you have your eating disrorder you can start to get healthier thoughts and work towards recovery

So many great comments on this thread but I really have to echo what CeeCee4 said. EDs are a coping mechanism. You have to find an alternative way to deal with your inner issues (depression, anxiety, fear, etc) otherwise you will always struggle with eating disorders. Trust me, as a 30+ year veteran of disordered eating, I get it, as does everyone on this board. You are not alone!!!
HUGS and welcome...
Jen

Thanks all you guys. It kinda feels good to know I'm not alone in this. I want to get ride of this eating disorder so bad, I hate that it has already controlled most of my child and teenage years. I first developed it in 6th grade (11 years old) and now I am in 10th. So it is kind of hard to let go. Do any of you have strategies to letting go?

I wish I knew the magic answer, I do know that it is a lot of hard work, and therapy to get through the underlying issues and learn how to deal with them in a healthier manner. I strongly feel this cant be done alone. you sound very eager to be rid of ED and willing to try what you can, please seek out a trusted person who will not judge you, if your parents will be helpful maybe they would set you up with a therapist. just wanting to get better and acknowledging what ED is doing is a huge first step! I take each day as a new day and try and eat more and fight the thoughts that go along with it. every victory is one more step.

I too agree with everybody elses input and CeeCee and Forest Freek also put into words what I believe about eating disorders. I suspect everyone who suffers with eating disorders is in some way deeply unhappy and/or fearful and a lot of us suffer from depression. It is possible to be unaware of your own unhappiness, fear or depression, especially if theyve been brewing in the background throughout your childhood and seems like a normal part of your character. Looking back when youre older its easier to have a broader perspective of the various factors that have contributed to your eating disorder. Still - its not something you can hang around with waiting to grow older and youre right to be reaching out for solutions right now.

Now that Im older Ive come to realise that fear was a huge part of my childhood. Then I started wanting to take control of my body and my fear of becoming fat was immense. After many difficult years I am living proof that its possible to overcome the fears, eat without weighing and counting calories and NOT become fat.

At your age I wouldt have even wanted any help - I was so set on staying slim and actually back then in my neck of the woods eating disorders weret really known about. Its great that a lot more is know about eating disorders and you can access so much more information. Its really positive that you have the will to overcome this disorder. Still youll need help in using the information to your own advantage. Are you in treatment? Do you have a therapist or psych nurse who can help you discuss your inner life? Of course professionals are people too and something things dont seem to click and its usual that individual sessions dont always seem useful or relevant. Still some issues that come up may be relevant and/or they may seem relevant later.
Dont give up on life outside your eating disorder. Try to find activities you enjoy that are not related to food and eating and are not all strenuous exercise.

What helped me was loosing my baby. I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks and I was totally engaged in my eating disorder. Right then and there I knew I had to make a choice. I knew that if I wanted to live my life and be alive when I am old and have children and get married and have a career and live my life I need to let go of my eating disorder. I found this website years ago. I was 23 and I am now 32. The refeeding process was awful I look like I was three months pregnant because my body wasn't used to processing food. It took 6 months for my body to find homeostasis. But when it did, all said and done with healthy eating, I literally only gained 5 pounds. All that purging restricting diet pills vomiting starving suffering for 5 lousy ass pounds. I felt silly. But getting pregnant again is what truelyrics helped seeing my belly get bug accepting it and after birth seeing it go way down I felt fixed my body dismorphia I'm not saying go out and get pregnant but you have to realize that you want your life back more than you want to engage in your eating disorder. It doesn't happen over night I'm still struggling time to.time like right now but never like I was before

You are not alone!! I've experienced everything that you've said and everyone else. I still struggle but it's purging and restricting. I have the same thoughts about weight and eating. It is a coping mechanism to avoid dealing with other things that are painful or stressful. In my experience, talking with others who have the disorder, therapy, and meds (for me) have helped. This disorder is nasty and takes time to recover from and I'm constantly working on it. Everyone goes through phases with it and it's a process. We have each other though and this is a great support group. Post as much as you can reach out to any of us.

Hey Brittani

I too have experienced all the lows and highs you talk about. This space is very familiar to me when I was extremely anorexic (in teens and early 20s). I found it's a road to "no where" in that it can easily become a see-saw of up then down, eat then starve, and the insanity continues. You can with the appropriate support break out of this cycle but it needs to be when you are ready, i.e. when you are SO tired of doing the same thing and getting the same result I guess. The choice for me was mental/emotional stability and sanity versus the craziness of the EDs. Living a life outside of the above is possible but it's a person choice which no-one can force upon one. When you are ready, your recovery is possible. Take care, Kim x

I'm in a similar boat but I fighting aganist bulimia. I don't know if I want to get better. I know I don't want to stay in this sta but at the same time I don't see a way out of it. I'm talking to my therapist a little bit about what's been going on with my ED so maybe you couuld try talking to your thrapist.