Hello all....

i am new to this group,and although it is always really hard for me to reach out i am trying to here.

i am going to be 45 this year.My eating has been disordered since i was 11 years old.

i developed full blown anorexia in 2008.

i have been to an inpatient program 3 times,the most recent admission last March.Every time i went into treatment i ran.

i regret that now.

In March i left after 5 whole days.i just packed my bags,didn't give staff a chance to talk me out of it.

This program is CBT based and goal based,both things i find extremely difficult.i became overwhelmed.i tried to reach out to staff about it,but it did no good.i was suicidal before i went inpatient,and being that depressed there was awful.

i actually had not too much trouble with the meals and snacks.i finished everything,as scary as it was.i always felt like i had finished first,eaten too quickly,every meal felt like a binge.i felt like such a glutton.

Anyway.

Once i was back home i was determined to recover on my own,even though i know all too well from experience that it is hard,if not impossible to recover in isolation.

i actually did much better for awhile,although i was not eating perfectly,i wouldn't be hungry for dinner for example,so i wouldn't have any.i was binging.

i was putting on weight,and although it felt odd to notice my changing body,i was not all that freaked out by it.i couldn't bring myself to get rid of my scale but i was only weighing myself once a week.

Any improvement i made was soon all undone.i cannot pinpoint any trigger that set me backwards again,but it didn't take long for it to happen.

Now i am drowning in it again.Heavily restricting,binging sometimes,sleep eating,weighing myself multiple times a day,body checking.

It is getting worse day by day.

i am too old for this.i have wasted years to this.

i have an amazing therapist,and he is really trying to challenge me.He has told me that my older body can take much less abuse than when i was younger.

My healthy side wants recovery desperatley.My eating disorder wants to thrive.

i'm considering going back into the hospital if i can't turn this around as an outpatient.

i dunno.

i am so ashamed to be middle aged and living with this.

Please,to those of you who are younger than i am,i hope you all will get help,and embrace recovery.You don't want to end up being my age and still struggling.

Sorry this was so long.

Thank you for reading if you have.