You are challenging deeply engrained habit structures and thought patterns which will be wired into your brain and neural network. It will take some time and much repetition to change these patterns but it is possible. Try and sit with the fear about the swollen feet etc, it's just fluid and it will pass. It is quite normal for your body to react when you change how and what you are eating because it has gotten used to the "old way" of doing things. Easy does it. You took a huge step of courage eating the popcorn, and well done with this. But it's not surprising the ED thoughts came up to challenge this victory. Acknowledge them but if you can release it and choose to just "get back on your recovery plan way of eating" if you can.
This is how I coped with this stuff early in my recovery, I had to feel the feelings, acknowledge the fears etc and then choose as an act of my will (which I knew was strong because I'd used it to hurt myself with the ED previously...) to do the healthy, healing, self-nurturing thing of eating wisely and living in the moment, one step at a time.
Hope some of this helps you. Kim.

thank you kim for your wise words. instead of dismissing my feelings because they are difficult I do need to let them be for a bit and be rational, however no easy task. you are correct with the long ingrained thoughts, my entire life, that invade my brain. I want to be happy with self and accept myself, I am so impatient and cant yet believe it will happen. maybe I am afraid of what it takes?

Fear is normal and will arise but we can challenge it. I found asking "what is the worst that can happen, and how would I deal with it?" helps.

We can all be impatient, we want to run before we can walk I guess...

Good question you asked! Well done! "What would it take for me to recover?" Another good one might be "What do I think recovery would look like and why am I so afraid of it?" You might have a slightly warped view that recovery means being ov*rw**ght, etc which is a lie because that's not healthy either. I'm fit, slim build but walk in sanity and recovery (mostly...i.e. I still have to choose to reject the ED thoughts now and again...). I walk daily, I eat 3 sane meals, and I get to live my life in between meals. Life is no longer dominated by the obsession of extreme control, what I weigh, what I will or won't eat, etc. This is a miracle and very very much appreciated! It's been a long journey but a great one because I know myself, my story and life in a deeper, meaningful way, and have come out with a strong faith in the process (which is especially important to me on a personal level) :)

The brain re-training and learning to recognise and "catch" the stinky thoughts takes a long time, but you can do it ONE THOUGHT at a time, starting right now.

Don't be discouraged. If I can recover, so can you!

Kim x

thank you kim, I have been asked that very question, how do I see life without ED? besides the fear of gaining, I haven't really thought of what my life would be like. I don't see much change besides the fact that the fear would be gone. I don't think I will like myself any better, be less shy and reach out and do new things to meet people. maybe I cant think about that because my mind is still messed up. I used to go to therapy, I cant thin of the name of it, but it challenges your thought process like what you tal about. I had to stop because of cost, I was getting better slowly. I weighed myself last night, didn't weigh last night I was there, minor victory, was so scared and yet I weighed the same. I cant help but feel big, not fat but big and things don't fit me right on upper body. I don't understand, some clothes are tighter and I weigh less now then I did then. I think it is my lack of muscle toning, I just don't want to do it. I walk, lave yard wor and gardening and want to get a bike if I can afford it. yes, if you did it, so can I, I just need to be gentle with myself. you are aesome

I find that if I allow myself to eat anything unhealthy or "bad" that I feel guilty and huge until I compensate with ED behaviors, as I'm sure we all do with ED's. We waste far too much energy on keeping score, making sure we are "making up" for that popcorn we ate, or punishing ourselves by restricting, or purging, or whatever we feel we have to do to cope with that feeling that we, for a second, lost control of our ability to control everything that goes into our mouth. It breeds shame because we tell ourselves we failed, we lost control, and all the disgust leads to the ED voice getting louder until we once again follow the orders of ED. I want to be free from this, I want to feel ok eating popcorn, with butter once in a while. I want to stop counting calories and avoiding sweets and be able to accept my imperfections. I am exhausted from the endless abuse my mind has created to make me feel worthless. Why is this so difficult? Has anyone discovered why they fear giving up the ED so badly? Why is giving up the obsession so frightening? I know I fear weight gain, but the fear feels so much bigger than caring about the number on the scale. Sorry if I'm way off topic. I need clarity here, because rationally I know we know the ED is destructive and cruel. How do we grow to rely on it?

Huge questions eshaw. Kim mentions the patterns wired into your brain. Ive read that brain scans of obsessive-compulsive patients can actually show active neural pathways "going round and round and round". I suspect theres something at the neurological level too driving these ed behaviours. But despite the difficulty of changing these patterns they are not totally fixed for ever. The brain can adapt to taking different thought/action pathways into use. As Kim says and I too say from experience, these destructive habits can change. I guess you need to have stability and security in your life to allow yourself to relax about things like calories and to allow yourself to make sensible choices.

I agree with Kathy, these thought patterns (actually neural paths which have been laid down in the brain, and take time to "re-route" and "rewire"...) are deeply ingrained!

It's taken me decades to get to where I am now and unfortunately the ED thoughts/obsessions never completely are removed. BUT... and it's a "big but" (not a big butt - LOL!) positive change and improvement is very possible... so don't despair.

I've found researching DBT (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy) techniques has helped give me a framework for managing and challenging the obsessive ED thinking, feelings and associated actions. If anyone is interested, there are heaps of great DBT websites with lots of free resources.

No quick fixes for your brain unfortunately... but bit by bit challenging the "stinking thinking" which drives the "stinking feelings" which in turn drives the "ED behaviours and actions". Bit by bit I've found I can chip away at all the above. I accept I will never be completely free of ED thoughts BUT they don't have to control me or my life. I do have a choice.

Hope some of this helps...

Kim x