Eating Disorders Support Group

Eating disorders are marked by an obsessive need to control the intake and/or purging of food. This community is dedicated to those struggling on the road to recovery. Join to discuss your experience with others and find support. Get advice, ask questions, and meet others who are going through similar struggles.

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Learning2LiveAgain 02/12/2017

Hi there, everyone!

I'm relatively new to DS, though I was a member years ago. I decided to join again because I'm not in such a great place and I just need some support, I think. I've been bulimic for nearly 12 years now, I was recovering well but I got married in July and it's gotten progressively worse. I've never been fully able to stop purging, but I could always go a couple of weeks or even months when I was in a better place. However, I think with the stress of planning a wedding, being in school, working full time and then doing an internship all got to me and I fell back into old habits. I've been trying to pull myself out of it again, but I'm just so tired.

I'm really afraid because I've never struggled like this, not even in the beginning. I've been purging after everything I eat, and most of the time it's not a binge but just a regular meal. I just can't stand the feeling of food in my stomach and I'm not even so sure it's a matter of weight anymore. I'm more maintaining my weight than anything. My husband suspects, but I've denied it to him. I'm so embarrassed, I don't want him or my family to know. Nobody knows and I just feel so scared and alone.

I just don't understand why. I'm not unhappy, no longer depressed, yes I was stressed out but I've dealt with stress before in a healthy way. I just don't understand how I could have fallen back into this so easily and I don't know how to reach out again and get help.

sonnycamehome 02/12/2017

Welcome to the group :)

I'm glad you posted and shared what you are going through. You've done a great job in reaching out here for support!

Stress, even positive stress like planning a wedding, can be a trigger for any of us to fall back into old habits...Most of us use our ED as a coping mechanism and it sounds like that's what you are doing also. You mentioned that you have never completely stopped purging and that suggests to me that there might be some underlying issues that you might need to work on so you can fully recover. I might suggest working with a therapist to help you get through this time and also to work through some of the root issues of your ED.

Welcome to the group!

Learning2LiveAgain 02/12/2017

Hi there, Sonny! Thank you so much for responding. I do realize there are underlying issues, I've seen professionals in the past and I've been told its a control thing. I also deal with anxiety and PTSD, which makes me feel out of control so often that purging helps balance it out maybe?

I do want to find a professional again, but I don't want my family to know about this.

Thank you again so much for responding!

Maria

LuckyEmpath 02/13/2017

I am sorry you are struggling. I saw your post on another board so I know you have trauma in your past. I hope you can find a therapist to help you because you can heal your trauma and you can learn how to allow yourself to feel again instead of using the ED to cope with the feelings. So often when we have a traumatic childhood we find it is not safe to show our feelings to anyone so we keep them inside and then find ways to cope with them. This comes in the form of ED's, doing drugs, alcoholism, etc. We all manage to find ways to cope.

I personally do not like when therapists/doctors say it's a control issue. I don't believe this. Plus it puts all the blame on the person who is struggling with the ED and God knows we don't need that piled on to everything else we deal with...right? I agree with Sonny that it's a coping mechanism and if you heal the root cause you will heal the ED.

Kward 02/13/2017

It sounds like this is a good place to start. I too have similar history. I have found that I fall back into it all when I am overwhelmed with lots on my plate. I suspect its because it gives me this "false" feeling of control over something. Sometimes it helps me if I take medicine with food so that I don't want to purge the medicine. Also, thinking about how not purging gives me more control because it gives me fuel to handle my many tasks and not be so tired and overwhelmed. I hope this helps some. Hang in there, it is sometimes a matter of taking it one meal at a time.

Dancinggirl 02/13/2017

Hi welcome to the group. I am sorry you are having a hard time with this. Please keep posting and talking to us. Hugs Laya

Learning2LiveAgain 02/13/2017

Hi everyone, thank you so much for the responses!

LuckyEmpath; I do understand what you are saying about the control thing. As you said, maybe it is more of a coping mechanism. When I'm overwhelmed, purging makes me feel better. I think part of it too is that lately when I do eat, my stomach feels like it's going to explode, even if it is a little. It's painful and the only release is purging.

Kward; I've done the medicine thing as well. Another thing that used to help me was going to a public place as I never wanted to purge anywhere else, but when I got older It didn't work as well.
I will try thinking of it as fuel instead of something bad, thank you for suggesting that!

Layla; thank you so much! :)

ann54 02/14/2017

welcome and glad you shared what you are going through, a big first step. i know you dont want family to know but i feel they may likely know something is wrong just not what. have you tried talking to them before and it didnt go well? if not maybe think about talking to a family member you feel the most comfortable with. i have relapsed too and for me it si stress, anxiety and feeling out of contri=ol which led to me not feeling hungry anymore. my daughter is on my case and the dr told me i have to regain. all these things are true and i know what i should do as you do too, it is just so hard. as with my depression and anxiety i wish there was a majic pill to get rid of ED, as he truly plays terrible games. i think you are a fighter, look at all you have done and accomplished, you can fight this too!

Learning2LiveAgain 02/16/2017

Thank you so much for your kind words ann, and I'm truly sorry you are struggling as well!

My family, save my husband whom I hadn't met yet in my teenage years, knows I struggled with an eating disorder. My mom was with me through everything. Hospital visits, abnormal EKGs, fainting spells, low weights, crying fits, ect. She's just so proud of me right now and I'm frightened of letting her down.

LP0126 02/17/2017

Hi! I can completely understand the family aspect and having your parents think you've recovered and be so proud of you only to have this secret that causes so much shame and guilt. I can also understand the fear of telling your husband, as all of a sudden there is a level of accountability that is terrifying. That fear of "what am I supposed to do now if ppl are watching me" terrifies me and has kept me from full disclosures as well. Taking that step to include your husband is probably the biggest step in recovery you could do and it is a huge jump. Be patient with yourself if you're not ready for that yet. Does he know anything about your ED history? If you aren't yet ready to fully disclose the purging but think he could appreciate that you have food patterns/rules/anxieties that he has witnessed or problems restricting etc, you could start by sharing that as "enough" for him to appreciate how helpful it would be to talk w someone. I, like you, have done this intermittently for many years and recently relapsed worse than ever. Each relapse is worse and worse which truly scares me. Hope that's been helpful. It's a huge step coming on here admitting these things to us!

bluecanoe 02/20/2017

I really really relate to your post. I've been struggling with bulimia for over 10 years (I'm 29 now). I stopped binging and purging for a few years. I had two children and kept myself healthy during their first years. Now I'm back to it in full swing. I'm keeping it from my husband because I feel disgusted in myself and I'm afraid. I'm so afraid. He's the only person who knows. Not even my doctor knows.

At first it was about weight for me. Now I purge because I am afraid I will gain weight from the comfort I just consumed. I guess like you, I'm trying to maintain my weight. I feel like I'm constantly living on edge. I'm just waiting for the moment my secret slips.

You are so lucky to have a supportive family. If your mom went through all of that with you, do you think she would understand a relapse?

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