Eating Disorders Support Group

Eating disorders are marked by an obsessive need to control the intake and/or purging of food. This community is dedicated to those struggling on the road to recovery. Join to discuss your experience with others and find support. Get advice, ask questions, and meet others who are going through similar struggles.

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Fig4 07/16/2014

Hi. It's 2:30am here...I've been up since 1. I wake up very early every day (usually 2 or 3) and start my day. (and it makes for a VERY long day!).

But that's not the tired I'm talking about. I'm tired of being driven by this relentless demon that makes me restrict, restrict, and restrict even more.
On a "good" day I may eat 600 calories. I see a wonderful therapist (for my depression) and we discuss my ED. I've been keeping a food journal for her, and she's been encouraging me to try to take in 800 calories. I did manage that a couple of days and it totally freaked me out. She's been on vacation these past 2 weeks. I see her on Friday (the 18th). I've stopped keeping the journal...it was too triggering.

So here I am, restricting, eating the bare minimum, wanting to not eat at all, just live on coffee, water, cigarettes, broccoli and almond milk. I cry a lot. why does this have to be so damn hard?

ann54 07/16/2014

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time with ED, depression, lack of sleep. have you been checked out as to why you wake so early? your therapist sounds nice, she doesn't appear to want to overwhelm you but is still trying to uptake your calories. it is damn hard when you are in this high restrict mode, the fear of every bite of food is crippling. do you see anyone who specializes in eating disorders? if not I would encourage you to try, one simply can not do this alone and even with help recovery is a long hard process but I have to believe it can happen. I am finally stable in my weight but still have ed thoughts and they dominate my mind. however I am now considered "healthy" in the weight area, so it can be done. I have been in your shoes it has been over 10 years and I still have to fight it but we have to fight no matter how hard. could you try leaving out what you consider safe food so you can nibble troughout the day? it is all in baby steps and trying to see that we need to be healthy and to eat to stay alive. hugss

kathywonders 07/17/2014

Its such a long time since Ive been where you are that I (un/fortunately!) cant empathise fully. Depression is a beast, as are the possibly related sleeping problems.
I would love it if you could get out of calorie counting mode but I realise that you may have become very good at mental arithmetic and "cant" stop counting. Could you try adding "summer treats" as freebies on top of your calorie counted food. By summer treats I mean fresh peas from the pod, strawberries, cherry tomatoes - anything fresh, seasonal and tasty?
Hope your therapist can give you a boost.

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