Eating Disorders Support Group
Eating disorders are marked by an obsessive need to control the intake and/or purging of food. This community is dedicated to those struggling on the road to recovery. Join to discuss your experience with others and find support. Get advice, ask questions, and meet others who are going through similar struggles.
I am 58 and my parents are still alive and they esp. my mother has always focused on thinness as a guide to someones well being, she is now 87 and still the same.
my cousin kit went over to visit them to see how my mother is doing, she is slowly going blind, she did not have to do this, we rarely see each other. I said to my sister, they will only comment on her weight. sure enough, when ni went over last night, mom said kitty came over and my how much weight she has gained!!! I turned to her and told her to stop. I said why do you always have to mention weight, it has nothing to do with anything, kit is beautiful and how nice she came by. mother didn't get it, so I repaeated and said that saying things like that are mean and unneccesary.
then I went in to show pictures of the wedding and when I showed dad the picture of my nephew with his cousin, the first thing out was boy, she is a little hefty, look at her arms! I totally flipped and said why do you do this, so what, who cares. he was so angry with me, I said for me please stop saying those comments, he was to angry to listen they truly don't get it and never will. so judgemental, how do I handle it when it keeps coming up?
my cousin kit went over to visit them to see how my mother is doing, she is slowly going blind, she did not have to do this, we rarely see each other. I said to my sister, they will only comment on her weight. sure enough, when ni went over last night, mom said kitty came over and my how much weight she has gained!!! I turned to her and told her to stop. I said why do you always have to mention weight, it has nothing to do with anything, kit is beautiful and how nice she came by. mother didn't get it, so I repaeated and said that saying things like that are mean and unneccesary.
then I went in to show pictures of the wedding and when I showed dad the picture of my nephew with his cousin, the first thing out was boy, she is a little hefty, look at her arms! I totally flipped and said why do you do this, so what, who cares. he was so angry with me, I said for me please stop saying those comments, he was to angry to listen they truly don't get it and never will. so judgemental, how do I handle it when it keeps coming up?
I suppose you parents dont realise how much their obsession with figure and looks has caused you damage. My therapist would have wanted me to discuss with my parents the aspects of my upbringing that caused damage and problems for me later in life. I have never been able to do this though. Especially without a professional to "hold your hand" Id hesitate to advise anyone else to try and get into deep therapy-type discussion with your parents. Maybe someone else will have some other ideas about this.
Does it help at all to vent a bit here on DS? These sorts of things can hurt over and over again so you may need to vent over and over again. But thats OK here!
We cannot change anyone else, only ourselves. He may never change; my parents never did. They were always "right" and I was always wrong, imperfect, useless etc etc.... you know all the rubbish that can be spun.
But I've learnt to set healthy boundaries for myself and my relationships, little by little. To be able to finally say "You know what... I really don't appreciate that comment; it was neither helpful nor constructive..." or something similar.
Those who matter won't mind but will be challenged....
Those who mind ultimately won't matter.... they will keep doing the same thing and getting the same toxic result.
Hope some of these ramblings help.
Family issues are the hardest and the deepest wounds.
No quick fixes!