christmas just has not been the same for several years. my grandma (mom's mom) made things so beautiful on christmas eve. she had her yard all decorated and made a big dinner with everyone. christmas eve was spent opening gifts with my mom's family. christmas day was spent with my dad's side. my grandpa always hosted christmas day. on may 7, 2003-a week before her 75th birthday-my grandma succumed to a stroke. on feb. 17, of this year, we lost my grandpa.

now, christmas is just at our house with me, my parents, and my siblings. i'll see my mom tomorrow, and spend christmas day with dad. but we're not going to see other family members.

this knowledge coupled with our last minute, spur-of-the-moment trip to the mall triggered a long, involved, relapse for me last night. i went to charley's and ordered a large chicken bacon combo. i should have only eaten half of it, but i couldn't stop myself. i was having post-binge cramps before we left, but i still bought fudge and cookies. when we got home, dad broke out the cheesecake. i didn't tell dad i had binged, and ate a piece of cheesecake. after all that food, i felt absolutly disgusting. i still have some food hidden in my dresser. i'm not sure if i will admit this in a blog, because i am particularly disgusted bu my behavior. last night was horrid. i never want to feel this way ever again. i hate this! i wish my ED would just go away!