That's how I'm feeling tonight. I feel like a monster. I can't enjoy things anymore. I should be sleeping, but I'm wide awake. I'm wearing a belt around my waist locked as tight as it can go. It hurts. It's digging into my skin and it really hurts. I don't care. I'm disgusted with myself for eating at night, every night. I feel like no one can love me or accept me. No one will love me or accept me until I'm exactly what they want. And I try very hard to be what they want me to be. I feel like if you could open me up you'd find nothing there. I'd be like one of those hollow books that trendy people use to store all their crap. I'm sorry I'm 30 and single-- I was seeing someone and frankly he's been ignoring me completely for the past few weeks. So I don't honestly see us as a couple anymore. I don't judge people by their weight... I don't know who you are or what you've been though or what you're going through right now. I respect that there's no standard body. But I hate myself and want to shove pills down my throat all the fucking time. I'm supposed to be married with kids. I'm supposed to be financially stable. I'm supposed to be normal and happy and stupid like everyone else. I hate the people in my retarded town-- they're all suburban yuppies who can't imagine anything outside their pathetic little worlds of being soccer moms who can't touch anything that's not organic and all that shit. They don't understand me. I understand them insomuch as I know how they think, but I can't stand them. I'm supposed to be thin and gorgeous and married and have four kids and I'm not any of those things. I have no desire to do anything anymore. I would talk more about my eating disorder, but I think you'd all be total assholes about it. I don't know what I want out of life anymore. I just have no idea.