I know nobody will read this. But I'm typing regardless. 

I have a history with drug and alcohol abuse and even though I'm clean I've hit a new wall. The obsession with food. I can eat and eat and eat and I just can't stop. I've gained almost 50 lbs in the last few months and it's hard. Growing up food and I never got along and I always hated the scale. Eventually I was able to maintain my weight and did well for years. Until about September of last year. Literally last night I ate 4 sandwiches back to back and 20 seconds before that I had a bowl of grapes, a banana, and an ice pop. I had to force myself to go to bed because I knew if I didn't, I would eat until I was sick. I know it's not healthy, but the only thing I can think to do is punish myself anytime I notice the scale number increasing. I either starve myself or I lay in bed and binge eat greasy heaps of food. It's a mess, I'm a mess. Not sure how to wrap this up because I'm gonna read this later and be uncomfy, but that's okay. Bye! Hope everyone is staying safe!