I no its long. Its what i wrote in my journal today. I really need some help and someone to tell me that its ok and im better off than others. Thanks x x x

I really need help but i dont want it at the moment. well i do want it because i dont want to be ill all the time and want to be a bit more normal. Im certainly not underwieght, im over weight but ive lost a lot of fat recently which makes me look like i have lost weight but i really havent lost that much or enough. I no i have an ed because my eating is not normal at all. Some days i cant face eating even a crumb and others like today i ve eaten everything in sight so much so i have had 2 dinners a huge lunch and a massive breakfast and if thats not binge enough ive eaten so many sweets and chocolate. I feel so sick i wasnt hungry for any of it. Ive also drank another bottle of that fig laxative and had 12 doeses of a different type of laxative. I just want to chuck and get it all out of my system i feel so sick from all the food and od-ing big time on laxatives. Ive badly decided to buy some cheap vodka so ive been drinking that. not a huge amount but i dont mix well with any sort of alcohol! I hate food so much why do we have to eat? I bought some slimming tablets today aswel not Od on those yet but give it time!!! Im seeing my counsellor again on monday but i just dont have the energy to talk about it anymore, and she just tells me to go on a proper diet (not helpful!). seeing a Pychiatrist this week aswell for the 1st time not really sure what to expect from that. I might have to go to the doctors aswell if i keep up with all these laxatives. I feel so ill and so over full. I hate that i cant just say no and control what i eat. Im so weak why cant i just be a bit stronger. I just want there to be an end where i dont have to fight anymore. someone please help me