I am not even sure if this is the right board to post in or why I am even posting this. I guess I just need to vent. Please feel free to ignore this, especially if you are having a hard time yourself. I hate bringing other people down with my negativity. So please feel free to ignore this. I just need to get my feelings out tonight.

I have felt this emptiness feeling for the past 5 or 6 years of my life, maybe even longer. I know that isn't terribly long compared to how long some have been suffering with their disorders, but I worry I will never feel whole again. I will be 23 years old in a few months, and I have no sense of who I am, no sense of self. I do not know what I like, what I want, what I am good at. I feel so disconnected from myself. When my anxiety gets bad, mostly around people/in public, I dissociate and feel out of it, like I am not truly there (although I always know where I am, what time it is, etc). I just feel like I am only half alive and I am terrified I will always feel this way.

I feel so unloved. I have realized recently that I crave this kind of love, not a romantic love, but a motherly love. I want someone to come and take care of me and hug me and tell me they love me. I have no idea why I feel this way because my mom was wonderful growing up. She is still wonderful. but started drinking when I was about 15, and still suffers with alcoholism. But I feel I need this love, and I that is a reason I have hung onto this eating disorder for so long. I want to look visibly ill so that people will know I am suffering and come and take care of me. I wished all throughout high school that one of my teachers would "love" me in this motherly way and show concern towards me. I still wish this with my professors at school, my therapist...really anyone.

But I realize nobody can ever provide this love to me. Nobody is going to come take care of me. I also wish I knew how to make friends. I have literally no friends at all. I had two friends in high school, but we haven't talked really since graduation. And I have never been in any kind of romantic relationship. I have so much anxiety around people, yet I crave relationships with people more than anything. I feel so lonely.

Thinking of all this makes me want to bury myself in my eating disorder even more. I have been trying to fight it, trying to eat more and take better care of myself because I want a future with a husband and babies and a career. But I am afraid I will never have any of those things. They seem so far out of reach. I almost felt like I was happier when I was not eating enough and exercising. It numbed all my feelings . I know that is horrible to say, and I know staying sick is not an option for me because I want to live. I just don't want to feel like this anymore.