Ann, I'm sorry your father treated your daughter in this way. I'm glad you defended her and said what you said. He sounds self-absorbed and unaware of how hurtful his actions and words are to others.

I had a mother exactly like this; would have no "brain/mouth filter" as my dear hubby puts it. Would say whatever, whenever she felt like it. And she too was very critical of anyone carrying even a little extra weight.

It's easy to see how our own ED thinking etc sprouted in the fertile soil of their toxicity and judgment I guess.

I've found with family members/people like this you can only do what you can do, and limit the "damage" by putting boundaries around your time with them, i.e. will stay for only x-amount of time or will use my voice and challenge when necessary (in an appropriate way).

I'm so sorry that you were made to feel like you did growing up and that you were singled out by having different food served to you. That must have been so demeaning for you, and would have just made the food like even more enticing for you. Restriction never works.

I understand you feel the guilt regarding your children, but this is actually a whole family system issue. You are NOT to blame, it's obviously started way back in your family with your Dad. All you can do is change what you do now, live in truth and honesty and wellness (as much as possible) now, and with help (therapy) deal with the past.

Take care, Kim x

Your daughter is 30? What did she say to him about it or did he not say it near her? I can't imagine being given different food because of weight... That is just plain evil. I am very glad to hear you did not judge your children's weight- that is exactly what they needed growing up. As far as feeling guilty you shouldn't. You didn't cause it, however you can be there for both your children in a healthy way.

Some people will never have a clue. My father is the same way and growing up he always made comments "in fun" about me being chubby or fat. Ha ha...real funny. My dad is the kind of person that doesn't really care if he hurts someone's feelings and he is also a drunk. I can't speak to him anymore. He said too many awful things and although I know sometimes we need to accept an apology we will never get or whatever the saying is, I can't go there anymore, at lest not right now. My parents send me into trigger mode...if I don't do ED behaviors then I drink and I don't want to be like my dad. I did tell my father off when he said horrible things to me and I'm glad I did even if it was an awful situation. He needs to know that I won't take it anymore. Maybe someday i'll be on stable ground and reach out to them, but not today. Stay strong for your kids. They will be alright. (((hugs)))

thank you all so much, it is great to have so much support! my daughter wasn't there when dad said it, they always say things negative behind their backs to me, which is good, but they also don't say anything good either to them. I grew up in an alcoholic family, both, and the obsession with food and thinness was made worse by that and the verbal abuse and trauma from it all was/is horrible. through therapy I have gotten stronger and my parents have mellowed, they are 90 and 87, but still very hurtful. my dad even though he was very mean to me many times and still says hurtful mean things I have always loved, nt the case with my mother, I never felt love or loved, she is still cold. even with the nastiness I knew my dad loved me, as strange as that sounds. my daughter has finally accepted the fact that her life is going nowhere in the area of working, she has been staying at her b/f house for 4 years and has been his cook and cleaner. she has started a CNA course and home health aide. she told my parents on easter, one would think they would be excited, they have yet to mention anything to me, my mother is to self absorbed, tonight I will talk about it and ask why didn't they say anything to me. the dysfunction with food actually goes back even further, my mothers mother was very controlling about food, one must be super thin and she was as cold as a fish. so the viscious cycle goes very deep. now they are all concerned that I don't weigh enough, what a joke. when I was at my heaviest, about 300 pounds, and lost a lot, before I had kept losing, my sister told me that everyone had been worried about me that I would have a heart attack or something. even then no one could help or ask me what I was feeling, was I suffering from something. food became my comfort again after my husband was killed at age 32. I try and be different then they are, I always say I love you, which just lately I am hearing, and apologize.i do feel bad about how I parented but I can only try and be there for them. my dad thinkd my other son has a great build, which he does but he was always lean. sometimes I do not want to go over or call like I do but guilt makes me do it. I am so sorry this is long and kinda off the topic. hugs all

Hi Ann54,
I am sorry for your parents being so cold to you. I can't imagine how much worse my ED would be if I didn't have support from my mom. Even worse, if my parents focused on weight all my life. I'm really sorry. I wonder if its some sort of distraction for them rather than looking at real feelings or painful situations throughout their lives. Not that its ok, I think its terrible and hopefully you will heal from the past in time. It makes sense that you feel guilty parenting. What role models did you have? Hopefully you are able to talk openly with your children and make amends where necessary so you don't have to carry this guilt with you throughout your life. I wish you the very best.

thank you eshaw, I appreciate your inout. it is amazing how the past does affect our future until we work to change it. I have been under therapy for years, am much better, realized I wasn't wrong but the shame and fear is still there at times. my mother did have a not very good loving mom or house and I guess that is all she knew. they coped with their issues through alcohol. I am very fortunate, my children all love me and have long ago accepted why I acted the way I did due to depression etc.. I always told them I loved them, which I never heard and said I was sorry when I went crazy with punishment. the biggest change is with my daughter, she has come full circle and says I did everything I could and we are actually friends. david is very considerate with my eating dis order, no why don't you eat, it is have you tried new foods, or when we were out to dinner on easter he helped me decide on a dish that I would be comfortable with. my ED is still having in there, wont leave me, constant thoughts and some restrictive habits, esp. when I don't feel I have done enough exercise or have slept to much and have been lazy. I have a very hard tme sitting and just reading. now that spring has finally come I will be busy doing yard work which I love and burns calories. I hope one day I will find peace with myself and be able to eat what I want with no guilt. thanks again, hugss