I can relate to everything you just wrote so much. I too focus on the failure, have times where it's as though something comes over me and I binge, avoid social events, and just want to be "normal." I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have a few things that I've found helpful through my journey that may work for you too.

First off, I remind myself that there's no such thing as "normal." I've learned that even my closest friends who seem "normal" to me, are going through something difficult as well. That being said, I understand what you're saying about the facade in front of your friends. However, it may be helpful if you are able to open up to a trusted friend with what you are going through. It's always nice to have someone to hold you accountable. If not, that's totally okay! You have this community to reach out to.

Also, slip ups are bound to happen. I used to binge and tell myself "never again" and when it happened again, I was unbearably upset. But now, after a binge, I try to say "what can I learn from this experience, and how will I behave differently next time?" Because, as frustrating as it is, there very well may be a next time. And that is okay! Along with this, whenever you're feeling frustrated, it may help to do meditation. There's an app called Breathe that is helpful for this. I also found it helpful to connect with your breathing and repeat "May I be well. May I be safe and protected. May I experience joy. May I be peaceful and at ease." Lastly, I've recently found an app called Recovery Record. You can set goals, log how you feel after eating a meal, connect with other people who are going through the same thing, and develop healthy coping mechanisms. It will also send you reminders about the goals you set for yourself which is nice.

I hope at least some of these things are helpful for you on your road to recovery. Just remember you are doing so well!! You had a great week! And when you had a rough time, you reached out to others, which is so brave! Best of luck to you :) let me know if you have any questions!

Hi searchingforbalance! Firstly, thank you so much for recommending those apps. I just downloaded them and I hope they can help me!
I'm trying to be more like that with my slip ups! It's just been hard because I thought I was done with all of this. I was so happy after I recovered years ago, so when I fell back into it recently, I was really hard on myself. I just need to be able to be kinder to myself so I can work through it all. It's nice having the support of everyone on here. I've never been able to talk to anyone besides a therapist about any of this. Thank you so much for the support and kind words! *hugs*

That's amazing that you were able to recover once! The good thing is that you know you can get to that state of recovery because you've been there before.

I do know what you mean about being hard on yourself, though. Sometimes it helps to think or those negative thoughts as a whole other person. For example, you could call he or she "CJ" because it is your Critical, Judgmental self. So, whenever you notice CJ being hard on you, it might be helpful to take a step back, say something like "that's good to know, but here's what my TRUE self has to say:" and then begin a positive self talk. For example, your true self may say, "despite this one slip up, I've had a fantastic week. And when I did slip up, I reached out to people for help. Slip ups are bound to happen and I'm taking positive steps towards my recovery."

I hope this is able to help and it's not too far out there :) sending hugs your way!

Wow. I've never thought of any of it like that, but im definitely going to try it. You seem to have a lot of insight. How are you doing? Are you recovered? Working towards something? If you don't mind me asking.

I don't mind at all! I'm definitely not recovered, but I've been working with a therapist for 3 months so far in order to recover from a long battle with ed, which went back and forth between restriction and binge eating. Almost everything I've told you, I learned from her :)

She sounds like an amazing therapist! I'm so happy you found someone to help you through this and I'm praying for your continued success. :) I made an appt to see the school counselor this week, so I'm hoping that goes well. It's been tough for me to see my therapist lately because my current program of study forces me to travel a lot. I think that added extra difficulty to my recovery because there's no order to my life at the moment and things that are so easy to do when I'm home (like see my counselor) are kind of difficult when you're in a new country every few months. I'm hoping this counselor is able to help me as much as my usual one is. :) And I'm LOVING the apps you recommended! They are really keeping me focused. The breathe one is great bc it forces me to stop and just take a breathe and refocus my thoughts. Thank you again!

Aw, you are so welcome! I'm glad to help! And thank YOU for your thoughts and prayers! I'll keep you in my prayers as well, especially as you are traveling. I hope that everything goes well as you are in a new country. I can't imagine how hard that would be to get into a routine. I'm so glad you contacted your school counselor! I hope he/she is able to help you until you are able to come home and (hopefully) relax! I'm here if you ever need to talk!
Best wishes <3