Eating Disorders Support Group

Eating disorders are marked by an obsessive need to control the intake and/or purging of food. This community is dedicated to those struggling on the road to recovery. Join to discuss your experience with others and find support. Get advice, ask questions, and meet others who are going through similar struggles.

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Mental Health
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Drowning in ED (TW!!!)

mybeach
mybeach
I feel like I am completly drowning in ED. I am slipping further from the surface every day. The worst part is, it kind of feels good. Like his arms are wrapped around me, a little too tight but better than no arms at all. Does that make sense? I am losing weight and lowest ever. What I do eat is still very healthy (thanks to Orthorexia) and I still workout intensly. I think this is what fools everyone. I have extremely low body fat but most just notice the muscles. I even got a compliment at the gym about being so "ripped". ED loves this.

I am so isolated. And not eating feels so good. I have no one to talk to as I have not one friend and my family prefers not to mention my issues. Plus my dad has had some of his own health concerns and cannot take stress. My mom has too much stress with dad and her father passed away a few months ago. I can't put my problems on them.

I tried therapy but my therapist had no clue about ED and there is no one in town. The closest center is 40 miles away and they won't accept me. I already did their outpatient program and after completing that they wanted me to go to inpatient and I refused (single mom, work full time) so I was discharged. I am worse now then when I started. I know it is only going to continue to get worse. I have to get going back in the right direction but completely on my own. I am scared that I don't want it enough yet.

Am I alone even in these feelings? Can anyone out there relate? Any advice or just words of encouragment? I feel utterly ALONE! Thanks.
chelle37
chelle37
I can say that you're definitely not alone! My ED is in a good place now, but it's something I spent a lot of time struggling with in the past. Is it possible that you could seek help again at the clinic you were going to in the past? I know you said they wanted you to go inpatient, but maybe if they knew where you were at now they'd at least try and give you some support? Keep posting here whenever you need to also, there are lots here who can at least relate to your experience.
mybeach
mybeach
thanks again for your support.. No they won't accept me as I am a "liabiltiy" since I won't do the level of care they want. I have a hard time understanding that I need to go to inpatient or I get no therapy at all. But that is how it is. I have tried a few therapists in my town and they are clueless.. their strategy for anorexia is "just go out and have some ice cream". I had to give them the definition of Orthorexia as they had never heard of it. My last therapist would occassionally comment that I look good but would also look good with a few more pounds on me. UGH!
chelle37
chelle37
That's frustrating that the place for ED won't see you at all. The therapists in your community sound pretty clueless about ED. That's crazy that they'd comment on your body when they knew you had an ED! Are there goals that you have that myself and others could support you on here with? I'm not sure with your ED if you're over exercising, and not eating enough food to be healthy? I'm not really familiar with orthorexia. I had an eating disorder, nos in the past. Basically I was like a bulimic but my purging was more through over exercising. I'd really restrict calories too but not to the limit of most anorexics.
mybeach
mybeach
I work out way more than I eat. I do about 1hour 15 minutes of intense cardio every morning with 45min - 1 hour of weights at lunch 4 days per week. I have a very intense regimine. I only eat about half of what I burn but I eat a lot of protein and whole foods. Pretty much the same foods every day with some changes depending on Workout. I don't eat out and I make all my meals. I only eat all natural or organic foods and very little processed. No junk food except ice cream 2 x week in very proportioned amount and ice cream is natural/organic from whole foods. i purge this. It is the only food that I purge. My goal has been to not increase exercise and to force myself to eat what I have planned. However. lately I have been letting myself slip with the food and eating the same foods but either a little smaller portions or substituting a lower calorie version. I know that this is a slippery slope. Mentally I know it is bad for me but I feel the same. Same energy levels. I also can't gage my own body image so I think I look ok. Not sickly skinny. but with no one saying anything or anyone to get feedback from it leaves the only other voice is Ed.
chelle37
chelle37
It sounds like you have some good goals as far as not increasing exercise and eating all that you've planned to eat. If it would be helpful to message someone every day to say what your meal plan is for the day, I'd be happy to do that and be a support person. I did that for a while with someone and it helped, I'd email at the beginning of the day and then the end of the day to let her know if I'd followed it.

Have you ever tried any of the 12 step ED groups like ABA (Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous) or EDA (Eating Disorders Anonymous) or OA (Overeaters Anonymous)? I have been in OA, the name of it is misleading because it's not just for people who overeat, anyone is welcome who has issues around food/exercise. OA has been around a long time, EDA and ABA are newer. I think in smaller communities they may have OA but not the others. It's been really helpful for me, if you're open to trying a 12 step program I could tell you more about it.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Does your gym have a Nutritionist Consult that you can talk to?
deleted_user
deleted_user
You can always contact the National Eating Disorder Association. There is so much positive reinforcement there as well as referrals, help lines, forums and anything else you might need to help you get started on the road to recovery. If you are on Facebook, you can join their FB page. Recovery happens when you have a very sound support system in place and that is where you need to begin. Also, understanding your triggers is very helpful and from what you write, any mention of your body image is a huge trigger for you. These are the kind of things that an educated therapist would help you identify and then work with you on staying in awareness about your triggers and helping you develop better coping skills so that you begin to rely less and less on the ED voice and rely more on the voice of the loving adult. Try not to judge what is happening right now. Remember that ED is a form of mental illness happening in the brain, but there are many modalities to help you cope which include behavior modification, stress reduction, proper nutrition and even medication if warranted. If they offer yoga at your gym, you may want to swap out another current work-out for a yoga class which will help you learn to reduce stress which is a big trigger for anyone with ED.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Have you looked into any self-help books or work books? Even if you don't think the book will help you, you can go to a books store and look at the references and resources often listed in the back.

I read "Life Without Ed" and it got me started, but wasn't quite the book for me (binge-er). The author is a recovering anorexic with a lot of advice. There are also some tasks that she recommends to help you separate Ed from yourself.

http://www.jennischaefer.com/
mybeach
mybeach
these are all really good ideas... I searched once and found one OA group in my area but I was afraid I might now someone in the group. I work a lot with members in the community through my job and did not want my "personal" issues known.

My gym does nto have a nutritionist and I try to avoid the trainers as they feed ED with how low my body fat is and then they compliment me. Even I know it's too low and a trainer really shouldn't compliment this. I also studied nutrition pretty intensly and need one that knows more than I do :0)

I have many self help books and read a ton. I have both of Jennifer Shaefer's books. THe books all seem to be the same... ED and then recovery but the Ed is the focus and that tends to triggger me more. I wish they could focus more on the steps to revcovery but I know there is no cookie cutter approach. I also do yoga every week and I do think it does help. It's at least one hour per week that I am involved in a group activity and not isolating.

I haven't done too much with the NEDA. I have been to the site but I have never called. So maybe I need to follow up more.

You all make great suggestions and maybe I just need to go back and try them again. Just because I ran into some obstacles before, maybe things might be differnet this time. Thank you all so much for the support.. I don't feel so alone!!
deleted_user
deleted_user
I reommend that you go into either an inpatient or a residential program; you need it. When your weight is below a certain percentile, your brain cannot function properly and thus your judgement is "impaired." I have been there myself; and I didn't think that I needed any intensive treatment either. After you eat normally for a while and get your weight up, you'll realize that your thinking will change. Good luck!