Hi Ann. I'm sorry you're struggling with this right now. I don't have much advice or experience with this exact topic but I've heard from several people struggling with anorexia that it's difficult when their weight plateaus or when people stop commenting on their weight loss. Have you talked to a therapist about this? Thinking of you!

thanks anna, I am going to my therapist this morning, my general therapist and I will talk to him. I don't even know where to begin so many things going on, but this is most important I think. I have also been so tired of late, need to get the blood work done that my ED doctor wanted me to get, but haven't yet:(

Its great that you can be honest about how you feel. Its obviously a loud warning bell when you want to be noticed for being thin. I guess this "need" to be thin and to be noticed to be thin goes back a long way? I suppose a psychotherapist would ask who you need to prove yourself too with your thinness and why. Perhaps you "need" others to realise you are suffering all sorts of problems in your life right now. If this is the case you know yourself that getting thinner isnt going to make things any easier. Sorry if this kind of "shrink talk" is in some way offensive and annoying. I mean I do realise that these sorts of thought-behaviour patterns cant just be obliterated by sense and reasoning.
Leaving nuts out of your diet will certain impoverish your nutritional status. I really hope you can return to snacking on them. I eat loads of nuts and dont at least have any problem with weight gain.

thanks Kathy, you didn't offend me at all, just the opposite. you always offer valuable advice. I think some of it goes back to issues a long time ago, I want to feel loved and wanted. my shrink talked about it with me and gave me advice on how to approach those I seek love from. he said to say that I know we differ on opinion and that you mean well, but what would really help me right now is to say positive things about me, something like that. I cant see myself saying that though. I looked at nuts yesterday and the cost was so high, I am so tight on money, but I should cut back somewhere else and get them. hugsss

In the past I too had this need to be thin to be noticed. With the ED our whole self-image is so tightly tied into achieving this. It wasn't about being vain for me (although my mother always accused me cruelly of this).... it was about "being noticed" and no longer being unseen and unheard as I had been all of my life growing up.

I wanted someone to think "wow, she's too thin and she is sick!".... because I felt "broken inside and sick on the inside" - hope this makes sense. In a way, it's an external clue or cry for help when you aren't comfortable asking for help. This again comes from being ignored or minimised when you are growing up.

Hope some of this makes sense! ?

Kim.

kim, you have nailed it once again. you and I have very similar feelings and though backgrounds may differ it does all go back to growing up. people don't get that though, they say get over it, it was a long time ago, but it is inside, deep. I have come a ong way since therapy, but still have a ways to go. I want this need to feel loved and worried about to end, it is just making me feel worse. I don't like the weight I am at anymore but know if I lose any I will be underweight again, is it worth it, in my smart mind it is no, but my ED mind it is yes. I already don't have near the energy that I used to have before all the restriction, but I didn't have energy either when I was severly overweight. I just don't know

Ann :)

I've found that my energy levels in my early 50s are NOT what they were even 5 years ago, and I've had to come to terms with this. I believe it has little to do with weight or size for me, it's just the natural course of life... it's called aging (and it kind of sucks eh....).

But I've learnt recognise that I have a finite (i.e. set) amount of energy available to me to "spend" each day, like a budget if you like.

I plan my day to do my most taxing tasks earlier on when my energy is naturally higher and then plan to do less in the afternoons/evenings when my energy dips. I am definitely wired up to be a morning person!

The only way I can get my studies done for example (especially my assignments) is to rise early, when my energy is higher and the world is less frenetic, and crack in then. If I leave it until later in the day, my focus wanes...

I can closely relate to the ambivalence about wanting to be free from the kind of "victim mentality" that comes with one's ED... you want to be noticed and for people to take care of you, BUT at the same time you want to be well and normal and whole.

For me, it was a choice. I had to be willing to let go of the need to "tightly control" every aspect of my being, relax into my life, and find the love and affirmation I craved in healthy ways. Does this make sense? This DID NOT happen overnight. Little by little, I was able to recognise and challenge these stinky thoughts and make a goal each day to choose a positive, life-giving choice, e.g. doing a task well and feeling self-satisfied with myself, encouraging myself verbally for example like with words such as "Wow, Kim, you did a great job on that!" It sounds "prideful" or weird; it is not intended to be. What it does though is teaches you to be your own encourager! For so long with the ED we are our worst enemy and critic!! The only way to change this is to change the self-talk and you need to do it out-loud until your brain gets it. This takes repetition and lots of diligence but is attainable.

Kim x

I too am a early morning person, do a lot in the morning and by 3 im pooped. I actually take a nap each day if I can and that contributes to the feeling of laziness and then I make myself be busy and always doing something until I
"allow" myself to sit. crazy crap.
I will have to try the positive self talk, and it sure will feel strange and it will likely take awhile to sink in. you are right I have to believe in myself first. maybe that is why I have failed at doing job applications.
have to get out of ED, struggled last night. hugss