Eating Disorders Support Group
Eating disorders are marked by an obsessive need to control the intake and/or purging of food. This community is dedicated to those struggling on the road to recovery. Join to discuss your experience with others and find support. Get advice, ask questions, and meet others who are going through similar struggles.
When I was fourteen I became bulimic and for the last seven years it's been an off and on battle. For most of those seven years I only made myself sick once in a while, mostly keeping it under control. For a year now I've been making myself sick everyday. It's gotten to the point where if I eat anything either I'm still hungry or sick to my stomach and will puke even if I don't make myself.
I've learned if I eat slower and take more time at meals I don't feel so sick after I eat but in the end I still go and throw up. I've gotten to the point now where it's just habit and the process doesn't gross me out anymore. Even though I make myself sick one to four times a day I don't seem to have lost much wight at all. Sometimes I even gain more wight (I check on a scale).
I feel I'm in this position where I don't feel like it's doing any damage to myself, when I know it really is. I'm scared my room mates, family, friends, and girlfriend notice that I always go to the bathroom after I eat. I've tried to hide it by waiting and not going right away after eating, or even going during the meal but I feel like they all know.
I also feel bad when others buy me food and then I just go throw it up. It feels like I'm just throwing money down the toilet. Sometimes I wonder why I eat at all because I'm pretty much throwing away everything I buy by being bulimic. This whole not caring though about not taking care of my body does worry me. I do go see a therapist, and she knows about my past eating disorder. I've debated on telling her it has come back in full swing, but I just got off my medication for depression and I don't have to see a psychiatrist anymore, which I'm happy about. I feel if I say I have an eating disorder again they will put me back on med or something. Maybe even worse, put me in a psych-ward. I was in one almost four years ago for other reasons and I'm terrified of being locked up again.
I'm just so confused and alone because I don't know anyone else right now who would understand and not tell anyone else. I know in the end I'll have to stop but I don't know if I'm ready for that. Sorry I ranted a bit. I do know I need help.
I've learned if I eat slower and take more time at meals I don't feel so sick after I eat but in the end I still go and throw up. I've gotten to the point now where it's just habit and the process doesn't gross me out anymore. Even though I make myself sick one to four times a day I don't seem to have lost much wight at all. Sometimes I even gain more wight (I check on a scale).
I feel I'm in this position where I don't feel like it's doing any damage to myself, when I know it really is. I'm scared my room mates, family, friends, and girlfriend notice that I always go to the bathroom after I eat. I've tried to hide it by waiting and not going right away after eating, or even going during the meal but I feel like they all know.
I also feel bad when others buy me food and then I just go throw it up. It feels like I'm just throwing money down the toilet. Sometimes I wonder why I eat at all because I'm pretty much throwing away everything I buy by being bulimic. This whole not caring though about not taking care of my body does worry me. I do go see a therapist, and she knows about my past eating disorder. I've debated on telling her it has come back in full swing, but I just got off my medication for depression and I don't have to see a psychiatrist anymore, which I'm happy about. I feel if I say I have an eating disorder again they will put me back on med or something. Maybe even worse, put me in a psych-ward. I was in one almost four years ago for other reasons and I'm terrified of being locked up again.
I'm just so confused and alone because I don't know anyone else right now who would understand and not tell anyone else. I know in the end I'll have to stop but I don't know if I'm ready for that. Sorry I ranted a bit. I do know I need help.
libbylaz4
Well, I feel it is great that you at least have your therapist. She/he is not there to judge you but to help you find some strategies in coping with the ED. I feel it would benefit you much more by being totally honest and getting it off your chest to a neutral and safe person ( hopefully that is your therapist) After you have admitted that things are getting out of control then the therapist can help you make a plan. As you have stated in your post you know that your health is of utmost importance. If you can gain some control now, it may prevent things getting more out of control later. Don't focus on the weight if you can help it. As you know, this is not about weight but about emotions. Is anything triggering you at the moment? Can you make a list of everything that is bothering you? Can you look at the list and try to make a plan of how to start addressing some of the underlying causes that might be causing you stress? All you can do is do your best. I feel that you can turn this around because I am sure that you want to. Can you see a nutritionist? Do you think that might help? Are there any foods that you can manage to keep down? Do you have a support system? Today is a new day. You may be able to even make a small change today, like trying to eat a non triggering food in an amount that wont make you want to go and purge. Easier said than done. I feel you should confide in your therapist. Separate all your issues so that you don't feel overwhelmed by them. Try to make a plan for yourself. I believe in you. I know you can get this this under control. Use the board. There are many people here that can help you. And everyone here cares about each other. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. and you can always message me. xxx
ann54
I can understand your fear of not wanting the pshcy ward but I don't think your therapist would do that if you were totally up front with her about what has been going on. we all need someone to talk to who is a neutral party and only wants you to get well and healthy. you are aware that this is likely doing damage to your body, though denial can be a very strong factor. I hope you talk to your therapist and use the board, do you journal? I find it has helped me a lot. hugs
valgal18
i'm sorry that you're struggling......i understand your fear of being out in the hospital on the pysch. ward or going back on meds.....but those things are for safety reasons......meds. help us manage things and the psych. ward will be different now that you're an adult....it's scary, but i thikn you should tell your therapist....express your concerns.....it sounds like your eating disorder is taking control of your life and like it's out of control.....i think you need help and you know that.....you're damaging your body when you do this and it's very scary when you find out what you do......when i went inpatient in april for my eating disorder the thing that freaked me out the most was that my EKG was off.....the beats that my heart made were too far apart......then i realized that i was truly hurting my body and in serious danger......i'm telling you this b/c i want to show you how bad it is for us to do these things to our body........a few months after i was diagnosed with EDNOS i wrote 2 letters to my eating disorder.....one telling it to go away and the other telling it to stay.....it helped me....maybe it could help you....hope this helped...if you wanna talk, i'm here
sarasota34233
I am so glad that you were able to open up here...I hope that you will consider opening up to your therapist. I agree with Libby, Ann and Val...your therapist would want to know and is there to help you. Your health could really be at risk, especially since the behaviors have escalated. We all know that eating disorders have nothing to do with the food...you say you don't know why you bother to eat because it's just like flushing money down the toilet and that you don't like eating other people's food...well, it's not about the food...it's about the emotions...the feelings...that's what you need to look at. For me, it's about never feeling good enough...never feeling like I can measure up, no matter how many degrees I get, or what I accomplish, or what I achieve...it never feels like enough. My ED is something I feel like I am good at. Do you know what is driving your behaviors? I am so glad that you are reaching out for help...what a great step!
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