A guy offered to pay for my Diet Coke the other day, a guy I'd never met... Another guy held the door open for me... Neither would have done those things when I was 240 lbs. I know it. I hate hate hate this obnoxious double standard that people feel justified in having. I just met a fantastic guy with whom I have SO MUCH in common, not our upbringing exactly but most definitely a lot of our views. But can I trust him? Would he have been as excited by me before as he seems to be now? I don't know, and I can't trust him for that reason. So today I'm wearing a top that doesn't flatter my body AT ALL (I feel hideous in it) and when we meet this afternoon I'm going to see his reaction. I need to know this and I'm not going to ask him yet because he may lie and say yes, when I know for certain that's not necessarily true. I purged yesterday before work, I hate it but I feel I can't trust anyone anymore. I know people here will think this is awful, but it almost makes me wish I knew who the hell I was like I did before when I was obese. Because when I lost all that weight and everyone-- doctors, the laypeople, my friends-- began treating me differently, it fucked me up in ways that no one here seemed to understand. And I lost my sense of self completely. I'm not blaming others for my ED, that was here long before. But I am blaming them for making it so much worse that it has been in a long time. I can't trust people, and I'm reserving my judgment until this guy sees me. If his reaction is what I think it will be, we're going our separate ways. Pure and simple. You either accept me all the way or not at all. End of story.