Yesterday I had an appointment with my dietician and she decided that I've been doing well enough to basically not have me on a meal plan anymore. I was really excited at first because I had been doing more normal eating and the meal plan did hold me back at times. However, the thing is although my weight is stable now, I never reached the target range the doctors made for me. I am not at an unhealthy weight, just some under what they originally said I had to get to. I have always had a problem with the weight range they gave me, so the eating disorder part of me was really happy that I don't have to gain anymore weight. However, if I would lose any weight then they'd make me get to the target range. I'm completely paranoid about eating now because I don't trust my body. Even if I feel hungry I want to eat, but then again if it goes outside the meal plan that is engrained in my head I feel really guilty. But, I don't want to lose weight and have to get to the target range so I end up eating and just feel really horrible about myself. Since I'm loosely following the meal plan and being more flexible, for some reason in my head that translates into weight gain no matter what....I've always had this crazy notion that it will be impossible for me to maintain my weight if I eat what I want, when I want. I feel like I always have to watch myself and stay in control or else everything will just go downhill. I know it's irrational but the thoughts are just dominating my head right now and I can't make them go away! I have been fighting the urges to restrict and have been following a decent meal plan, but mentally I'm in such a bad place I don't want to lose it and have ed control my actions again. I want to be able to nip this in the bud, but I'm just not sure how...