*behaviors and food briefly mentioned.

hi all-blog post attempt #3...

it's been a long time since i've had a positive post,and i'm sorry for that.i don't particularly like airing all my ED-related insecurities and pitfalls. but honestly, it's really the only way i can make sense of that part of me. and since all of us are spread out now, it's just easier to monitor the security of my blog and post. it's much easier for me to write about the monster than talk about it anyway.

my title comes from the latest sermon i saw from joyce meyer.i have no idea why god chose her to get his word into my heart, but i'm SO GLAD he did. although i watch other preachers, NO ONE-including the pastors who lead the churches i went to-makes me "get it" like joyce does.

yesterday's (monday, in case facebook decides to label this wrong again...) 2-part sermon was about recognizing and appreciating your milestones. it was exactly what i needed to hear. i have spent the better part of a month in relapse because of one psychologist's evaluation of me. i let the flashbacks it caused send me into a self-destructive downward spiral that lasted 3 weeks. i let satan plant doubt in my head. i started thinking, "who will hire me now? i have too many issues to be a teacher." i even let this report from a doctor who met me ONCE make me doubt going to bethel.

that doctor had no idea that i was a good student, or that i'd start RLDH (www.facebook.com/STOPTHEEPIDEMICRLDH) less than a year after leaving her office. she had no idea that i placed 2nd in my district in the vocal solo catagory at issma when i was 18. she didn't know that i had published my poems in the school paper. or that i had the reading skills of a college graduate by my junior year of high school. she had no clue that god had already begun allowing me to teach. (it was a small group of girls in choir who were having problems reading music. they were my friends. by the 2nd semester, i had to get to class 10 minutes early,so i could help them. i knew god wanted me to be a teacher when they started getting A's on quizzes.)

all she was focused on was looking at me and my life through a magnifying glass and finding all the bad stuff. granted, she was only doing what was asked of her. the whole point of voc rehab having clients tested is to see if they are capable of going to school and working. some good did come out of it. i finally figured out that all those F's in math weren't my fault. i have a math learning disability. (it would've been nice to know that like 10 years ago, but that's not my point.) my point it i took the whole thing WAY too far.

god taught me a lot yesterday. he taught me that small steps count. he taught me that he is proud of me each time i resist my eating disorder-EVEN IF I STRUGGLE IN DOING SO. he taught me that the very fact that i recognize my eating disorder means i have grown spiritually. he taught me that i should be proud of each little stepping stone of my recovery. when i was taking notes yesterday, i wrote, "i haven't beat my ED, but i ate breakfast and lunch today. i have not binged since may 12th. that's growth. two years ago, i didn't even know i had a problem."

i used to celebrate all my progress. when you have a disability, you kind of have to. the alternetive is to be sad all the time. i finally figured out how to dress myself independently when i was 8. it took me a half hour, but mom and i didn't care. when i was 11, i figured out how to get into a car by myself, and i cried. at 14, i was able to stand long enough to my own laundry, and i squealed like i had won the lottery.

but somewhere in the midst of dealing with my ED, i have lost that spirit of celebration. somewhere along the way, it was replaced by beating myself up each time i fell down. in the beginning of my recovery, i counted my binge and starve-free days. at first, i was like "yay! i made it a week!" but it soon became a source of stress in my life. i started thinking, "i HAVE to make it 3 weeks!" when i didn't, i'd feel horrible. it ended up making relapses 10x's worse than they were before i started keeping track. now, i pay attention, but i'm not as rigid about it. every week or so i'll make a mental note.and more than once, i've had to come here and check the dates on my blogs to see how long it had been. i have a little over a week before i hit A MONTH of not bingeing. god gave me the idea of giving myself a reward system yesterday. i like it. there's a GORGEOUS purse at the mall i've had my eye on... :)

i encourage all of you (especially those of you who have an ED) to ask yourselves what you did RIGHT today. today, i ate all three meals. today, i was triggered in barnes and noble, but resisted the urge to beeline it to the godiva cheesecake in the cafe. today, i found and ordered a new recovery bracelet. (http://www.englishgeoff.com/Bracelets/Bracelet_Offer.html i picked the footprints one.) i posted 5 operation beautiful notes in the mall today. what have you done right? what have you done to make god proud of you today?

speaking of celebrating your progress... it took her 6 rounds of IVF, but celine dion is 3 1/2 months pregnant...WITH TWINS!! :D i'm so excited for the family!

and bryan is in MO at basic training. pray for him please. if all goes well, he'll graduate the first week of august. CONGRATS BRYAN!!!!-fallon