Sorry you are in pain. Gaining weight is scary for us when we are recovering because you are not just recovering and changing physically, but there is also a huge mental/emotional shift happening. I have found it's common for there is be a huge degree of ambivalence, in that you want to get well and be sane, but you also want to maintain control.

For me personally I've learnt over the past 34 years of battling EDs and now walking in recovery (pretty much) that it takes a long time for your mind and your way of thinking about your body, size, life etc to change. It's about baby steps baby steps :)

Go gently on yourself, i.e. please try to be kind to yourself today. Admitting honestly how you feel is great, then try to take one step forward in your approach to your day with life and food etc that is life-giving and affirming, and not perpetuating the cycle of starvation and "slow death" that EDs bring.

Hope some of this resonates with you. Take care, Kim x

I am not sure I have any words of comfort for you but I'm feeing the same way. I'll be watching this discussion for words of wisdom but it is so very hard. I want to be thin again very bad. Very bad. It was all I had and now it's gone...everything is gone.

Everything is not gone -- you are not defined by your weight. You have other talents and passions.

That being said, the reason I have not sought help is due to my own fear of gaining weight. I fear that I will "lose control" and gain more than I would like (which... ranges from not wanting to gain any weight to wanting to get to a low/normal range....it's such a struggle!!!!). I am trying so hard to keep food down as a first step, and then eventually I will start to add more calories -- but every day is such a battle. Now that I know my liver enzymes are elevated I am trying harder (past 24 hours) - e.g., becoming active on this board and kept more of my food down today...

We need to find other hobbies from this obsession (or return to ones perhaps we have lost) and remind ourselves of our passions. I realize I am but a ghost of the person I used to be -- often because I am lost in thoughts about food and ED behaviors.

For me, I have distanced myself more than I would like from friends due to my behaviors, when really, that is exactly what we need. We need laughter and joy and not thinking that our weight is all we have.

I agree with Kim, since beginning recovery I have been ambivalent. Wanting to stop hurting people in my life, but really not willing to gain what was required or give up the control the ED gives me. It is REALLY hard. Weight gain was really hard, I too gained weight fast, in a hospital and it feels totally out of control having a tube down your throat. I don't want to ever experience that again, but a part of me wants to be that thin again. I understand the pain you're going through. The eating will get easier if you commit to being healthy. I am still struggling but I'm at a healthy weight. I've found its really hard to do alone. If you have support I recommend doing what you need to do to get better and trust that they won't make you fat. I had a hard time trusting that process. I hope its easier for you. It helps to have a dietitian who can monitor your weight and assure you that you're doing ok and not over-eating. Helped me anyhow. Good luck. I hope you keep going and keep sharing.

it is so hard emotionally to have to gain weight back and to feel okay about it,your body feels different but it will pass if you kepp focusing on living and going back to who you were before ED. I have struggled it seems for years, lost huge amount of weight very fast was comfortable at one weight then wasn't and would restrict again. I finally got to a weight, low but stable that I could live with then I had major surgery and lost a lot of weight. the dr. said I had to gain it back or IP I would go. it was such a struggle, but slowly I did it. you can win this battle, baby steps and giving yourself pats on the back for each step forward. we need positive affirmations to keep going, por]st some all over and read them. best of luck