Hello Shaunie, welcome to the group. I think many of us here can understand that feeling of not really knowing if we want to recover or not. An ED has a way of providing comfort when no other comfort exists and, as you say, it can be a distraction when life gets difficult. I am much older than you and felt just as you do for many many years. Having survived all my suicidal thoughts and trials I can honestly say that I am happy that I am alive today.

Although I understand how you are feeling I don't support suicide for anyone. Life can be hard but please don't give up. If therapy before did not help then please try again with another therapist. I am guessing you are older now than when you tried to heal before and with age does come wisdom. Perhaps now you are ready to heal more than you think you are. After all, you came here and that is a great first step to healing. Please consider therapy again. You can heal an ED and you deserve to heal. Also, if you have any trauma in your past I would urge you to heal that as well because the trauma and the ED are probably intertwined. ((Hugs))

Hey, Thank you!
My therapist told me i was seekig attention because he knew being neglected from my parents and he knew very vaguely about sexual abuse and he told me i was seeking attention i never got because i never got it from my parents and was groomed by someone i was with and said its to get proper attention. And made out like i could stop at any time and like my cure was loads of attention.:( So therapy always upset me cause he made out like i had all this control and never listened to me

Hey Shaunie ☺ it's hard to give up an ED mainly because it becomes our only coping mechanism. I think you've made some very perceptive observations in your posts; this is only a thought, but have you ever tried group therapy? One-on-one therapy always had mixed results for me, but I found group therapy with others dealing with ED's to be really helpful, mainly because these people actually knew what I was goung through, as opposed to our counselor, who adnitted she only had a textbook knowledge. It's just an idea ☺ all my best to you, please stay with us and do what is right and healthy for you!

Thank you!:)

I'm sorry you had such a bad experience with that therapist. He really should have explained it better and definitely should not have said it in a way that implied you actually had control. It also sounds like you got the message from him that it was bad that you wanted attention. I always got that message in life too.

When we come into this life we need a lot of care and attention - attention that our parents should give to us. In the absence of attention a child will seek attention, even negative attention, in any way they can. A child will have temper tantrums, bully kids at school and act out just to get a little attention. I was basically ignored in my childhood home and willingly went to a neighbors house to be sexually, physically and emotionally abused just to get some attention. Children will do whatever is necessary to get attention. We are not wrong to want attention.

When you work on healing your past you learn (providing you have a good therapist) how to give yourself attention instead of asking for it from others. You see, since we didn't get good attention as children, we grow up still looking for that attention from others. We are still looking for our parents to give us the attention, the good attention, they failed to give us as children. In therapy you not only process all the old feelings of hurt, betrayal, anger, etc. you also learn how to comfort yourself through those feelings. It's in learning how to comfort yourself that you switch from looking for attention from others to getting attention from yourself. But it does take time to work through all those old emotions. And for me, I had to get through A LOT of anger at my parents for not giving me attention, before I could accept that I was responsible for giving myself attention. I was really very bitter.

The ED is how you cope with all those old feelings. If you heal all those old feelings and learn how to express them safely, you won't need the ED. I don't know if you are ready to approach your healing again but I hope you are ready soon because you really do deserve to heal your past and move on into a future that is happy and free.

Thank you very much luckyempath. That makes a lot of sense and better than how my therapist explained. So is possible i use for attention or? But not just for attention and ways to cope? Or both for attention and ways to cope? Cause tbh i do questionn if it is for attention but then i realise how i do not want it at all and cant stop just like that. And i cant remeber a time thinking to myself of ways to get attention and having anorexia or an illness would be a way but maybe i did it without thinking. Im not sure
Cause my therpaist did say at one point " i have not meant another patient who went out looking to have anorexia" when i do nothing out of the ordarnary just cause im just a shy person and thought was the only way to get attention

Wow. That therapist was terrible! I am so sorry that you had a therapist who, IMO, was absolutely clueless!

It's my opinion that anorexia is not something we do to get attention. Binging is not something we do to get attention. We have an ED because we have no other way of coping with our emotions and this is because, as children, the adults in our lives failed us miserably (yes I'm still a bit bitter about this fact). This is the same for people who use drugs and drink alcohol - which are more widely accepted as mental illness than ED's are. Each of these coping mechanisms is us trying to numb ourselves from emotional pain and turmoil. A good therapist would understand this and would help you heal that pain rather than add to it.

Are you trying to get attention? Attention that you didn't get as a child? In the words of my therapist "Yes! Of course you are!" but that doesn't mean you developed an ED to get that attention. Goodness, we all want attention. Even your old terrible therapist, who I suspect didn't get much attention as a child either, wants attention. It's human nature and there is nothing wrong with wanting attention. What a good therapist will help you with is learning how to give yourself that attention rather than always getting hurt because others won't give the attention to you. I'm telling ya, I would have some choice words for that therapist you had.

Shaunie, I was also anorexic and with being anorexic comes thoughts of "I don't deserve to be alive" and "everyone would be better off if I were dead". Those are terrible thoughts for anyone, especially a child, to have. A caring, supportive therapist will understand these deeply rooted thoughts and will help you see that you are a wonderful person who deserves to be loved. Someone who deserves compassion. Someone who deserved to be paid attention to. Someone who deserves to live. You deserve all these things and more. ((Hugs))