Please Eshaw, dont take the laxatives. I used to feel I needed to be empty too and hated the feeling of having food inside me. If your eating is mixed up and youre emptying your intestines it will be challenging to have any sort of satisfied feeling and the food is likely to make you feel bloated and bulging. Ive been there but Ive also gotten past it.

It is possible for your body to heal (although many of us remain sensitive to certain foods) and to be able to have food inside us without feeling stuffed and bulging. Id so much like for you to be able to feel that way too.

Im sure you know that the lower weight achieved by using laxatives is a sign you are dehydrated and your electrolytes are out of balance. Please keep eating, small amounts regularly. I used to have problems especially with high fibre foods. They tend to make you feel too full.

And I do hope you will find another counsellor or therapist who can help you work through your body issues and find peace.
Kathy xx

eshaw, please don't take the laxatives, it will only make you feel worse and on top get sick. I know the temptation to do something, anything to make you feel better but rfestricting and then the laxztives truly don't help, just the opposite, it is that darn ED voice telling you it will. I don't want you to disappear, but I know the feeling, I have had it so many times. I still struggle with ed thoughts about food, what and when to eat and the fear, but I am at a weight in my range now so it is possible to do it, just so hard. I urge you to seek another counselor who knows how to help you. I didn't write this very well but I care and want you happy.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I know you're aware of what will happen if you take the laxatives, so I won't tell you not to, but I would ask that you don't do that. I know it's hard to eat when it makes you feel sick, but it's necessary to get better. It will take time to get used to, but if you ride through the tough times, eat a little at a time, I think you'll feel better. Of course I say this when I'm struggling with some of the same issues, but from past bouts w/ ED in my life, I know that things will get better we both give it a chance to. Please be extra nice to yourself today.

Hi all. I appreciate your concern. My quiet healthy voice re-read this today and realized how stupid I'm being, especially for talking about it so bluntly, when it is not supportive to anyone including myself. I'm well aware of at least some of the consequences. Yet my ED is so strong right now. I feel like I have to do whatever it takes to get my weight down. Like you said Kathy, I can't tolerate feeling food inside me. How did you get use to it? If I eat more than a handful of something I feel bloated and uncomfortable. I feel totally ambivalent. I try not eating entirely, but then I have a bad day where I give in to the hunger followed by more days of restricting to get the fullness out of me. My brain is filled with lies! Like-if I take the laxatives on occasion I'll be able to eat a little every day without feeling uncomfortable. And I won't take them often enough to get dependent on them. I can't believe how fast I am back into active ED. I know I can choose right now to be healthy to force myself to eat, but I'm so obsessed with denying myself nutrition. I know I haven't said anything all of you don't already know, and struggle with yourselves. I've struggled to recover for almost 3 years, gotten close, but can't seem to defeat the constant critic in my head, and the never ending ambivalence. I know I have DS and its helped me a ton. Has anyone else experienced such strong resistance/ambivalence about recovery? How did you get past it and convince yourself to choose recovery?

Its not so simple to explain how I got over the need to feel empty, but one thing for sure is that I was bitterly unhappy with my life during the phase of emptiness. It seemed everything had gone wrong and there was no way out. I maybe told myself I needed to get over the ED in order to Iive happily but it was probably truer that I need to live more happily in order to get over the ED. Recovery took, in addition to will, some major life changes such as getting out of the wrong relationship, developing a bit of self-esteem (skills and sports) and getting into a relationship that I wanted to be in. Of course there have been set-backs - relapses of depression, anxiety and even of ED-behaviours but in general things got better when I began to feel a bit more in control of my life.
Hows your life? I know you suffer from depression and that is such a sapper of life and will. I understand youve been through some tough experiences over the past few years and maybe feel youve lost control all together or youve nothing to aim for. But you never know what the future can bring. There can be surprises and they can be positive. I really hope you will find guidance back towards living life - your own life. I know - this can all seem too tough and far-fetched when youre feeling down but please dont give up. There is so much more to life than being thin. Really! ((((Hugs))))

Kathy thanks for sharing some of what helped you. I have little to no self-esteem or confidence and I have a TON of anxiety around performance. I was a great runner, until I had chronic blood clotting causing my leg to swell and hurt anytime I did any aerobic activity. I use to relieve a lot of stress/anxiety that way. Now I feel like all I can do is walk, and bike ride a little, but my daughter refuses to get on a bike so I have no one to go with. Besides running I've tried so many things, and been a complete failure at so many things. I feel like I have no skills/abilities and keeping a job with the amount of anxiety I have never lasts very long. Combined with the severe depression and social anxiety I've basically isolated myself. I have three close friends, who party and that's been my outlet on weekends but I've made some horrible decisions high or drunk and its only increased my feelings of shame and worthlessness. I love my daughter and my time with her, but I'm the last person she wants to hang out with now days. I sleep, a lot. Hiding away from the world. I have no interest in dating, though I feel alone all the time. I'm suicidal frequently and I want to fall asleep and never wake up to deal with another day. So, if I haven't hit bottom yet, I don't know what will do it. I do feel my life is totally out of control, I feel incompetent and incapable of turning things around. Everything feels terrifying and impossible. Everything but my ED I guess. I feel I do a pretty good job at that, or any other form of self-destruction. Not sure what I need to do, but not sure how many more years I can tolerate living like this. I feel like a child. Terriffied and helpless.

Sorry so negative. If you're still reading, thank you for listening. :0) You all mean a lot to me.

Its awful to feel that your life has gone out of control, has gone totally wrong and theres nothing you can do about it. Hopelessness reinforces depression and anxiety can make it feel as though its not worth living.

Its a shame you had to give up running. I hope you can enjoy cycling, even by yourself. It would be great if you had someone to go with - I suppose cycling clubs tend to be a bit hard-core?

I can tell youre a good and caring person with potential to really appreciate life. I urge you to continue to try and find a therapist who takes you seriously. Recovery is a long-term process. I hope you can get a start somewhere. Eating and avoiding laxatives is a step in the right direction. ((((hugs))))

Thank you for listening and for your support Kathy! I will continue to look for a therapist for sure. Hugs back!!!!

I am sorry I haven't been up to date in your postings and you need so much support right now. I am also struggle with the seemingly never ending cycle of wanting to recover and the nagging fear of getting out of control. we both know that nthis control is false and what is needed is a way to gain control over all our life issues. I have decided to take a new perspective on life and that is to not look at everything that needs to change and focus on 1 area then maybe I wont feel I get no where, maybe this would help you? I am eating 3 meals a day, sometimes have to force but do feel better when I do, it is hard and I hope you can find a way to try and eat bits throughout the day. the not eating feeds your depression and anxiety, I have both too. that is a shame about running, I find walking or yard work my outlet. I want to bike but have no bike. would you be willing to bike alone? there are what is called "meetups" where they have all ranges of biking levels and then you wouldn't be alone and they would be right in your area. hope you get to a counselor, hugsss

It's been almost a week since this was posted. How are you doing now? I hope you've been able to find a counselor to help you, if not, I also hope you keep looking. Sometimes good counselors are hard to find, you don't always find them right away......HUGGS!

Hi Electropro! Until yesterday I restricted most the week. Then I did well yesterday, ate small portions throughout the day. I haven't updated everyone yet so it sounds like a success, and it was until I tossed and turned and couldn't sleep because my stomach was so upset. I ended up taking pills last night and again this morning after I ate breakfast. I've been hiding in my room all day and my depression is getting bad. I haven't attempted to find a counselor yet, just sleeping away the week, trying to avoid food and life. I'm so negative, I hate it, I will try doing better tomorrow. Thanks for caring!! I hope you are doing better!! HUGS!!