Sorry that incident triggered rejection and hurt for you. We can never know why others do the things they do and sometimes these actions are very hurtful. But if you can try not to punish yourself by actively using ED behaviours any further as you know where this will ultimately take you eh.

For me personally, I had to get rid of all my worst ED weight clothes because they were too triggering for me and I knew would keep the ED alive and active. It was very very very hard I can tell you, but after a while a sense of freedom came because yes I would starve down into them (jeans or pants etc) but it was physically impossible to be well and stay that size.

Please don't give up; you are worthy of care and healing.

Kim,
Thanks! I realize I give other people way too much power and I shouldn't care what my ex-therapist thinks. I guess it just triggered me, like you said. I guess it is my love, approval and respect thinking error. As far as the thoughts about wanting to give up, I re-read and realize I sounded kind of pathetic. I have really black/white thinking too and its hard for me to live in the gray. At least I can recognize my thinking errors after the fact. It just doesn't change much. I get them 24/7 and struggle to replace them with better thinking. I agree that I'm actively choosing ED behaviors, I'm engaging in other self-destructive behaviors too. I guess its the only things I feel good at in my perfectionistic mind. I'll try to stop, I just feel totally out of control and I'm having a difficult time imagining a future. I've really created a life of isolation and fear and I'm tired of living like this but too afraid to step out of it. Thanks for listening and responding to my rant. I am grateful for you.

You may not realise it but just recognising the stinky ED thought patterns and feelings is part of getting well... little by little.
I understand "perfectionist" thinking etc but now tell myself (when I find it popping up) clear "perfect doesn't exist" except in the movies... and I live in the real world not a make believe world!
Does this make sense?

Also well done in being honest about the self-destructive behaviours. The question to ask yourself is "what purpose do these behaviours fill, or what pain am I hiding from/avoiding by using these behaviours?" This is a painfully hard one to face but a big key to getting well/healing. That's what I've found anyways.

By the way, I didn't see it as a rant. Again, you're possibly being hard on yourself. It's okay to be whatever you to be here... where else can you be honest and get real about life!

Take care, Kim x

I appreciate you taking the time to respond to me. Thank you. I know there is no such thing as perfect, I just wish I believed it. I turned down a job at my practicum site, because I don't feel competent and capable of maintaining this image and lie that I've got it together. Its so exhausting trying to pretend I feel ok, when really I want to just escape the pressure. Again, it prob goes back to feeling like I have to be flawless, especially mentally/emotionally because I "should" have a clean slate if I'm going to help other people recover from similar situations. Not sure if I'm making sense. I have a passion for social work, but I also have never healed my own battle with mental illness. It sucks. I just keep avoiding dealing with myself, focused on helping others, but my low self-confidence is apparent. I am too hard on myself. I want to be/do better and find happiness in life. I just have a huge sense of shame that makes me want to hide away until I die. Want relief from I don't even know what. Sorry if I'm confusing. Thanks for reading. Anyone feel the same at times?

I so elate to much of what you write about. I am sorry about the therapist making you feel ignored and it triggered ED thoughts. people don't have a clue as to what words or actions can do. this is true in many of lifes tragedies too, such as death of a loved one. it is hard to believe that you have taken many steps towards recovery, you recognize your thoughts as negative and not good for you, it is ED trying to stay in "control" falsely. I am still trying to get into recovery completely, I don't restrict much anymore, but have guilt feelings about what I eat if I feel I have eaten to much and not exercised enough, however the next day I don't restrict to counter balance. I am still very thin, but I have never thought of myself as thin, I say I have never been a size 0 or 2, I wear an 6 or 8. this is silly thinking as I am 58 years old and my body type wouldn't allow for such a size, but I find myself thinking that I am healthy when deep down I know I am still on the dangerous path. we are not perfect, to me only God and movies are perfect but we are human with real lives and issues. I struggle with the perfectionism at work especially. really looking inward, try jotting down things that you can think of that have lead you to wanting the false sensce of control of ED, it is very hard to do, and work on them bit by bit. I have battled many of mine through years of therapy, somedays I feel I have gotten no where then I remember how bad I was long ago. would you consider trying another therapist, this is so hard to do alone. kim is an excellent support, she has so many wise words and has helped me a lot. hugs oh and you did not rant!

Hi Ann,
Thanks for your post. I too am a 6-8 size and my frame is not small enough to fit into a size zero unless I drop 40 lbs again. Which obviously was not a healthy weight. I feel huge at size. I am afraid to get another therapist. I've had many, and only two I ever trusted and stuck it out with enough to make any positive progress. I wish I could find one that would stick with me for the long run, but I understand they have lives of their own, ever changing. I will be experiencing a lot of free time soon so I will prob find another one if my symptoms don't improve. I go from eating nearly nothing in a day to eating cookies and alcoholic drinks for meals. So many empty carbs and I feel so guilty for allowing myself to have a few cookies that I restrict the rest of the day, minus alcoholic drinks. Somehow my alcoholic brain believes these calories are worth it, go figure. I want to get back to eating healthy again. I'm not doing so great without tracking my intake and eating frequently. I guess I have to admit I was wrong, that I can't be healthy MY way. Lol. I'm very stubborn. Thanks for listening.