Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group

I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...

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Time4Kim 07/03/2015

I mentioned not long ago that I've moved back to my hometown area near St. Louis. I'm very glad to be back among my friends and some of my family. I'm also closer to my kids here. But, there's one thing I was dreading - the possibility of running into my former in-laws. I was married to my ex for 24 years, and we were together for 6 years before that. So, these people have been a part of my life for 30 years. While our relationship has historically been tenuous, my former MIL was extraordinarily kind to me when my brother died just 3 months before my ex tore apart our family. I felt as though we had turned a corner and could finally be close. Then, my world shattered, and now the family I had come to love, despite the challenges, was ripped from my life. They were kind to me after the separation. My MIL sent me a letter saying how sad she was about our split. She remembered my birthday and sent me a Christmas card and, remarkably, a Mother's Day card a year after we split. For those who may not know, my ex told me on Mother's Day 2012 that he wanted to separate and then threw me out of our home the next day right in front of our children. So, that card meant a lot to me. After that, my ex announced his engagement to the OW, and I didn't hear from my in-laws again.

I was so sad because all I had ever wanted was to be close to them. But, they never seemed to accept me for who I was, until my brother died. Go figure.

I just started a job at the courthouse in the same town where my former in-laws now live. I figured it was just a matter of time before I would run into them, and I was dreading it. Well, this past Wednesday I was with some girlfriends and pulled onto the parking lot of the local grocery store to meet up with some other friends. And, who do you think I see walking into the store? My former MIL. I was not at all prepared to see her so soon. The good news is that she didn't see me. She probably wouldn't recognize me right away, anyway. The last time she saw me I was 80 lbs. heavier. She's so thin that she truly looks like someone who survived a concentration camp. And, she was always very critical of me and anyone who was overweight. She would say disparaging things right in front of her husband and others for their weight. I was no different. But, she seemed to change after my brother died.

I was able to watch her from a distance while we waited on our other friends. I was filled with a mix of dread and also sadness. I started to cry. I wasn't prepared to see her so soon, and yet, there she was. She's more hunched over now, and that made me very sad. Part of me wanted to exit the car and go and hug her. But, I have no idea how she will react when the inevitable happens and we are face-to-face again. She did pass a message along through my daughter, not to me directly, that she was proud of me for graduating from college. That also made me cry.

My friend who was with me happens to own a restaurant in town. When I pointed out who she was, she told me she thought she had seen her and my FIL before. I showed her pictures of their faces, and she feels pretty sure they come in fairly often. So, I asked her that the next time they come in to tell them that their meal is paid for and I will pay her for the whole thing, tip and all. I guess it was my way of saying that I still care about them and also to hopefully to extend an olive branch so that when we do finally run into each other it's not as awkward or uncomfortable. When I told my own parents about this, they got upset and told me I needed to stop caring about them. Yes, it's true that they have not always been very kind to me. But, I love them still, and always will. They weren't perfect in-laws, but I wasn't perfect either. No matter what, I know I will always care about them. I just can't turn off my affection like my ex was able to. It's not how I am.

So, I was hoping for feedback on this and how you feel I handled the situation? Is it weird, inappropriate, or wrong of me to want to still be kind to my former in-laws? Am I inviting more of a problem? Or, am I bat-shit crazy for still caring about them?

Any thoughts and opinions are welcome.

refurb 07/03/2015

my FIL watched me lose weight, lose sleep, slip into despair (we were neighbors) and never said one word to me ... as in see a doctor
i never mistreated his daughter, good father to his grandkids, and not one word of basic human compassion

FML same but lives further away

i respect your desire to not be enemies but it seems that you are apologizing for nothing of your doing and since they seem to be hardhearted turdballs they will very likely misinterput your message

CowgirlKathi 07/03/2015

Unfortunately, in most cases of divorce, blood proves to be thicker than water. Fortunately (in many ways) both of the X's parents were already deceased when he suddenly took leave of our marriage. For a few weeks, I was in communication with his brother and one sister, but I guess when now-X started trotting out the OW (who he introduced as his "friend from work") they knew the score. Whatever!

During the 18 Months of Hell and beyond the only people from the X's family who stuck by me were his four girl cousins from his mother's side of the family AND one of his nieces and her husband. Coincidentally, X's sister was divorcing her husband at the same time, so brother-in-law and I became sort of "foxhole buddies" during that period. We compared a lot of notes and concluded that whatever was wrong with my X was the same thing wrong with his sister! There was some comfort in that, for sure.

I stayed in therapy through the entire 18 Months of Hell and for 6 months beyond and learned a LOT about dysfunctional families. In retrospect, X's family was NOT close, despite what they pretended. All those years of holiday gatherings had always left me rather cold -- they weren't very nice to each OTHER much less me (and I was ALWAYS "that woman he married." It didn't take me long to feel a sense of relief that I would no longer be forced to spend birthdays and holidays with such a dysfunctional bunch.

If you don't mind my saying so, I feel you may have read too much into those early-on notes and cards. Yes, I received Christmas cards from X's brother's wife that first year (he ran off in September so Christmas was just a few months later) but after that -- nothing. Sometimes people don't know exactly what to do in this situation and I'm guessing why you received what you did. But now it's time to move on.

Don't make someone a priority in your life when they treat you as an option. Chin up, girl! The world is full of millions of wonderful, loving people. You may have to do what I have done -- that being, creating a close family of friends. xoxo

trisha9054 07/03/2015

My MIL from my first marriage was very kind to me. Most of his family didn't know or like me. His brother most of all. His father didn't have much to say but his mother was kinder to me than my own. I would see her around after that divorce and she still spoke to me and I made sure she got to see her granddaughter. It saddened me to hear about her death. The brother helped when that daughter was in a very bad wreck. Apparently he had helped a lot of people and I was the only one to say if there was a time he needed help in any way and I could help that I would. I think he realized I wasn't the person all the gossip said I was. Apparently he was headed in the direction to run for Governor of their state and he died.

I didn't know much about my second H's mother. She was an alcoholic and the ex refused to see or talk to her. I did meet her a few times and took our daughter to a family reunion but that's as far as any contact with his side of the family went. His dad. I never felt comfortable around him. A lot of red flags and my gut was saying run. I only saw him a few times. They were in FL and we were in PA and then where I live now. He had a nice veneer but underneath I know he wasn't a nice man. The ex rarely talked about him. The FIL died a day or two after I had the ex served.

I don't have a lot of experience with in laws. A blessing I guess considering what most people thought of my family. I know that I miss the MIL from my first marriage. I don't even have to deal with my daughter's in laws. There are some really strange people in this world we all live in. They probably say the same thing about me. Lol

It was nice of you to pay for their meal. It means you have tried to have some contact. If you don't hear from them you will know that it wasn't meant to be but it was a nice gesture. . I like to hear about in laws still keeping contact with ex's and the children but it is so rare.

Moscato 07/03/2015

No, I don't think you are "bat crazy" for still caring about them. It's a part of your caring nature. Sadly, both of my ex in laws are deceased, but if they were still alive I would still care very much for them. We had a very good relationship for the entire 26 years of our marriage. They always treated me like a daughter and I loved them very much. I'm not sure how close our relationship would be now given the circumstances. My MIL passed about eight months into our separation. She was extremely upset by her son's behavior and let him know it. My FIL had advanced Alzheimer's by the time we separated so he had no awareness of the situation. Kim - I respect you for trying to take the high road and show some kindness to your former in laws. I certainly think it's appropriate to be cordial and friendly when you run into them. Paying for their meal is a kind gesture. But I wouldn't jump through hoops to try and reconcile a relationship with them unless you sense that they desire a relationship too.

dairytech 07/04/2015

I did not see or speak to my MIL for 51/2 years after my 2nd divorce. I didn't receive even 1 phone call from her. In Oct my son told me my MIL was in hospital quite ill...she was almost 90...my son insisted I go and see her because he didnt think she would be with us much longer. After a lot of thought I went to see her...I was really nervous about it and almost backed out a couple of times...I pushed past it. To make a long story short...it was the best thing I could have ever done for myself. We cried and laughed together. I was able to talk about how I felt and she shared with me about why she made the decisions she did...none of them had anything to do with the love she had for me. I spent as much of my free time with her as I could...I became a major caregiver for her right up until she died this May. I felt blessed to have her back in my life even thought it was short.

Kim...I support you in your effort to reach out...but do it for yourself and your own healing. You may not get the response you may want but it doesn't matter...this is about you and who you are...no fault can be found when you act with love in your heart...Big Hugs...Kathy

kbbcoop77 07/04/2015

I don't think there's a right or wrong answer as everyone's situation with their in laws is probably different. I think what matters most is how it affects you. If it causes you pain and brings back hurt feelings then they should be cut off until you can have limited contact without spiraling. My ex wife and I were also together 24 years and her parents literally live a couple miles from me but since my wife bolted and they interact with my replacement it was better for me to cut them off. A divorce after that many years is sad and it does rip apart families. My ex commented to my daughter she was "upset" I didn't interact more with them at her recent high school graduation...well that wasn't my choice. Her decision, she has to live with the consequences as I do. Good luck.

annharmon 07/04/2015

i think people think they have to chose sides. my in-laws did, and step son, wife and grandkids are distant too. i will never try to convey "my side" of the split to any of them, because that would make him look like a real crud. i will never be unkind to any of them, but they have decided i am not family anymore. never be anxious about saying hello and how are you doing. but i wouldn't chase a relationship. after your very gracious gesture of buying lunch, see if they come to you. let them set the pace of a relationship that goes beyond cordial.

KRKing911 07/04/2015

I love my in-laws, after 30 years they became my family - I'm sorry that things are so strained with you and yours, but take Kathy's advice - reach out it might be the best thing you've ever done. My MIL and I speak at least 4 times a week on the phone and I make vacation plans to visit her. She's awesome as is the rest of my in-law family. I love them all and it sounds like you do too!. (((Hugs)))

yougospam 07/04/2015

My father in law is still alive. I never see him, anywhere. I'm sure If I did I would give him a big fat hug but I wouldn't talk about the divorce or about my ex. A few years back I went to him for help and advice asking how to deal with my then husbands always leaving me. Huge mistake and I learned to never reach out to him or any of his family. Even though me ex and his dad fought all of the time, my ex is loyal and will do anything his dad (and brother ) tell him whenever "they " tell him, completely leaving me out of. I had NO say in life altering decisions, yes one of our marital issues.
His mother passed away last Oct. She was a sweet heart. My ex left me, our marriage to take care of her full time. I had hoped that when she passed he would miss me and come back, he didn't and so all hope of reconciliation is gone. He lives alone in her place.

I think you seeing her from a distance was a good thing for your first encounter. My counselor says we are better able to deal with these chance encounters if we are prepared and you have broken the ice by buying their future meal, that is really nice of you to do!! so you know you will likely run into them at some point, so just let it happen when it happens. I think your kind nature will take over, let the encounter happen and go with your gut.

Timeman 07/04/2015

Hi Kim,
I wrote a reply to your message then pressed the wrong button and eraised everything.
That was yesterday.
Kim, you know what I went through with my x in-laws. Very similar to your situation.
I don't think there's anything wrong with you still having feelings for these people.
My God Kim. You knew them for all those years.just like me .
There's some good to you seeing your x MIL. You have nothing hide......you did nothing wrong.. You can hold your head up high. I also think that she knows that you did nothing wrong.. But its her son ...like my x mother in law was my x mother. They have to side by them.
But that doesnt mean that they are happy about it.
Kim, you've accomplished so much recently.....I know that you are an inspiration to me and I think many others here.... To be truthful , I could never have done what you did.
Congratulations to you my friend .
Head up high .......
Bob

goldengir 07/04/2015

I worried so that I would lose the relationships/friendships I had with my husband's family when we separated but I didn't. The ones I was close to, I still am. I'm actually closer to his cousins than he is! The ones I wasn't close to, never even called once my x told them we were separating. My MIL wanted to stay in touch and I was fine with that initially but then I realized what she was up to. She didn't care about me anymore. She was looking for information that would let her know if her son was going to be able to support her eventually. I stopped returning her phone calls after that. That made me sad.

Kim, I applaud you for wanting to reach out to your MIL and FIL. Ditto what dairy tech said…this is an act of love.

startingover2011 07/06/2015

I agree that this says volumes about the loving, caring person you are.

My XMIL and one of my XSIL's never let me go and let me know they sided with me. I was closer to my XIL's than I was my own parents, so it hurt when my XFIL (who is now passed) only left me a voicemail saying something about "no hurt feelings" and that he didn't hold anything against me...whatever. I could tell he totally sided with his son who he said had "been unhappy for 7 years"...again...whatever. I didn't return his call, but have remained friends with my XMIL and will always be great friends with my XSIL.

My XMIL never forgets my birthday, Christmas and Mother's Day with a card. This past Mother's Day, the card said "To My Special Daughter" and inside she wrote a thank you to me for giving her 4 beautiful granddaughters. We also share a special bond as we the ONLY two family members who have taken advantage of the "openness" of the adoption of my DGS11. Although her son and husband chose to have nothing to do with him because of the adoption, we chose differently...and to the two of US...he's family. I be sure to call him and invite her to go with dh and me when he has a school function or game. Although I'm sure she likes her new DIL just fine...they will NEVER share the bond she and I do.

Kim...I commend you!

MNMama 07/06/2015

Luckily, my mother in law and I can still visit and enjoy each other's company. I don't ask about my ex, just my ex bro in law and his family. Don't want to put her on the spot, but we enjoy each other's company and enjoy the memories we've made in the past. I would hate to lose that connection after 30 years.
Everyone's pretty much said it: you've done well in following your heart. If it happens and it's good, that's wonderful! If it happens and it's unhealthy, or nothing comes of it, you've done what's right and can move on.
Thanks for sharing and best wishes for a happy outcome.

Time4Kim 07/06/2015

Thank you all for your input. I just feel in my heart it's the right thing to do. It may not turn out the way I'm hoping, but at least I can know that I tried.

Hugs to you all.

Misred 07/07/2015

I have a good relationship with my EX SIL and her husband. I see my EX MIL a couple times a year and she gives me gifts. I send her and my EX FIL cards. My EX BIL told me when we split he had to stand by his brother but it wasn't long after that he would invite me and the kids to come visit. I guess he found out what really happened. I had a great relationship with them all prior and considered his parents my parents. When we do talk or see each other, we don't talk about the EX, however his mother will give me some info, but I don't ask any details. One year she said he had a live in girl friend to which I replied, "That's great, I do wish for him to be happy."

Whether it depends on how your relationship was with them prior. Also, what the intent is from all parties. If you are all reaching out for the sake of friendship then it is a good thing. If anyone is doing it just to be a nosy busybody, then it will harm someone. I know his parents get info about our kids, they cannot get from their son, just because they do not live with him or spend time with him. They were always involved in the kids lives and I don't want that to stop.

I love that you are buying them a meal and I like your attitude (reply #14)

((HUGS)))

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