Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
These are the hardest lessons in life. YOU LITERALLY GET TO COUNT ON ONE HAND WHO YOU CAN COUNT ON. I come from a verbally abusive family. A cold distant, angry mother and needy whiny sisters, who are themselves vengeful. Sadly, I, myself, am an angry human being. With a little clarity, I can see that I was VERBALLY ABUSIVE to my husband. This is what I cannot take. The guilt and absolute shame. It is the one thing I regret in this world. Now he was verbally abusive too. He saw his father bark at his mother and treat her with disdain and I certainly come a family of barkers. I have signed up for anger management classes BUT I AM TERRIFED that I will not change. I am terrified that I will hurt the people I love. What is so sad is that I don't mean it. I don't know why I sometimes bark at my husband. We have been making some inroads. Meeting and talking. It kills me inside to look at him, knowing I have hurt him (and knowing he has hurt me.) These are the times I feel so desolate. I am terrified of what if I never change. I feel like somehow giving up and living alone.
I have been grappling with this realization for a while because since I have been residing with my sister (just because I am hoping to make my marriage work), I have been facing abuse, especially verbal abuse from her. Today she called me pathetic and dismissed me. I felt like such garbage. Since I have had to live with her (because I don't have a full time job but I am looking), she basically abuses me and says whatever unkind thing she feels like. It must be karma because every time she does it, I think, this is what my husband must have felt like. And I literally feel like digging a hole and crawling in it. Why do we abuse the people who mean the most to us? I know this is not the type of post I usually write but you can't change what you don't acknowledge. I would do anything on the planet to not be hurtful to my husband again. And wish the same for him.
I have been grappling with this realization for a while because since I have been residing with my sister (just because I am hoping to make my marriage work), I have been facing abuse, especially verbal abuse from her. Today she called me pathetic and dismissed me. I felt like such garbage. Since I have had to live with her (because I don't have a full time job but I am looking), she basically abuses me and says whatever unkind thing she feels like. It must be karma because every time she does it, I think, this is what my husband must have felt like. And I literally feel like digging a hole and crawling in it. Why do we abuse the people who mean the most to us? I know this is not the type of post I usually write but you can't change what you don't acknowledge. I would do anything on the planet to not be hurtful to my husband again. And wish the same for him.
Hugs all around you.
xoxo
HUGSSS
MJ
Also, it does not excuse other peoples behaviors. Your sister should not be abusing you, and your marriage is not where it is because of you alone.
If you get help, it will help you identify what your triggers are, help you find tools to work through the issues in healthier ways, and help you determine, moving forward, what is the best plan to become your best self.
Please focus on getting yourself in a safe place, with the help you need to move forward, without being abused by anyone in the meantime. Sending a big hug!
My anger isn't the reason our marriage broke down. I now realise I should have left my ex many years ago when he first showed signs that he wasn't in it properly and was emotionally and verbally abusive. I was blindly in love and naiive, too young to even know there was such a thing as a red flag.
I think it's entirely possible to learn how to deal with our anger. Good on you for going to therapy. When you learn about why you get angry, you gain a better understanding of yourself, and you can get to the point where you decide to respond to things rather than react.
I'm praying for you.
love and hugs
kamary
can
in fact being aware of the challenge...what you call terror
shows that you are much more capable than you realize
it takes true courage to look oneself over in the mirror
i admire you courage and i beleive in the stoutness of your heart
as for the dark days coming, so what, they come for all of us at odd times
dark days are part of the ebb and flow
trust your courage of self reflection
Refurb, thank you for your perspective. It's good to hear from a man.
I am taking responsibility for my own problems but maybe, it's to make me a better person and just maybe I deserve better than him and my abusive family.
I married into a very loud, verbally abusive (they didn't see it that way), Jewish family. They gave me a headache and I always felt stressed. That's normal to them. Silence was normal to me.
You were brought up in a very loud, abusive, sarcastic family and of course you thought that was normal.
But it's not.
You will be able to change, but it will be hard. Anger management class will help. Just being aware of what you are saying before you say it will help too. You're smart and strong.
My ex's (and my daughter's) anger, sarcasm and abuse destroyed my marriage. But the actual divorce was due to the lack of respect they showed me and the lack of trust I had for them.
HUGS You can do it
My first marriage was a disaster and I made five years before I had sense enough to get out. I was angry a lot about how I was living. During those growing up years I learned to think before I spoke but sometimes I still open my mouth and insert both feet.
My second and last marriage was 33 years when I finally got my divorce. I was so angry when I finally found he had been playing games with my life. I could never trust him again and that lack of trust is what sent me to get a divorce. I have never told him how much hurt and anger he caused me because it wouldn't change my decision.
You realize you have anger issues and you want to change. These anger management classes will teach you how to manage your anger. You aren't doing this for your H but for yourself. You will learn from this and those classes.
Just go with it. Let yourself be sad if that's how you feel. Cry till you have no more tears and you find yourself sitting quietly and calmly. Then you'll decide what is the next step for you.
As missd said, it would be good if you could talk to a therapist, someone to help you sort through your own thoughts and emotions.
love and hugs
kamary
love and hugs
kamary
love and hugs
kamary
The good of Anger Management, is for you to learn the SKILL and task of execution of acceptable behaviors. Once you learn properly the behavior skills, it will give you self control which lessen your fear. If you fear anything, fear the REJECTION you will get when you do act out ! You don't want that. The issue is for you to get SELF CONTROL. Self control allows you to become less sentsitive. That is your goal.