Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
These are the hardest lessons in life. YOU LITERALLY GET TO COUNT ON ONE HAND WHO YOU CAN COUNT ON. I come from a verbally abusive family. A cold distant, angry mother and needy whiny sisters, who are themselves vengeful. Sadly, I, myself, am an angry human being. With a little clarity, I can see that I was VERBALLY ABUSIVE to my husband. This is what I cannot take. The guilt and absolute shame. It is the one thing I regret in this world. Now he was verbally abusive too. He saw his father bark at his mother and treat her with disdain and I certainly come a family of barkers. I have signed up for anger management classes BUT I AM TERRIFED that I will not change. I am terrified that I will hurt the people I love. What is so sad is that I don't mean it. I don't know why I sometimes bark at my husband. We have been making some inroads. Meeting and talking. It kills me inside to look at him, knowing I have hurt him (and knowing he has hurt me.) These are the times I feel so desolate. I am terrified of what if I never change. I feel like somehow giving up and living alone.
I have been grappling with this realization for a while because since I have been residing with my sister (just because I am hoping to make my marriage work), I have been facing abuse, especially verbal abuse from her. Today she called me pathetic and dismissed me. I felt like such garbage. Since I have had to live with her (because I don't have a full time job but I am looking), she basically abuses me and says whatever unkind thing she feels like. It must be karma because every time she does it, I think, this is what my husband must have felt like. And I literally feel like digging a hole and crawling in it. Why do we abuse the people who mean the most to us? I know this is not the type of post I usually write but you can't change what you don't acknowledge. I would do anything on the planet to not be hurtful to my husband again. And wish the same for him.
I have been grappling with this realization for a while because since I have been residing with my sister (just because I am hoping to make my marriage work), I have been facing abuse, especially verbal abuse from her. Today she called me pathetic and dismissed me. I felt like such garbage. Since I have had to live with her (because I don't have a full time job but I am looking), she basically abuses me and says whatever unkind thing she feels like. It must be karma because every time she does it, I think, this is what my husband must have felt like. And I literally feel like digging a hole and crawling in it. Why do we abuse the people who mean the most to us? I know this is not the type of post I usually write but you can't change what you don't acknowledge. I would do anything on the planet to not be hurtful to my husband again. And wish the same for him.
I was so angry when I was with my husband I considered double suicide, Now I have no anger
left and I thank God and my therapist. This site really helped me a lot, knowing people were
going through what I had and survived and made a better life for themselves.
Maybe no contact would be good for you?
noone deserves abuse,
wake up to that fact
you do deserve better
even if you have self doubt and somehow think you did (you didn't)
but if you think you did
you don't now, and you don't ever again
you have the courage of self reflection with which you can see how to treat people with respect...
and you are on of those people too (you always were)
Then we wake up one day and realize.....today is NOT going to be what I thought it would be. Maybe my life is changed forever. Maybe I'll have to .....change. Adapt. Look beyond today. Yep, that sure does sound familiar, I'm betting for many of us here on DAT.
Honey, you yelled. You lost it. Maybe too often Well, it happened. Maybe, just maybe, he has problems as big or bigger then yours?! No matter. There may have been, may still be love, but toxic interactions have a way of building up to a toxicity level that one or both in a marriage just can't take anymore. So this is what happened for him I'm guessing. And more....you say he wants a different life, kids. That's a whole different ballgame sister, and it's not related to you yelling at him I'm guessing.
Honey, sounds like he's going through something that is separate from you or your marriage or your issues. He's reexamining his life, his choices. This is a very common scenario in breakups of long marriages. Sometimes it involves falling for someone else, emotional or physical cheating, sometimes not.
You have taken a long hard look at yourself and recognized some things you don't like. That you want to change. Do you only want to change it for him? Only to hold on to him to make him stay? You need to change for YOU first an foremost. It's good that you're looking at how your anger may affect other and future relationships. There ARE coping mechanisms for anger. You can fix this! Stop tormenting yourself.
I believe there is something good that will come from observing your sister bully and abuse you. It's yet another wakeup call. Is she alone or married? Just curious. Honey, you are making yourself beholden to her living there. She is being terrible to you. Is there nowhere else to go? If no, then suck it up and keep to yourself as much as possible, even if it means 'hiding' away in your room. You need some peace.
You will find work. You will support yourself. Because you must. Searching for employment while your self-esteem and emotional health is low is very, very hard. Been there done that. Good luck on that front honey. Use your networks to try to get something close to home and not too emotionally or physically demanding as you just won't have much to give right now is my job search advice!
He may not want to try again. Touch love moment coming here: you need to face that your marriage may be over and start working on you. I know how hard that is, God only know how much I know! I lived in that suspended state of hopefulness and denial for almost a year! The ex came and went a few times and it was literally a revolving door at my house. It's prolonged torture if you ask me! Get to the bottom of it as quick as possible so at least you know where you stand is my advice. Easier said then done.....
I'm so very sorry for your emotional pain. Get thee to a support group my friend! You need supportive people around you now more then ever. Cause it doesn't sound like any empathy is coming your way from your tormenting sister. I hope you can be out of there soon, it is toxic for you. Big hugs of support