Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
During the all the trials and tribulations, The ups and downs, The Anger, Fears, and Tears, just remember YOU ARE ALREADY DOING IT. Most of us that had spent the last few years of our marriages filled with self doubt, no self esteem, and the total LACK OF SELF CONFIDENCE feel like we can't do this!!!! Everything is to hard, everything is a challange, I DON'T LIKE THIS, I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ALONE!!!! I am almost embarrased to admit this but for the last 15 years of my marriage I didn't even put gas in my car. This was just something the H always did he would take my van to the car wash on Sunday afternoons then fill it with gas so the kids and I would be ok. I never had to worry about stopping for gas on the way to work or on the way home with a car filled with three kids. So the first time I had to put gas in myself I had to have my daughter show me how to use the new machines that you could just swipe your card because I had never done it. Talk about HUMILIATING RIGHT. I never would have called myself sheltered, co- dependant, or not self sufficant.
It's amazing to me to see how many things I allowed to just slip away and not even notice it. A few months ago my sister who lives on the other side of town called and said come spend the weekend with me. I sat there silent for a moment and said how do I get to your house? She was like WHAT!!!! T YOU HAVE BEEN TO MY HOUSE A 100 TIMES. Yes I know but he always drove and I haven't driven on a freeway in 20 years. I felt so stupid, ashamed actually I started to cry the shame was so overwhelming. She said it's ok honey we will map quest it. Then I said what's Map Quest? Just kidding that I did know...... Needless to say I was SCARED TO DEATH ALL THE WAY I COULDN'T FEEL MY FINGERS FROM GRIPPING THE STEERING WHEEL SO HARD. BUT.... I did it and now I drive on the freeway all the time, I also have the gas filling down to seconds, and I have realized that it was in me all the whole time to do these things by myself.
It's not that we can't do it, it's that we ALL HATE CHANGE. We are all just used to the way things have always been and now even though it wasn't our choice, and it was TOTALLY OUT OF OUR CONTROL, WE ARE BEING FORCED TO CHANGE. I know the FEAR can be overwhelming, you can feel just PARALIZED BY IT. You can't breathe sometimes right???? HOW AM I EVER GOING TO DO THIS? HE ALWAYS TOOK CARE OF THESE THINGS.... I'm here to tell you that with each little baby step you take YOU ARE GETTING STRONGER, With each passing day that you stand on your OWN!!!! You are taking back control over your life. There is no room for Self Doubt BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. Start saying I CAN DO THIS, I'M DOING IT RIGHT NOW. And even though it's really hard I bet you didn't think you would make it this far did you? A year ago I wanted to just stay in bed and I couldn't even look my children in the eye because I was filled with GUILT for something that wasn't even my fault!!!!! I realize now I was feeling guilty mostly because I felt like I wasn't going to be able to provide a nice home, nice things, how was I going to take care of them all by myself???????
Now a year later WE ARE LEAVING FOR DISNEYLAND IN JUST 28 DAYS!!!!! Our place is small but it's home, I keep the car running so I can get to work and my son to school and i'm helping my daughter move into her first apt in March. NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS DID I EVER THINK I COULD ACCOMPLISH ALL THIS BY MYSELF. But if I can do it SO CAN ALL OF YOU!!!!! BELIEVE YOU CAN, TRUST IN YOURSELF, AND TELL YOURSELF EVERYDAY I CAN DO IT!!!!!!!! Show those stbxs that YOU ARE NOT THE END OF MY STORY!!!!! Just watch WHAT I CAN DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stay Strong Sisters:)
Disney...........
It's amazing to me to see how many things I allowed to just slip away and not even notice it. A few months ago my sister who lives on the other side of town called and said come spend the weekend with me. I sat there silent for a moment and said how do I get to your house? She was like WHAT!!!! T YOU HAVE BEEN TO MY HOUSE A 100 TIMES. Yes I know but he always drove and I haven't driven on a freeway in 20 years. I felt so stupid, ashamed actually I started to cry the shame was so overwhelming. She said it's ok honey we will map quest it. Then I said what's Map Quest? Just kidding that I did know...... Needless to say I was SCARED TO DEATH ALL THE WAY I COULDN'T FEEL MY FINGERS FROM GRIPPING THE STEERING WHEEL SO HARD. BUT.... I did it and now I drive on the freeway all the time, I also have the gas filling down to seconds, and I have realized that it was in me all the whole time to do these things by myself.
It's not that we can't do it, it's that we ALL HATE CHANGE. We are all just used to the way things have always been and now even though it wasn't our choice, and it was TOTALLY OUT OF OUR CONTROL, WE ARE BEING FORCED TO CHANGE. I know the FEAR can be overwhelming, you can feel just PARALIZED BY IT. You can't breathe sometimes right???? HOW AM I EVER GOING TO DO THIS? HE ALWAYS TOOK CARE OF THESE THINGS.... I'm here to tell you that with each little baby step you take YOU ARE GETTING STRONGER, With each passing day that you stand on your OWN!!!! You are taking back control over your life. There is no room for Self Doubt BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. Start saying I CAN DO THIS, I'M DOING IT RIGHT NOW. And even though it's really hard I bet you didn't think you would make it this far did you? A year ago I wanted to just stay in bed and I couldn't even look my children in the eye because I was filled with GUILT for something that wasn't even my fault!!!!! I realize now I was feeling guilty mostly because I felt like I wasn't going to be able to provide a nice home, nice things, how was I going to take care of them all by myself???????
Now a year later WE ARE LEAVING FOR DISNEYLAND IN JUST 28 DAYS!!!!! Our place is small but it's home, I keep the car running so I can get to work and my son to school and i'm helping my daughter move into her first apt in March. NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS DID I EVER THINK I COULD ACCOMPLISH ALL THIS BY MYSELF. But if I can do it SO CAN ALL OF YOU!!!!! BELIEVE YOU CAN, TRUST IN YOURSELF, AND TELL YOURSELF EVERYDAY I CAN DO IT!!!!!!!! Show those stbxs that YOU ARE NOT THE END OF MY STORY!!!!! Just watch WHAT I CAN DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stay Strong Sisters:)
Disney...........
For those of us on our own a good roadside plan is a necessity. Although I have never had one when the plan on this truck runs out I will have to see about something I would only use if I have trouble at night.
I had been wanting someone to go out to an Indian restaurant with me and no one was available. One day I had time and I just went in for lunch. Nervous that I was alone. I got a great out of the way table and enjoyed the buffet. When I was leaving I saw a woman dining by herself. I would have enjoyed having company, the food was great anyway.
I put up a ceiling fan recently and I can't figure out why he made such a big deal of it.
Isn't that the truth -- how they would make such a big damned deal out of anything we asked them to help us with? I made a point NEVER EVER to ask for help with ANYTHING I couldn't physically handle -- there was just too much whining and bitching to listen to otherwise.
Over the last couple of years that he was here, I just gritted my teeth and took on lots of projects that I knew he would never get around to helping me with. And guess what? THEN he was PISSED OFF! I just couldn't please that man one way or another so I just gave up trying. Now, I look at all that self-growth and KNOW it was the Universe's way of preparing me to handle this place on my own after I booted his sorry behind out of here!
Self-empowerment! Self-confidence! Learning to be self-reliant -- and also knowing when to ask for help. All key to thriving in this New Life.
The biggest one was buying my own house. Oh, what a feeling:) I had a fence put in this week and I feel great that I decided I needed one, planned where and what, got all the quotes, discussed it with the neighbour without giving in to what he wanted (compromise is the key), and there I sat yesterday, looking at my physical boundary. Ahhh!
I've found I don't really struggle with the practical as much as with the emotional and social stuff. I've always been a shy, retiring type and this has changed big-time. Slowly, slowly, the confidence is growing. I stood up to a beligerent man at a party recently, just waited till he finished his rant, then I changed the subject. His problem was that I disagreed with his opinion. I almost fainted, I was so amazed that I could actually react confidently to aggression like that. Yay!!! I think my hosts were a bit surprised that I didn't dissolve into tears and need help, too. They just acted as though nothing had happened but gave me the looks of approval. Yay again!!
I'm slow to the going out alone thing. My first outing alone will be on 28th this month when I go to see my son playing in the band for Natalie Cole. It's not just the concert. I have to drive 3odd hours alone and into the city on new updated roads and freeways, and stay the night at a hotel alone. Might have to be brekky in the room this time. Not ready for the restaurant yet. Bit scared, but the purpose outweighs the fear :)
I think it's easier for me now that I know more about the dynamics of cheating and divorce and dealing with difficult people. The advice from everyone here has helped me more in the past couple of months than all the counselling and advice from friends and family in more than 3 years.
So thank you so much, Disney, for this post, and everyone else here who so openly discuss the important issues associated with divorce.
love and hugs to all
kamary xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxoooooooooooxxxxxxxxxxooooooxxxxx