Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
During the all the trials and tribulations, The ups and downs, The Anger, Fears, and Tears, just remember YOU ARE ALREADY DOING IT. Most of us that had spent the last few years of our marriages filled with self doubt, no self esteem, and the total LACK OF SELF CONFIDENCE feel like we can't do this!!!! Everything is to hard, everything is a challange, I DON'T LIKE THIS, I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ALONE!!!! I am almost embarrased to admit this but for the last 15 years of my marriage I didn't even put gas in my car. This was just something the H always did he would take my van to the car wash on Sunday afternoons then fill it with gas so the kids and I would be ok. I never had to worry about stopping for gas on the way to work or on the way home with a car filled with three kids. So the first time I had to put gas in myself I had to have my daughter show me how to use the new machines that you could just swipe your card because I had never done it. Talk about HUMILIATING RIGHT. I never would have called myself sheltered, co- dependant, or not self sufficant.
It's amazing to me to see how many things I allowed to just slip away and not even notice it. A few months ago my sister who lives on the other side of town called and said come spend the weekend with me. I sat there silent for a moment and said how do I get to your house? She was like WHAT!!!! T YOU HAVE BEEN TO MY HOUSE A 100 TIMES. Yes I know but he always drove and I haven't driven on a freeway in 20 years. I felt so stupid, ashamed actually I started to cry the shame was so overwhelming. She said it's ok honey we will map quest it. Then I said what's Map Quest? Just kidding that I did know...... Needless to say I was SCARED TO DEATH ALL THE WAY I COULDN'T FEEL MY FINGERS FROM GRIPPING THE STEERING WHEEL SO HARD. BUT.... I did it and now I drive on the freeway all the time, I also have the gas filling down to seconds, and I have realized that it was in me all the whole time to do these things by myself.
It's not that we can't do it, it's that we ALL HATE CHANGE. We are all just used to the way things have always been and now even though it wasn't our choice, and it was TOTALLY OUT OF OUR CONTROL, WE ARE BEING FORCED TO CHANGE. I know the FEAR can be overwhelming, you can feel just PARALIZED BY IT. You can't breathe sometimes right???? HOW AM I EVER GOING TO DO THIS? HE ALWAYS TOOK CARE OF THESE THINGS.... I'm here to tell you that with each little baby step you take YOU ARE GETTING STRONGER, With each passing day that you stand on your OWN!!!! You are taking back control over your life. There is no room for Self Doubt BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. Start saying I CAN DO THIS, I'M DOING IT RIGHT NOW. And even though it's really hard I bet you didn't think you would make it this far did you? A year ago I wanted to just stay in bed and I couldn't even look my children in the eye because I was filled with GUILT for something that wasn't even my fault!!!!! I realize now I was feeling guilty mostly because I felt like I wasn't going to be able to provide a nice home, nice things, how was I going to take care of them all by myself???????
Now a year later WE ARE LEAVING FOR DISNEYLAND IN JUST 28 DAYS!!!!! Our place is small but it's home, I keep the car running so I can get to work and my son to school and i'm helping my daughter move into her first apt in March. NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS DID I EVER THINK I COULD ACCOMPLISH ALL THIS BY MYSELF. But if I can do it SO CAN ALL OF YOU!!!!! BELIEVE YOU CAN, TRUST IN YOURSELF, AND TELL YOURSELF EVERYDAY I CAN DO IT!!!!!!!! Show those stbxs that YOU ARE NOT THE END OF MY STORY!!!!! Just watch WHAT I CAN DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stay Strong Sisters:)
Disney...........
It's amazing to me to see how many things I allowed to just slip away and not even notice it. A few months ago my sister who lives on the other side of town called and said come spend the weekend with me. I sat there silent for a moment and said how do I get to your house? She was like WHAT!!!! T YOU HAVE BEEN TO MY HOUSE A 100 TIMES. Yes I know but he always drove and I haven't driven on a freeway in 20 years. I felt so stupid, ashamed actually I started to cry the shame was so overwhelming. She said it's ok honey we will map quest it. Then I said what's Map Quest? Just kidding that I did know...... Needless to say I was SCARED TO DEATH ALL THE WAY I COULDN'T FEEL MY FINGERS FROM GRIPPING THE STEERING WHEEL SO HARD. BUT.... I did it and now I drive on the freeway all the time, I also have the gas filling down to seconds, and I have realized that it was in me all the whole time to do these things by myself.
It's not that we can't do it, it's that we ALL HATE CHANGE. We are all just used to the way things have always been and now even though it wasn't our choice, and it was TOTALLY OUT OF OUR CONTROL, WE ARE BEING FORCED TO CHANGE. I know the FEAR can be overwhelming, you can feel just PARALIZED BY IT. You can't breathe sometimes right???? HOW AM I EVER GOING TO DO THIS? HE ALWAYS TOOK CARE OF THESE THINGS.... I'm here to tell you that with each little baby step you take YOU ARE GETTING STRONGER, With each passing day that you stand on your OWN!!!! You are taking back control over your life. There is no room for Self Doubt BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. Start saying I CAN DO THIS, I'M DOING IT RIGHT NOW. And even though it's really hard I bet you didn't think you would make it this far did you? A year ago I wanted to just stay in bed and I couldn't even look my children in the eye because I was filled with GUILT for something that wasn't even my fault!!!!! I realize now I was feeling guilty mostly because I felt like I wasn't going to be able to provide a nice home, nice things, how was I going to take care of them all by myself???????
Now a year later WE ARE LEAVING FOR DISNEYLAND IN JUST 28 DAYS!!!!! Our place is small but it's home, I keep the car running so I can get to work and my son to school and i'm helping my daughter move into her first apt in March. NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS DID I EVER THINK I COULD ACCOMPLISH ALL THIS BY MYSELF. But if I can do it SO CAN ALL OF YOU!!!!! BELIEVE YOU CAN, TRUST IN YOURSELF, AND TELL YOURSELF EVERYDAY I CAN DO IT!!!!!!!! Show those stbxs that YOU ARE NOT THE END OF MY STORY!!!!! Just watch WHAT I CAN DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stay Strong Sisters:)
Disney...........
Let me just tell you THAT YOU ARE NEVER ALONE OK. My journey through this madness began a year ago on Jan 13th, 2011 and my Husband just threw his stuff in his truck and drove away after 23 years of marriage. The daily routines and schedules will work its self out in time and you will have to adjust your time to do things here and there. Everything seems overwhemlming because if you were like me your not eating well and you aren't sleeping so your really tired anyway. Try to find rest where you can hot baths and a glass of wine would help me sleep once I went a week on 10 hours sleep total. There is always Hope and even though you don't see it now it will get better and my friends here on DS were a source of comfort and strength for me. So it's time to pass it on and help others like I was helped in my darkest of times. We have all been through it and some are just starting their journey like you are. So journal here and post on the forum and I guantee someone is always on to help you and offer a kind word or a listening ear ok. Stay Strong and take it one day at a time.....
Your Friend,
Disney......
off my deck yesterday, I had the same thoughts. He always told me that I was a "foo-foo", and that I couldn't do this or that. Well, yesterday I shoveled snow, loaded the outdoor wood stove and did all of the things he always would do. It felt good to know that I can be independent, and I can accomplish whatever needs to be done. For the first time in a long time, I'm starting to believe in myself.
Blessings,
T.
When I moved on this land I had to do a lot of things I had never done.The biggest motivator for me is knowing it won't get done if I don't do it. That is the same for a lot of us. We got complacent in our marriages and it was nice to have someone do things for us. I seldom got that niceness from the ex.
I know how hard it is to do new things you've never had to do. I'm lucky I guess that the ex was gone a lot and I learned to pump gas, buy new tires for my truck, trade for new vehicles. But I still won't go out to a sit down restaurant by myself. Not can't (I hate the word can't)I won't just because I'm alone so much and going out to eat should be with friends and family.A special occasion. At least for me I think it should.
This issue of eating alone in a restaurant is a pretty common theme around here. But you know what? I NEVER went to a restaurant to eat a meal by myself even when I was still married! I guess for me, eating in a restaurant is more of a social event than just taking nutrition. And I would rather fix something at home than just eat out for the sake of eating out.
Like Trisha, I'm also a female farm owner, but I was also my Dad's "tomboy" so I had always preferred doing "guy stuff" more than domestic chores. I can do all the implements on my big tractor, use tools to fix carpentry and plumbing, take care of the vehicles. My only limitations are physical strength and I learned early on to ASK FOR HELP when I needed it.
I think the biggest stumbling block when we are suddenly faced with the major life-changes divorce brings is FEAR. FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN. When you think about it -- everything is unknown. We don't know from one minute to the next what's going to happen. I believe the key to dealing with that fear is having faith in yourself. We're all smart and we all have problem-solving skills. There's nothing wrong with asking questions and if we also have faith in a higher power, there is prayer. I asked God to keep his loving arms around my shoulders (and His hand across my mouth) MANY times during my own 18 Months of Hell. Those prayers were answered -- and then some!
One day at a time. Sometmes one moment at a time. Baby steps. Nothing wrong with admitting you don't know all the answers. Knowing that you can get the answers is the key to allaying your fears.
i will fail at things i will have days pray he was there just to give me a hug , but i am moving slowly to a new me , huggs to you all x
I know that if any of these situations arise I will GET THROUGH IT JUST LIKE I HAVE EVERYTHING ELSE OVER THE PAST YEAR. Sitting around constantly worrying, constantly stressing, constantly crying, only CREATES STRESS LINES, GREY HAIR, AND MAKES US AGE WELL BEFORE OUR TIME. I have lost 112 pounds since Jan 13th 2011, went from a size 22 to a size 8. Now that my body is rockin like a 25 yr old again I don't want an old lady face right???? Fear and stress can cause all kinds of problems like drinking, drugs, depression ect..... So TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF EVEN IF YOU FEEL YOUR LIFE WILL NEVER BE BETTER IT WILL!!!!!! DON'T LOSE HOPE FOR YOUR FUTURE, DON'T LOSE FAITH IN GOD HE ALWAYS HAS A PLAN FOR US.
Oh and I agree with some of my friends I won't go out to dinner or a movie by myself either just doesn't feel right.
27 DAYS TIL DISNEY:) !!!!!!!!!
Oh noooooooo. I would like to say that I stopped and fixed that tire. WHAT! This is Canada in January. I drove the 5k home on a flat and went to bed content that I made it.
Next day at the garage I found out that they couldn't repair it because by driving on the flat I ruined the tire! What did I know?! I made it home. On my own. Old days, I would've called him, he would've been ANNOYED with me for having something bad happen that affected HIM, and I would've sat there by the side of the road feeling guilty and wondering what kind of mood he'd be in when my 'rescuer' arrived. And I DID NOTHING WRONG. And THIS is the man who haunts me, who I cry over, dream about....
That WAS my life. No more. NO MORE!
Well you learned an expensive lesson with your flat tire! Lucky you didn't have to buy a new rim (wheel part) too from driving that far on the flat. But given the circumstances, you probably made the right decision.
I would strongly advise you (and all the other newly single ladies on here) to LEARN TO CHECK YOUR TIRE PRESSURES and DO IT AT LEAST ONCE A MONTH! Then: (1) learn HOW to replace a flat with the spare (2) get a can of that stuff called "Fix a Flat" and keep it in the car (3) join AAA or whatever entity in Canada guarantees 24/7 roadside assistance (4) make a pact with someone who will come "rescue" you if this ever happens again (or some other kind of transportation snafu) and ALWAYS ALWAYS keep your cell phone charged and in the car with you when you are away from home by yourself.
Thank God for my Dad (rest his soul) for being a Boy Scout. Their motto is "BE PREPARED" and besides teaching me a lot of valuable "guy stuff" he also taught me practical methods to be prepared for almost any eventuality. He kept a blanket and a small folding shovel in his car at all times, too, and told me "keep a pair of heavy gloves in your car, Kate. You never know when you might need them!"
I am certain that your story will get others here to thinking about self-empowerment. THAT is the key to working through and moving beyond the changes of divorce. Thanks again, iammine, for sharing this.
Congrats once again to DISNEYMOM! She's a pretty amazing little lady, for sure!