Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group

I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...

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/ Divorce after Twenty years together Support Group

When he starts to show his NICE SIDE?????

disneymom65
disneymom65
Has anyone had this happen? My ex went went up to our daughter Shelby's work this morning. He said he just wanted to say hi to her in a place where she couldn't hang the phone up or walk away from him. When asked how she was doing she said I have been real busy with having to drop out of school to help mom take care of bills and help with Austin. Right now she said mom is home real sick with the flu throwing up and 103 fever since last night. I'm going to take her some gingerale and crackers on my break. According to Shelby her dad started crying and saying over and over again how sorry he was and what could he do to help. Shelby the strong beautiful girl she is said Dad just pay what your supposed to and be a good dad to Austin he is a little boy who needs you to set a good example. My ex then said to her Shelby i'm your dad too and I miss all of you so much. Then you should of thought about that before you put all of us through all this pain. Especially my mom who did nothing but take of of all of us including you for 23 years i'm ashamed of you dad I never thought you were this kind of man. I wanted you to be the example of what kind of man I wanted to find one day but I hope I never find a man like you selfish and stupid and someone that doesn't care about his family.

The next thing I know there is a knock on my door and it's him holding flowers a bottle of gingerale, crackers and chicken noodle soup????? He said i'm sorry your so sick honey Shelby told me so I wanted to bring some things by to help you feel better. I didn't know what to say to weak to fight with him so I simply said thanks. Then he said why didn't you tell me you were so sick? I said it's not your concern anymore i'm not your concern anymore remember you left me? I still love you and the kids and I care if any of you are sick I just want to help you. I don't need your help or concern just pay your spousal and child support like your supposed to and I don't have to worry about going to work so sick because I can't afford to miss one day.

Why all of sudden is he all concerned about my health. When he ran out on me I almost had a freakin breakdown my blood pressure sky rocketed through the roof and I would have stress panic attacks everyday for about a month or longer. Now after I have gone through all this and i'm almost through the worst of it I am becoming stronger and stronger he shows up with flowers and soup like that is supposed to make up for putting me and the kids through HELL for the past 7 months?????
Any thoughts of what this is all about?????????????????????????????????
deleted_user
deleted_user
Sounds like he got buyer's remorse if there was another woman involved...she dumped him, maybe, so he wants any kind of attention to soothe his ego...Believe me, I sincerely doubt that it is out of real unselfishness on his part. Beware of an ex bearing gifts.......Sorry you are sick, hope you are on the mend, soon. Hugs.
KRKing911
KRKing911
I agree with Spiffy, although your heart has probably opened up that horrible can of hope again. Hope hurts. Stay strong and resolved. I do hope you feel better.
hurtinandhealin2560
hurtinandhealin2560
Got to agree with Spiffy--he's probably been dumped or they're having problems and he's remembering good old wife who was always there for him.

Beware! My ex showed up at my door too when he and skank ho/now wife had problems early in their affair after I kicked him out. He was all helpful and apologetic until they got back together and then he was Mr. Nasty again.

Get what money you can from him, but keep your distance. He's likely looking for a place to land until he finds a new ow or gets the old one back. Guard your heart.

Sending healing hugs! So sorry you've been ill.
hurtinandhealin2560
hurtinandhealin2560
P.S. Kudos to your daughter for standing up to her dad and taking him to task for his lack of caring. Good for her!
CowgirlKathi
CowgirlKathi
'He IS NOT concerned about your health or well-being, my friend! He is nothing but a wolf in a sheep suit. Trust me on this one! I've seen this scenario in "real life" and on here waaaay too many times to think otherwise.

His only possible feelings of remorse are most likely due to the fact that if he doesn't pay up and STAY paid up, he KNOWS he'll be in deep doo doo with the Judge and might have to do a little jail time.

FORGET everything he said. It is unmitigated B.S. my friend!
disneymom65
disneymom65
Thanks everyone for your input just wanted to make sure that my first initial gut feeling to his all of a sudden change of attitude was right. It's that gut instinct we all have that's usually right. Since I posted last I have recieved 2 dozen long stem roses and a giant mickey mouse holding a heart. Now that's just crossing the line bringing Mickey into his lies!!!!! Hey there's a reason they call me Disneymom... Anyway I brought the flowers over to my neighbor she's a sweet little old lady Austin brings her trash out for her and were always returning her kitty when he gets out. It brightened up her day. As for Mickey I think the kids at preschool would love to take care of him for me. Thanks again everyone.
deleted_user
deleted_user
BEWARE. . .
I went through this remore, Mr. Nice Guy, twice.

BEWARE. . . Hold him accountable - that's enough for now. . .

Hope you're feeling better disneymom.
dairytech
dairytech
My ex did stuff like this when he changed his mind after our first divorce. I wanted my family back so bad I readily accepted them. I didnt let him work to get me back...I jumped at the chance. I did insist we went for counselling but he only went the one time. He said and did all the right things...the things I wanted to hear and it was me that ignored the red flags. We got back together but only lasted 3 years. All the things that went wrong the first time happened 10 fold the second time. I am now divorced 21 months for the 2nd time to the same man. Whats really weird is...those same behaviours that happened after our first divorce is starting again 21 months after our 2nd divorce. I'm much wiser now.

Although things did not work out for me with that 2nd attempt...I believe it can be done. I know of a few people in my world who have made it work. One couple in particular was divorced for 7 years when they got back together. They went to counselling privately and through there church. They both committed 100% to making it work and worked very hard at getting to there issues collectively as well as personally. They remarried 2 years ago and are very happy together. I believe that if my ex would have stuck with the counselling we would have had a better chance of making it work and may still be together to this day.

If you are considering this dont rush it. Men value most what they have to work for. Insist on individual counselling and after a period of time..couple counselling. Be open but cautious. I do believe that if a long term marriage can be saved...its worth the effort to find out. Big Hugs...Kathy
Atpeacemary
Atpeacemary
I know for sure that I will not take him back, not now, not ever. You cannot change a person, only they can change themselves and even that is almost impossible. They are so set in their ways that all they really care about is their creature comfort. You can only try to be someone different for so long but then you revert to your true self. I know of marriages that survived infidelity but those are rare. So just be careful, just follow your own heart but listen and look for the red flags
deleted_user
deleted_user
A friend told me once, they do these things out of guilt. In any event, it seems to me it's like closing the barn door after the horses have been left out! A bit like too little too late?? Right now you need the financial support. Flowers won't pay the bills or feed the children Huh? Hang tuff, my friend.---Hope you feel better soon.
drtexdi
drtexdi
OK I hate to be the wet blanket but our friends would have said we were an example of a couple that overcame his infedelity. We were still married 10 years after the first affair. We went to counseling and I believed him. I won't make that mistake again. Please protect yourself. I think there is preditory behavior these people exhibit.
lori47
lori47
Disneymom...guard your heart. But I do think the right individual can regret 100% what they have done. Do what Kathy says. If he truly wants to get closer to you again, be in control. It may just be that he has a lot of regrets and wants to have at least friendship with you. I don't think friendship is really possible at 7 months, but maybe the foundation to one day be friends with your ex.

I am constantly struggling with this issue. My ex has gone so far to be crying on my shoulder saying he f**ked up, I am who he wants and would I ever remarry him. What I have found is if I give him an inch, he takes a yard...the other direction.

We will not be reconciling, but I am hoping that all the talking we have done in the last year will give us the ability to be friends and never nasty to each other. Its a painful way to go, makes it much, much harder to get over them. But I have accepted I will always have love for my ex. We just cannot be together again. Of course, my ex is an alcoholic and that puts a diffierent situation in the equation. He has enough of his own problems. Me being nasty isn't going to help me feel better about the situation.

Just take it one day at a time. No one has a crystal ball to be able to look into the future. I do know couples that have remarried and have succeeded at it. One coupld I know have been reconciled for 5 years .... after the H had a marriage in between. They are happy. So it can happen. But very, very important to take it slow and address all issues.
disneymom65
disneymom65
Thank you everyone for your advice. It's so hard this rollercoaster of emotions. I'm not so dumb to realize his motives are purely from the heart. If I have learned anything it's that he is very SELFISH AND SELF CENTERED there for i'm sure he has an angle somewhere. I do believe some people can change but first they have to be willing to admit that THEY NEED TO CHANGE OR THAT THERE IS EVEN A PROBLEM. My ex spends all his time blaming me and everyone else for his problems. Life didn't work out the way he thought so it must have been me and the kids so his solution JUST BAIL and all of a sudden all his problems just went away. Well we all know that's not what will happen in the end he will soon see that life is about to get alot harder for him. Maybe it's what he will need to start working on some of his issues and turn his life around. As for me and the kids we will keep moving on with our lives and see what the future holds for us. It's just the best I can do right now. Big Hugs to all of you..........
lori47
lori47
Good for you. He has a long ways to go if he cannot accept what he has done. I am totally happy i finalized the divorce. Yes emotional issues have ways to go but i know i can survive and thrive. He isnt trustworthy at this time so protect yourself. If he wants you in future make him earn you. Actions speak louder than words.
deleted_user
deleted_user
By the way, you have a very wise daughter!
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