Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
Being new to this whole emotional upheaval, I have no frame of reference on how to deal with some of this. How do you guys (and gals) deal with flood of emotions, and physical pain that sometimes become unbearable? There are times when the physical pain becomes so intense I just want to die. (I spent 2 weeks in the burn until, so I know a bit about pain)
Now don't go calling the guys in the white coats - I'm not there. But sometimes it just gets so intense, I don't know what to do. i only know a couple of people that have gone through a divorce, so I try to lean on them as much as possible. My other friends try to be empathetic, but they obviously have no idea what it feels like to have your heart ripped out like this. I try to meditate, and sometimes it works, usually not so much.
And as tempting as it is to "numb the pain at the expense of my liver" (Thanks Miranda for that line), I know that's a slippery slope, and I don't want to go there. One of my divorced friends went down that road, it's hard to see. He's doing better now, but still has a drinking issue.
So - any suggestions?
Now don't go calling the guys in the white coats - I'm not there. But sometimes it just gets so intense, I don't know what to do. i only know a couple of people that have gone through a divorce, so I try to lean on them as much as possible. My other friends try to be empathetic, but they obviously have no idea what it feels like to have your heart ripped out like this. I try to meditate, and sometimes it works, usually not so much.
And as tempting as it is to "numb the pain at the expense of my liver" (Thanks Miranda for that line), I know that's a slippery slope, and I don't want to go there. One of my divorced friends went down that road, it's hard to see. He's doing better now, but still has a drinking issue.
So - any suggestions?
Exercise. Burn it off. I didn't pursue prescription drugs but maybe I should have. I don't know. I recall anxiety through the roof! My arms would tingle to the point I wanted to yank them off my body. I found myself in the fetal position twice from the gut wrenching tightened chest aching pain. It sucks. It goes away.
I have a sweet tooth so I took up baking. It gave me something to learn, occupy my mind, something to do, (and smell), which had pleasurable end results. You wouldn't believe what comes out of my oven today!
iammine, All of our friends were married couples and yes, they disappear. One couple was our best friends for 30 years, but really, what is the other party to that couple suppose to do when visiting? It just falls to the wayside, unfortunately our worlds became quite dissimilar.
i thank God for the ledge as it gives me a bit of a rest form clinging the the shear face of reality
i'm still too new to all of this shit to see joy and mirth
this holiday cycle in which my teens really lived the divorce split family grind, seeing it grind them - being part of the grind, yeah i need to sit on the ledge and defuse
i think it is bullshit to deny the weight of things, take out the holiday kids custody schedule and just go to a "normal" exchange.... what is that like for my kids, to have a lazy Sunday, nice diner --- on the early side, to then have to pack, to be picked up by your mother from your father's house of vice versa
Jesus, God, when that becomes "normal" what the hell have we all "grown" to be inside?
--- writing that little pearl of pleasant will lea me to the ledge tonite
son went bowling with his buddies, all hs frosh, i gave them a lift, he called to get permission to sleep over
Good for them, that is as it should be for teenagers
me, good for me I'll count out a couple of fingers and chill on the ledge
Trouble with booze is that it is SO easy to go past that sweet little buzz when then tension sort of releases to....getting even more down and depressed. I drank and often ended up feeling worse. Took me awhile to make the connection and only then did I lessen the grip on my wine glass!
too much is a bad thing,
last night was about 3 oz worth over about an hour
this morning "no big head", this evening i won't have any
the point of my post is that " the ledge" can be a launching point into the void OR it can be used to relax upon when encountered as the shear wall face of reality is scaled
But I understand where you're coming from refurb. There is a certain beauty in looking out across the expanse after scaling the wall. I had not really looked at it that way. It will be some time before I get there, so for now I'll be avoiding the ledge.
Once I'm in a better place, I'll start working out again. I play hockey once or twice a week, and I usually go for a walk or hike every day , so I'm getting some exercise. I just need to work on the mental game, and try to keep from going nuts.
Coping for me happened in many ways:
1) My job--I buried myself in work for a while.
2) Volunteering-- helped me during summer months (I'm a teacher)--gave me a sense of purpose.
3) Joined a singles group at a local church--got me out and helped me get back into single life.
4) Counseling and Meds--provided a place to vent freely and learn good coping skills; the Meds help regulate my emotions so I wouldn't have such extreme lows--helped me to "feel" normal so I could remember what normal felt like.
5) Family and friends--my sister was available 24/7; my friends would treat me to dinner and send cards and letters of support.
6) God and prayer--should have put him first but I know there were times when He intervened in my darkest hours.
7). DS--truly a life-saver; I bless the day I stumbled onto this site; the caring and support has been extraordinary--I've met people who have become friends, and I found relief in helping others. I continue here to pay it forward and help the newbies (and sometimes get a kick in the butt for myself).
I gave myself all the room I needed to survive it. Although I am not proud of how I handled it. I can honestly say I just couldn't of done it any better.
Acceptance has always been a hard lesson for me to learn. Letting go of my will and plans is an ongoing struggle for me. I'm sure that is why I make my life even more agonizing and suffering than it has to be..............But I guess thats why its my walk, my journey.
A lot of the "long-time" members here have suggested EXERCISE -- even if it's just taking a brisk 30 minute walk each day. Another old member (who hasn't posted here in a long time) said she joined a local gym because it gave her a reason to get out of the house and to be with other people. Good suggestions, all of them.
It's not at all unusual for long-time married friends to either stick their heads in the sand or simply disappear. My therapist told me they do this because it makes them take a long, hard look at their OWN marriages and it scares the bejesus out of them. You know -- "if it happened to him/her, it could happen to me." I had to accept the fact that a lot of people I THOUGHT were true blue friends were merely "social" friends. But I also embraced the handful of friends who rallied round me and supported me through the whole ugly mess. And some new people came into my life and brought a lot of light and hope to me!
It's a tough process and unfortunately, there is no shortcut around it. You have to fight THROUGH it to get to the other side.
Be glad that you found this group. We have all been where you are at some point in time and we are here to console, cajole and (when necessary) give a good swift kick in the seat of your pants.
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. xoxo
Exercise can help keep your endorphins up which makes for a better mental state. Even if you can walk in the beginning of the day and the end of the day as part of your routine, it's good. I live in New England so the weather is not always hospitable for walking but I try to get out whenever it is. Today was in the high 40s which is down right close to beach weather in January in New England!
Try to keep busy with joining groups (like meetups) or church groups like divorce care if they have one in your area. Volunteer work is a great way to keep yourself busy too. Get back to the hobbies you may have enjoyed pre-marriage and before you were given all those "Honey-do" lists by your ex.
I also keep a list handy of all the crappy things the ex did to me post-affair and pre-divorce to remind me about why I'm so much better off without him. No contact is crucial too! If you have minor children it's impossible to go complete no contact but you can arrange appointments on a shared calendar (like Google calendar) so you can keep contact to an electronic minimum. Trust me, No Contact is one of the most important parts of this healing process.
Of course coming here is so helpful too!
http://lemaym1.wordpress.com/
I took on some new hobbies and activities that became my forms of physical therapy to help work through the emotions. I would go and exhaust myself on a hiking trail pushing myself to the limit, or just walk and walk, allowing the thoughts to flow out of my mind until I was just really enjoying the surroundings and not thinking about anything else.
I did the same thing with kayaking. Sometimes I would go kayaking for hours and just lose myself in nature and let the thoughts and feelings just flow.
You are still at the very early stages where your emotions are incredibly real and raw. That is perfectly natural, but I promise it does get better eventually. Slowly but surely as you find yourself again.
One step at a time..