I will let the more mentally healthy folks on here help you as white wine was definitely something I abused, Not proud of it. But I know all about the unbearable pain. I am so glad you are keeping your head enough to realise you do owe it yourself to not abuse yourself over someone elses problem.

Why hurt yourself. Your already doing better than you think, It doesn't feel like this for forever This to shall pass...........

I am suffering the same. I have tried downloading hypnosis apps for happiness, anxiety relief, and mending a broken heart. They are soothing, but the effects don't last. Although I have to admit I haven't been using them long enough. They say a minimum of 21 days in a row. I just started seeing a therapist, so I am hoping he will have suggestions. I drove to nowhere in the car one day and screamed my lungs out. I felt a bit better. And there's a punching bag in the basement. But I'm not the violent type. I'm the cry and sink into depression type. I also worry about alcohol and stuff like that. But I have to be strong for my kids. They are hurting too. Comedy has helped. I watched Wanda Sikes: I'm a be me. I laughed at least some. And Russell Peters always makes me chuckle. I pray a lot, and I feel better when I'm reading the prayers as opposed to memorized ones or just talking to God. I'm not sure why. I saw my deacon at my church. That made me feel better for a short while. I want to find divorce groups, but there aren't any around. One of the nearby churches has a Stephen Ministry program. I'm set to meet tomorrow and then they'll assign someone to me. Kind of like a sponsor for addicts, but in this case it is for the pain of the divorce.
Probably none of that helped, but stay busy. And if friends have offered to lend an ear, do it. I hope and pray that you will get through each day as painlessly as possible. Suzie

The early days are so tough. No wonder you're all feeling so bad. It's normal to feel huge emotions at this stage. You could try checking out the Grief Wheel in the photos section (top right).

I used to just let the emotions play out. I'd sit and cry till all the tears dried up, and I let myself think and say whatever came into my head. If I was angry, I'd pretend he was there and say whatever I liked. I'd dig in the garden or clean madly. The main thing is to let it be. Whatever you're feeling, it's nature trying to help you heal. Just don't do anything that'll get you in trouble or certified! LOL Getting it all out helps you heal.

Brokenhearted, I discovered hypnosis cds last year and they've been an enormous help. Yes, I have to play them every night to get the best effect, and I notice that I go downhill if I don' t put them on for a while. I usually put them on when I'm going to sleep and let them work subliminally.

My therapist recommends mindfulness - living in the moment - and that has helped me more than any other thing. She recommended 2 books.

"The Happiness Trap" by Dr Russ Harris (www..thehappinesstrap.com), and
"Full Catastophe Living" by Jon Kabat-Zinn (www.mindfulnesscds.com or www.jonkabat-zinn.com)

I actually did reach a point, after the estrangements, when I wanted to "go". I was fixed instantly when a counsellor said "Considering what you're going through, I'd be worried about you if you didn't feel like this." I'm so glad I'm still here, by the way. I'm so much happier now.

Understanding from others is so important.

We understand here.

love and hugs
kamary

I went through my divorce with one friend, a therapist, Divorce Care and I don

Sorry, I'm on my phone. I don't drink. If the ex had been in the states I might have been in jail. But he was overseas again. I put that anger and hurt into this farm. I took my anger out on hooking the bush hog to the tractor. You can still see where I took a hammer to it. I mowed the fields way too fast. One time at dusk I mowed too close to a tree on a slope and almost slid off the tractor. I didn't always work safely.

I didn't always see where I was mowing for the tears. I numbed the hurt and pain with 14 hour days. I was just plain angry most of the time. I'be been divorced just over six years and the anger is gone and my work days aren't as long unless it's summer.
Find something that you have a passion for and fill up your time. A good therapist is a must have along with an Atty you trust.

Good idea staying away from the booze. I quit cold turkey for 6 months after breakup because I knew that would be trouble. When I found out she was seeing someone and that I knew him I fell off the wagon and it's been a struggle. Trying to stay sober now. I have had those thoughts believe me. You have to find a reason to go on, and realize sooooo many people have gone through this and made it fine. I find it helps to remember the bad times we had and not focus on the good times, but that took quite a while to get there. You have to have faith that it gets better. In time it slowly gets better. People on this site have been extremely helpful. There are other sites too that help, I liked www.breakuprecoceryguide.com for some great tips and reassurance. Give that a good read. Have patience and know one day things will look a little better and you feel yourself healing. But stay no contact as much as possible, trust me on that.

Sorry www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

Yes, kbbcoop, I forgot about the list of bad things. I made a list of everything he did that was awful. It helped heaps when I was going through a rough patch. No contact as far as possible (we have kids and grands) has helped me too.

You are worth the effort to heal.

love and hugs
kamary

Sometimes when the thoughts are nagging, I just let them run their course. When it comes to negative self talk and my overactive imagination (which happens a lot), I try my best to stop it. For example just immediately closing my eyes and focusing on breathing or straining to hear anything around me, brings me back into the current moment. If I start to imagine the ex together with his new love, it can get so vivid I end up in tears. Sometimes I even have to say out loud "Stop! What you are imagining is not actually happening right now." It's easy to get caught up in your head. Do whatever it takes to step out of it.
I'm also a huge proponent of therapy. It may take some shopping around to find someone you click with,but there are many days I wouldn't have made it through without mine.

Thank you KBB for posting the recovery website. I'm going to bookmark that one!

What you need to embrace is that now you are a comity of one. No longer do you have to answer to someone that can derail your "impulsive, testosterone driven" plans.
My first summer I rented a motorcycle and drove cross country to catch a bluegrass festival in Colorado (I'm in Indiana).
It's winter. So focus on making some plans that have no rules. Research where to go, what to do, and do it. This is a great exercise to focus your thoughts on something other than grey short days and the betrayal.
Burn the rule book. Live life.

My family kept me off the ledge. I will be honest with you...divorce was the most difficult thing I have ever gone through...I cant think of anything worse short of loosing a child. For me...it felt like someone cut open my gut and ripped out my heart...the emotional pain was so great...it was physical. I even went to the doc thinking I was suffering from a heart attack..it was that bad. My doc assured me I was not...she explained that when we grieve our heart muscles tighten then release and that is what causes the pain...so it is a physical pain.

You will have many bad days especially in the beginning. There are things you can do to help reduce the intensity...like brisk walks, talking the emotions out, eating well, adopting a pet, gardening, going to the gym, getting plenty of rest...etc...all the things that make sense. As time goes by the grieving will lessen and you will start working it all out logically...even if it doesn't make logical sense. Right now...its all about you...you must become selfish and self centred for healing to begin...and I dont mean that in a negative way...put yourself first.

Set a time slot aside each day...during this time cry, yell, scream, swear all you want...but when that time is up...imagine a big red stop sign in your mind telling yourself enough for today and find positive productive activities to take its place. The only way to heal is to allow yourself to feel it and work through it without it consuming you...thats why the time slot.

Just...as hard as it is to see now...you will get through this...there are many here who have been in your shoes and have gone on to live happy fulfilling lives. I'm not trying to minimize what you feel but I am trying to get you to see the light at the end of the tunnel...better days are coming...you can trust that....Big Hugs...Kathy

I felt I needed to be brave and an example to the kids. I did my crying in the shower. There was no divorce care near me so I joined the womens bible study group at a local church. I had just started attending the church so no one knew my EX or my old life. It felt good. I also took a belly dancing class. Believe it or not, it takes concentration. Concentrating on something new gave my brain a break from the negative tapes playing in my head. Coming here and venting and writing journals helped to. Oh, and I went back to college. All those things had me moving in a different direction so I felt productive and proactive in my life.

There are no short cuts....you just have to go through it. (((HUGS))))

I have a close family; two parents still alive and three sisters. I'm lucky to have great realtionships with all of them. They all helped in one way or another. My sisters were great, they lived a few hours away at the time but most every day at least one of them called to check in on me...and they answered when I called. And it was a LOT!

I made one particular 'new' friend who became a lifeline for me. Funny thing about friends, some of the ones you might have thought would be there for you...disappear! Ask around, or chime in members, but it really does happen! For me, one gal who was really more of an acquaintance from years past (the kids school from a neighbourhood we moved from ten years earlier) called me up after she heard the news of my separation and became a wonderful friend to me! She's listen, advised, kicked my but sometimes, and was just there...like a friend is supposed to be, I suppose. Lucky for me she was working part-time at the time and had lots of time for me...I was pretty needy!

I had private counseling, joined a support group (made another good friend there actually), found this site, read lots of books. I suppose it wasn't one thing but it was LOTS of things together that pulled me through.

Some days nothing was enough to stop the overwhelming waves of sadness but...those days pass. There's always tomorrow! Use EVERY resource that you can and just keep on keepin' on! Best

For me I went to the gym to relieve the stress and hurt from losing my kids even though I was more of a mother to them than my ex was. I lost 70lbs and I am stronger now at 47 than I ever have been in my life and I even played football in college. What judge puts a suicidal child back with the mother that made her suicidal in the first place?

Keep putting one foot in front of the other, and remember it won't always be this bad. It's helped me to stay busy, busy... staying somewhat distracted so I'm not dwelling too much on the pain. Allow yourself to go through all the emotions, the grief, the sadness... just don't dwell on it too much.

It takes time, a lot of time, but it will get better. We change because of our challenges and difficulties, but it's up to us to make those changes into positive ones. Change can make us wiser and stronger. Change can be exciting and adventurous. It won't always hurt so much. This too shall pass..... Best of luck and hang in there.