Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
Hello everyone! Ok here goes...As some of you may know I care for my 21 year old paralyzed daughter that was in a car accident 3 years ago. Our marriage fell apart and he left, I moved 800 miles away. His girfriend from work lives in another state (have to travel by plane). My daughter has researched and decided on a stem cell therapy treatment (using her own stem cells) in the Dominican Republic. It has come about rather quickly and we leave on Sunday. All great and wonderful news and feel very confident in the events that are about to take place. So here's where I need some support...
My X who has not seen his daughter since we returned home last October for a wedding where he held an open house for his family and our friends (my earlier post) and had planned to visit this January to celebrate Christmas with her then, has decided to join us for her treatment in Santa Domingo as I'm sure a replacement for his Christmas visit. Argh! I am focused on her healing and her reason for being there. Period!!! We will be there for 4 days it is outpatient and we will be staying in the same hotel and associating with each other since we are there for our daughter. I plan to be on my best behaviour with me killing him with kindness and avoiding situations with him at all possible cost. My daughter who is focused on her own healing is worried I will stumble and fall back into depression and even having a breakdown with her dad there. I assured her that won't happen. (I had a big breakdown when I found out he was spending his first Christmas at her house for 9 days - didn't even spend that much time with my daughter all year!!) I told her to spend as much time as possible with him (and his father who is coming along also) and that I will not be with them regarding breakfast, lunch, dinners or other outings. Yes in the waiting room or hospital with her, but I plan on bringing a book and my journal and am planning to spend my time either alone (and I'm fine with that) or with another client and his father, and the doctor that will be also be with us. I'm just not sure how to handle myself when I do have to be around him. My daughter is very hurt that she can't have us together because she wants to be with me, yet feels guilty about spending this time with her dad. I explained to her that I just can't be with him in that way anymore. He's f-ing another woman!! We are divorced and as hard as that is for me to deal with we are no longer what we used to be as a family. She's hurt that its just not what it used to be. I can't bare to even look at him. I haven't seen him since after the divorce was final and we moved to Florida which has been over a year! I think I am strong enough to overcome this. I am preparing myself mentally for the obsticles, but I feel I will stumble with all the what if's that go through my mind. Like what if he talks about his girlfriend or ask me questions about my dating or things in my life (which he won't care to but may out of courtesy or obligation). I don't want to know ANYTHING about his or his father's life (who is now dating after 3 years since his wife of over 50 years passed away). Since I do all the caregiving for my daughter he will NOT be allowed in my room and told her that she can be with her dad and rest in his room. Seems so ridiculous since only 2 years ago we were all a family sharing hotel rooms and vacations. It was all his choice. All of this are consequences of his decision. It's a lot to handle to travel and let alone leave the country and coordinate all this, and transfer from wheelchair to car to bed to plane to etc. To pack and be prepared while he just shows up. Argh! but of course blames me for taking her away from him and moving to Florida. And of course I wasn't expecting any of this to occur so suddenly and have put on 20 lbs since I last saw him so I already have lost my confidence. I wanted to be that "WOW" when he saw me again. I don't know why I feel that I have to impress him. I just want to be that woman! You know that confident sexy amazing beautiful woman he fell in love with before. Now only better. I guess everyone wants to be one up on their X's. I;m just trying not to focus on he and I, but it will be the elephant in the room for sure. I pray to do what Jesus would ask of me. I do not hate him, but what he did. I'm not ready to forgive him either. He's a smauck who walked away after all we were going through only to find out he's with someone else he met at work!!! Reality has hit me hard and now I have to open this door and go through but I just have so much on my mind (my worst enemy). What do you all think?
My X who has not seen his daughter since we returned home last October for a wedding where he held an open house for his family and our friends (my earlier post) and had planned to visit this January to celebrate Christmas with her then, has decided to join us for her treatment in Santa Domingo as I'm sure a replacement for his Christmas visit. Argh! I am focused on her healing and her reason for being there. Period!!! We will be there for 4 days it is outpatient and we will be staying in the same hotel and associating with each other since we are there for our daughter. I plan to be on my best behaviour with me killing him with kindness and avoiding situations with him at all possible cost. My daughter who is focused on her own healing is worried I will stumble and fall back into depression and even having a breakdown with her dad there. I assured her that won't happen. (I had a big breakdown when I found out he was spending his first Christmas at her house for 9 days - didn't even spend that much time with my daughter all year!!) I told her to spend as much time as possible with him (and his father who is coming along also) and that I will not be with them regarding breakfast, lunch, dinners or other outings. Yes in the waiting room or hospital with her, but I plan on bringing a book and my journal and am planning to spend my time either alone (and I'm fine with that) or with another client and his father, and the doctor that will be also be with us. I'm just not sure how to handle myself when I do have to be around him. My daughter is very hurt that she can't have us together because she wants to be with me, yet feels guilty about spending this time with her dad. I explained to her that I just can't be with him in that way anymore. He's f-ing another woman!! We are divorced and as hard as that is for me to deal with we are no longer what we used to be as a family. She's hurt that its just not what it used to be. I can't bare to even look at him. I haven't seen him since after the divorce was final and we moved to Florida which has been over a year! I think I am strong enough to overcome this. I am preparing myself mentally for the obsticles, but I feel I will stumble with all the what if's that go through my mind. Like what if he talks about his girlfriend or ask me questions about my dating or things in my life (which he won't care to but may out of courtesy or obligation). I don't want to know ANYTHING about his or his father's life (who is now dating after 3 years since his wife of over 50 years passed away). Since I do all the caregiving for my daughter he will NOT be allowed in my room and told her that she can be with her dad and rest in his room. Seems so ridiculous since only 2 years ago we were all a family sharing hotel rooms and vacations. It was all his choice. All of this are consequences of his decision. It's a lot to handle to travel and let alone leave the country and coordinate all this, and transfer from wheelchair to car to bed to plane to etc. To pack and be prepared while he just shows up. Argh! but of course blames me for taking her away from him and moving to Florida. And of course I wasn't expecting any of this to occur so suddenly and have put on 20 lbs since I last saw him so I already have lost my confidence. I wanted to be that "WOW" when he saw me again. I don't know why I feel that I have to impress him. I just want to be that woman! You know that confident sexy amazing beautiful woman he fell in love with before. Now only better. I guess everyone wants to be one up on their X's. I;m just trying not to focus on he and I, but it will be the elephant in the room for sure. I pray to do what Jesus would ask of me. I do not hate him, but what he did. I'm not ready to forgive him either. He's a smauck who walked away after all we were going through only to find out he's with someone else he met at work!!! Reality has hit me hard and now I have to open this door and go through but I just have so much on my mind (my worst enemy). What do you all think?
I can not say for certain how he felt...but since I lived with the man for 24 years and know him well..I would say he felt a lot more uncomfortable than I appeared to him...appeared is the key word.
In hindsight...I am really happy it happened the way it did. I was able to test the waters of my own recovery. I think I passed with flying colours. I was able to see my strengths and weaknesses which is very helpful for me. It allowed me to focus and work on those areas.
Lisa...the first hour or so is going to be the worst...it was for me too. What I did was smile and appear cheery and talk as though he was a close acquaintance...meanwhile...on the inside...there was a lot of positive self talk going on. I know how scary it is but I also know you will handle this with strength and grace. Hold tight on to the thought that this is for your daughter...your love for her is stronger than any dislike for your ex. I am quite confidant that when the initial meeting is over you will be able to take a step back at some point and see him in a different light. You will feel a shift inside your heart. You will be able to weight your old feelings along side your new feelings and know the difference between them. This is a good thing. When or if you start to mourn the dream again you will have this' knowing" to help get back on track.
I dont think your ex will see you as just the nurse or caregiver of your daughter. I think that feeling has more to do with how you feel about yourself in reflection to how the marriage ended. My guess is he will feel a bit intimidated and threatened because you are at the controls. He may feel he has to go through you and seek your approval regarding your daughter during this trip. So...really it all boils down to point of view and attitude.
Hugs Lisa...you will be okay...stay strong and centred...you can and will do this....Big Hugs...Kathy
I think you need to go into this time feeling like you are coming from a place of strength and inner peace. Since you are still angry and hurt over your ex's behaviour - and this is perfectly understandable with it only being a little more than a year since the divorce - I think you need a therapy tune-up if at all possible.
If I had to see my stbs right now I can promise you that I would not be up to the task...I'm still too raw. I like KRK's take on just stating outright where you stand and maybe setting some boundaries. You will have to see him and it would be ridiculous to think that you won't be speaking with him so i suggest that you take the initiative and tell him what your expectations are. That way you are putting yourself in the driver seat of this whole 'operation Dominican Republic'.
Good luck hon - it sounds like a very stressful time for you right now. Have courage!
Prayers and hugs!
Diane
What an emotional and physical experience the last week has been. Your many words lingered in my thoughts as I worked through a lot of mixed emotions. First the anxiety of seeing him. We both had our guards up. He and his father politely asked to go to dinner first nite, I declined siting it was time spent with daughter to catch up. I told myself to just take a backseat and let my daughter go off with them and spend time. However next morning as I brought her down to breakfast I joined along with some other guest and the doctor and his assistant, who is my age and divorced and I told her ahead of time of my impending situation and was very empathetic. About 20 minutes into it as the table went to the buffet I sat back and started to tear up. My daughter helped me to keep it together. I thought I'd see him differently, more pathetic more ewhh, but instead I saw the man I loved again. I know everything about him and I just wanted more. Gesh. I got through it. We had to drive to hospital together and ended up taking a quick tour of city and had to sit in the middle of him and his father in backseat. Awkward! When he went to put his seatbelt on he acted like I had the plague. I said you can touch me. He just skwaked I know! Then did everything possible so we didn't touch! I thought ASS! Conversations were kept on the event at hand and of the new surroundings we were in. His dad was fine with me. I'll just keep this to the major events that occured...we had a lot of waiting to do, in the same room at the hospital with little places to wonder off to. he never asked questions or spoke directily to me. At some point it was comfortable almost like we were together again. I would glance at him but he never glanced at me. In waiting room while with another patient's father we were discussing the similatiries is our kids accidents and how their familiy handled things and very parallall to ours except he praised his wife and his family and how hard it is to go through. I told him to keep his family together that's all that matters. that so many families get divorced is amazing like 90%. Then with my emotional state in this hospital that reminded me of so many nights in the hospital during her accident and they bring her back to room I grabbed his arm. Nothing. As she comes out of anestheic she's all on truth syrum and 1. wants to know whats going on 2. pledges her love to some guy she knows 3. asked her dad if he and mom are still divorced and 4. ask where her brother is? I lost it standing next to her side and he on the other side of her. I sat back in the chair next to her bed and tears flowed. (he told her I stormed out of the room!) Next morning she wasn't feeling too good nasua. We were cutting it close to the time he was leaving for airport so I called and told him to come to our room. He was with us for about half hour. so anyway, we he did leave for airport he gave me a casual hug (I was confused over this). And now he's telling everyone it was a great healing for both of us!! WTF!! We did not discuss or talk or anything! Polite and cordial that's it!!! There was no healing. I cried my eyes out in my room the first night. Woke up next morning with an awful cold! Like total release let my guard down. I'm just slipping backward a bit over him. Nothing's changed except he thinks he's released. Wrote a email to all family (my side and his) regarding trip and said what a great job I'm doing for being there for ellen. Why my side of the family ? Stay Out!!! Crazy thoughts and feelings. Ellen said dad thinks I hate him so this was good because I came across very nice to him. ARgh. I wanted to just email his girlfirend my letter I wrote after a year of all that I had been throught to tell her of the baggage he brings. but I didn't I slept for the next 2 days to get this cold out. thank goodness. I just need to release all this pent up feelings. Hate Love Love Love and HER!!!! I told my sister just keep reminding me what he did...
Lisa you did great considering the stressful circumstances. You were there 100% for your daughter and you handled yourself with grace and self respect. And your daughter noticed!!!! You really cant ask for more of yourself than that.
As far as your ex goes...nothing they do or say makes any sense. You have to let it roll off your back like water on a duck. His reaction to you is typical and predictable. You can not take any of his actions or lack of action personal. He no longer is that man you used to love.
Slipping backwards is very normal...I have done that same thing hundreds of times...usually after seeing him or hearing about him. You still love that man he used to be and probably always will. That's okay. I gave myself permission to love my ex about 2 years ago. I refused to fight that truth any longer. Its how I feel and I gave in to it. My ex has no control over what I feel...the emotions I feel are mine. The man he has morphed into...I do not like one bit...he has no place in my life...I will not tolerate his stupid games nor will I listen to he dribble.
Lisa...you are still fairly new into this journey and the emotions are still raw and you have this added stress of your daughters injuries. OMG...you are one strong women. I have the up most respect and admiration for the way you are handling this situation. Your ex e-mailing your family...is almost laughable...I mean...give me a break...he is trying to be the man...take control...be the backbone throughout this trip...give the appearance of having to hold you up...your family knows the truth...I can just hear the chatter behind his back...he is making an ass of himself...if he feels healed after this trip...so be it...I have to wonder if his head has been removed from his butt...now that would be healing.
As hard as it his after spending time with him...you will move forward. Give yourself some time to sort out your emotions...see him for what he truly has become and let it all go. There is nothing you can do to change it. This may very well be one of those..one step backwards before taking 2 steps forward..times. Thats ok. We all have done that. Think of it as a re-group time. Focus on you and your daughters needs and forge forward. Allow yourself to feel what you feel and take as long as you need to work through it...it truly is the only way to get to the other side. Big Hugs to you...I am so very proud of you...Kathy
As for what the ex has spread all over the internet - people aren't dumb. Your daughter knows the truth and that's all that matters. Keep mum and the truth will come out anyway. It usually does.
I'm so glad your daughter's coming through the op so well. I wish her all the best.
love and hugs
kamary
I haven't seen my X for over a year-haven't really sat and talked with him for over 15 months. Don't know how I'd handle it!
Good job!