Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
Hello everyone! Ok here goes...As some of you may know I care for my 21 year old paralyzed daughter that was in a car accident 3 years ago. Our marriage fell apart and he left, I moved 800 miles away. His girfriend from work lives in another state (have to travel by plane). My daughter has researched and decided on a stem cell therapy treatment (using her own stem cells) in the Dominican Republic. It has come about rather quickly and we leave on Sunday. All great and wonderful news and feel very confident in the events that are about to take place. So here's where I need some support...
My X who has not seen his daughter since we returned home last October for a wedding where he held an open house for his family and our friends (my earlier post) and had planned to visit this January to celebrate Christmas with her then, has decided to join us for her treatment in Santa Domingo as I'm sure a replacement for his Christmas visit. Argh! I am focused on her healing and her reason for being there. Period!!! We will be there for 4 days it is outpatient and we will be staying in the same hotel and associating with each other since we are there for our daughter. I plan to be on my best behaviour with me killing him with kindness and avoiding situations with him at all possible cost. My daughter who is focused on her own healing is worried I will stumble and fall back into depression and even having a breakdown with her dad there. I assured her that won't happen. (I had a big breakdown when I found out he was spending his first Christmas at her house for 9 days - didn't even spend that much time with my daughter all year!!) I told her to spend as much time as possible with him (and his father who is coming along also) and that I will not be with them regarding breakfast, lunch, dinners or other outings. Yes in the waiting room or hospital with her, but I plan on bringing a book and my journal and am planning to spend my time either alone (and I'm fine with that) or with another client and his father, and the doctor that will be also be with us. I'm just not sure how to handle myself when I do have to be around him. My daughter is very hurt that she can't have us together because she wants to be with me, yet feels guilty about spending this time with her dad. I explained to her that I just can't be with him in that way anymore. He's f-ing another woman!! We are divorced and as hard as that is for me to deal with we are no longer what we used to be as a family. She's hurt that its just not what it used to be. I can't bare to even look at him. I haven't seen him since after the divorce was final and we moved to Florida which has been over a year! I think I am strong enough to overcome this. I am preparing myself mentally for the obsticles, but I feel I will stumble with all the what if's that go through my mind. Like what if he talks about his girlfriend or ask me questions about my dating or things in my life (which he won't care to but may out of courtesy or obligation). I don't want to know ANYTHING about his or his father's life (who is now dating after 3 years since his wife of over 50 years passed away). Since I do all the caregiving for my daughter he will NOT be allowed in my room and told her that she can be with her dad and rest in his room. Seems so ridiculous since only 2 years ago we were all a family sharing hotel rooms and vacations. It was all his choice. All of this are consequences of his decision. It's a lot to handle to travel and let alone leave the country and coordinate all this, and transfer from wheelchair to car to bed to plane to etc. To pack and be prepared while he just shows up. Argh! but of course blames me for taking her away from him and moving to Florida. And of course I wasn't expecting any of this to occur so suddenly and have put on 20 lbs since I last saw him so I already have lost my confidence. I wanted to be that "WOW" when he saw me again. I don't know why I feel that I have to impress him. I just want to be that woman! You know that confident sexy amazing beautiful woman he fell in love with before. Now only better. I guess everyone wants to be one up on their X's. I;m just trying not to focus on he and I, but it will be the elephant in the room for sure. I pray to do what Jesus would ask of me. I do not hate him, but what he did. I'm not ready to forgive him either. He's a smauck who walked away after all we were going through only to find out he's with someone else he met at work!!! Reality has hit me hard and now I have to open this door and go through but I just have so much on my mind (my worst enemy). What do you all think?
My X who has not seen his daughter since we returned home last October for a wedding where he held an open house for his family and our friends (my earlier post) and had planned to visit this January to celebrate Christmas with her then, has decided to join us for her treatment in Santa Domingo as I'm sure a replacement for his Christmas visit. Argh! I am focused on her healing and her reason for being there. Period!!! We will be there for 4 days it is outpatient and we will be staying in the same hotel and associating with each other since we are there for our daughter. I plan to be on my best behaviour with me killing him with kindness and avoiding situations with him at all possible cost. My daughter who is focused on her own healing is worried I will stumble and fall back into depression and even having a breakdown with her dad there. I assured her that won't happen. (I had a big breakdown when I found out he was spending his first Christmas at her house for 9 days - didn't even spend that much time with my daughter all year!!) I told her to spend as much time as possible with him (and his father who is coming along also) and that I will not be with them regarding breakfast, lunch, dinners or other outings. Yes in the waiting room or hospital with her, but I plan on bringing a book and my journal and am planning to spend my time either alone (and I'm fine with that) or with another client and his father, and the doctor that will be also be with us. I'm just not sure how to handle myself when I do have to be around him. My daughter is very hurt that she can't have us together because she wants to be with me, yet feels guilty about spending this time with her dad. I explained to her that I just can't be with him in that way anymore. He's f-ing another woman!! We are divorced and as hard as that is for me to deal with we are no longer what we used to be as a family. She's hurt that its just not what it used to be. I can't bare to even look at him. I haven't seen him since after the divorce was final and we moved to Florida which has been over a year! I think I am strong enough to overcome this. I am preparing myself mentally for the obsticles, but I feel I will stumble with all the what if's that go through my mind. Like what if he talks about his girlfriend or ask me questions about my dating or things in my life (which he won't care to but may out of courtesy or obligation). I don't want to know ANYTHING about his or his father's life (who is now dating after 3 years since his wife of over 50 years passed away). Since I do all the caregiving for my daughter he will NOT be allowed in my room and told her that she can be with her dad and rest in his room. Seems so ridiculous since only 2 years ago we were all a family sharing hotel rooms and vacations. It was all his choice. All of this are consequences of his decision. It's a lot to handle to travel and let alone leave the country and coordinate all this, and transfer from wheelchair to car to bed to plane to etc. To pack and be prepared while he just shows up. Argh! but of course blames me for taking her away from him and moving to Florida. And of course I wasn't expecting any of this to occur so suddenly and have put on 20 lbs since I last saw him so I already have lost my confidence. I wanted to be that "WOW" when he saw me again. I don't know why I feel that I have to impress him. I just want to be that woman! You know that confident sexy amazing beautiful woman he fell in love with before. Now only better. I guess everyone wants to be one up on their X's. I;m just trying not to focus on he and I, but it will be the elephant in the room for sure. I pray to do what Jesus would ask of me. I do not hate him, but what he did. I'm not ready to forgive him either. He's a smauck who walked away after all we were going through only to find out he's with someone else he met at work!!! Reality has hit me hard and now I have to open this door and go through but I just have so much on my mind (my worst enemy). What do you all think?
Hugs
My prayers are going up for your daughter and for you. I'm with lycesq -- just be WHO YOU ARE and be as cordial as possible without going overboard.
About what you wrote...
Yes, your X is a SCHMUCK, but until you are able to move into forgiveness, this bitterness in your heart will prevent you from moving on -- it will hold you back! Bitterness is what makes people old and ugly before their time and NONE OF US need that!
If you are a woman of God, you already know what the Bible says about forgiveness. And if you haven't read it before, ask me to send you a copy of "What Forgiveness Is NOT" -- it has been published here many times and is the single thing which got me on the high road to forgiveness. It was a very freeing experience.
Hugs to you, my friend. And good luck to your daughter.
I even cancelled my chiropractor's appointment today because I found out he'd made one for half an hour later. I prefer not to see him unless I have to, and at our chiropractor's offices, the door is left open between the rooms!!!!!!!!!!! Not happening!
I agree with CGK about forgiveness and I think it's extremely important for our own wellbeing that we do forgive. I have forgiven my ex, but I cannot be in his presence unless I have to be. He is not to be trusted and I understand your reluctance to spend so many days in his company as if you were still a couple. I couldn't do that, either. I have no wish to give him further opportunity to hurt me.
Do what you have to do to get through this difficult time. It sounds like your daughter understands but wishes it were different. Well, this is how it is now and it will never be the same as it used to be. It can't be helped.
I agree that you should just be yourself. You and your life are now none of his business and what he may or may not think about you is irrelevant. He doesn't matter and therefore his opinion doesn't matter either. No matter what weight you are, you are still wonderful you. It's personality that matters not looks.
I hope you get through this ok and I hope you daughter's op is a big success.
love and hugs
kamary
As for his father, the old guy didn't cheat on his wife - she died... (or did he?) He's not to blame for his son's actions.
My prayers are with you and your daughter. I too hope the operation is a HUGE success xxoo
You have to do what makes you comfortable, but I do agree with CGK. That fact that you are worried about how you look, how you will react around him,etc. tells me you still need to work on your healing more. Perhaps talk to a counselor when you return. I often say that anger is the ball-and-chain we hang around our own necks--it never hurts the ones we are angry with; it only hurts us. You need to work on getting rid of the anger.
I commend you for taking proactive steps in dealing with this situation. That is a good thing.
Sending hugs!
I remember when I saw the ex in court the last two times. He looked so different and was definitely a stranger. You have set the boundaries you need for this trip and your daughter understands your feelings. The difficult times in our lives are how we learn to move forward and away from what hurts us. While this will be hard for you I think you will grow from this and continue to move forward. (((HUGS)))
I'm not going to lie and say it was easy...because it wasnt. I had my moments. The odd f**k you slipped out...but on the most part...it all went well. My kids really appreciated it and thanked me for being such a strong person.
I know your situation is a bit more stressful...but...I know you can do this. If you loose it the odd time...oh well...he'll just have to suck it up. Dont knock yourself around the block if it does happen...you will have done the best you could with the situation. We are all human. When its over and you get back home...it will be over.
There is a really good chance your heart will hurt again...it did for me. It took me down that road of missing the dream again although it was brief. I had to do a crash coarse on all that I had learned over the last 3 years and get myself back on track. If this does happen with you...treat yourself with love and kindness...its okay...you will get to the other side of it quicker than before.
Good luck with this Lisa and I hope it all turns out well for your daughter. Be strong and know you are the better person in all of this...kill your ex with kindness...Big Hugs...Kathy